Saturday, December 31, 2011

Slam your doors in Golden Silence!

Well, I decided to end the year with quite possibly the most baffling movie I've ever seen, 1967's Play Time. I do consider myself basically obsessed with film, but this might've been more than I was looking for. I had read a glowing review of the striking imagery and overall cleverness of director Jacques Tati's "film." I thought I had to check it out. I don't think I would've made it alone, so I brought along/dragged my sister (the consummate team player) into it with me.


Since I'm typing this as my wife and in-laws are celebrating New Years (I'm stuffed and taking a breather), I'm going to keep the final entry of 2011 as brief as possible. I will say that I was really into the first twenty minutes and then....Well, then, things took a turn to the artistic. And by artistic, I mean mind-boggling Frenchiness.

Since there aren't any characters (let's be honest), no real story to follow or any important dialogue, let's just break down the decades-old French madness into bite-sized Truffles, oui?
I was still very excited and curious at this point.
  • I don't think there are any close-ups. Honestly, most people don't even need faces.
  • It's like a ballet at times, with people entering and exiting the frame in a slightly hypnotic rhythm. And just like being at a ballet, I started to glaze over and think of something stupid, like video games or kicking stuff.
  • The scene where we watch people living their lives in glass apartments was cool for the first 15 minutes. It's as interesting as it is just frickin' strange. I'm sure it gives film professors √©rections. Yes, I Googled that for authenticity.
  • The restaurant portion? I don't even know where to begin. It seems like it lasts forever.

    Monsieur Hulot can't catch a break.
    Look, I'm not a complete idiot. I actually really appreciate how Play Time is unlike anything else I've ever seen. That's cool. 
    The idea that we are more concerned with the future and progress than appreciating the accomplishments of the past was cleverly portrayed. And, there are some really genius gags sprinkled throughout. Just not enough. Supposedly, you'll discover more and more of them as you rewatch the film. Really? Pardon my French, but no f**king way that's going to happen.

Friday, December 30, 2011

That's it. Next time I get to seduce the rich guy.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to explain to me why everyone likes this movie. Your explanation should be overly long and complicated and have gadgets that while awesome, really would only work in one situation (I'm looking at you, Mars rover). Oh, and during your explanation, I want you to go to three different countries, simply because you can. Failure to complete your mission simply means that you are reasonably intelligent and attractive. Yes, you must be sexy to attempt any of this.

I rarely make guarantees. Last night, I promised my sister that she would enjoy Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol. She hadn't seen any of the first three, but I swore to her it wouldn't matter. It's just going to be kick ass spy stuff and explosions. She called Father Flem, and we rappelled to our local cinema.

A few things first. I really like Tom Cruise. I do. I have enjoyed, to varying degrees, the first three Mission: Impossible movies. So don't think my hatred of this is based on any irrational anti-Scientology nonsense or whatever. This movie just isn't good. It's not flat-out awful, no, but it is definitely not worth the hype. I might have had a decent time if this was critically panned, but 93% fresh? Ridiculous. Almost makes me second guess myself. Almost. But then I remembered thinking that if I had had a watch (do they still make those anymore?) I would've checked it a hundred times. Or, once every time things started to drag between action sequences.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What's the dress code for the end of the world?

I wish the power had gone out in the theater.
I had a plan. My sister and I were going to double-feature it tonight. First up, was The Darkest Hour. We had both heard that it wasn't any good, but it was the only movie we could make and then see something else (presumably, a good movie). On our way out the door, my wife asked me what time we would be back. When I told her in four hours she made that face. The one where her mouth says it's okay, but everything else on her face says bullshit it is. 

Speaking of bullshit, that's exactly what this movie is. I think my sister nailed it in our post-movie wrap up. She felt like this entire movie exists because someone thought up a handful of clever scenes (her actual number was three, but we could only come up with one). If you've seen the trailer, trust me, you're good. You have seen everything in the ballpark of interesting. Yes, a dog gets attacked. Why I found that intriguing baffles me. Now, I just find it infuriating.

You know what? I'm done. I'm going to punch it in the face for a few minutes and then I'm going to bed. How about a top ten list? Perhaps a baker's dozen?

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad I'm not hung like a bear.

You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight.
My sister is in town and we decided to watch one of the movies she bought me for Christmas, Tucker & Dale vs. Evil. If you're reading this, then you're probably aware of the buzz surrounding this flick. While I think any degree of anticipation generally works against a movie, Tucker & Dale delivers. Mostly.

The premise is genius in its simplicity. Take the typical horror-movie hillbillies and make them the good guys. In turn, have the college kids play the bad guys. Simple enough, right? Well, yeah. But that doesn't make it any less impressive.

This movie excels despite the fact that you can see just about everything coming. What isn't predictable, is how simply perfect Tucker and Dale are as characters. Especially Tyler Labine as Dale. This is his movie. Damn near everything he says is delivered in a way that'll charm you. The guy is the kind of person that you'd want to be friends with. That's not to say that Alan Tudyk doesn't completely kick ass as Tucker, he just doesn't get the screen time that Dale does. And he's not a fat guy with a beard. Those guys always get bonus points. It's pretty much a rule.

Friday, December 23, 2011

What happens if I say no?

Do you think his shower is golden, too?
When I was six or seven years old I played on a soccer team. We were the Pirates. We had orange and black uniforms and I wore number 9. Awesome, right? Well, not quite. I have little to no memory of any game action, but I do remember this one incident. We were getting a drink at the water fountain after practice when this weird kid on my team (he "spoke" in odd grunts and mumbles) grabbed my hand and placed it under the panel on the front of the water fountain. I remember being really surprised this kid was touching me and then being horrified when my finger was sliced open on this jagged shard of metal somewhere in the inner workings of the fountain. The kid mumbled some sort of satisfaction and I just quietly freaked out as the blood spewed from my finger.

Great story a-hole, but what does this have to do with tonight's flick, The Devil's Double? Well, that sadistic bastard was my coach's son. Even at a young age, I felt at the mercy of that relationship. How I could tell the dad that his son was a psycho? Surprise! I couldn't.

So, take that story and multiply it by a billion, make it actually relevant to more than one person on the entire planet, and you have something resembling the plot of The Devil's Double. Well, not at all, actually. But still.

If you're still with me, the plot concerns itself with the true story of Latif Yahia. Latif was a loyal Iraqi who was hand selected to be the body double of Saddam's son, Uday. If that doesn't sound frightening enough, turns out Uday is a complete trainwreck/nightmare of a person. I know, I thought he'd be a stand up guy, too - but, gasp! - he's a real douche. Coke-fueled and intermittently cocksure, Uday routinely picks up his ladies at local high schools or weddings. Their weddings. This is a person you simply must oblige. No matter how horrible the request is. For example, at his birthday, Uday wants everyone to get naked. Everyone. Not cool, man. Not cool at all.

When Uday snaps, it can get crazy. Like, slicing Achilles crazy.
I've gone on way too long to not mention Dominic Cooper. His performances as Uday and Latif are remarkable. They are two very distinct personalities and Cooper plays off himself effortlessly. Seeing one become the other is intriguing and undoubtedly worth the price of admission.

Before I go, I want to mention the patriarchs in this one. Obviously, Saddam is a bad customer whom you simply don't want to piss off. Oh, he might be having a blast playing tennis with his double. But embarrass the family and he's liable to cut your di*k off. And while I thought Latif was a badass, it turns out that the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Check out the cajones that his Pops shows at the end. Frickin' awesome.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Great Snakes!

Damn. I went to the movies tonight. An opening-night, theatrical showing in eye-popping 3D, no less. That's good news, right? Well, it turns out that I was exhausted. Like, borderline delirious. Things started out smoothly, but then I became this hyper-fidgety madman (I think I changed my seated position over a hundred times). I'm rambling, but there's a point. Take any information and criticism with a grain of salt. I left hating this movie, only because it was attempting to keep me from jumping aboard the Sleepy Town Express.

Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson came together to bring The Adventures of Tintin to the big screen. I hear that this is based on a truly-beloved comic book character, but that means nothing to this simpleton. I wasn't concerned about authenticity or anything like that. With Spielberg and Jackson involved, I would have been there for a Shirt Tales movie.

I realize it's Wednesday, but does it bode well that only four other people were in the theater on opening night? Probably not, as York, Pennsylvania is not quite the burgeoning metropolis it claims to be. I know. Shocking. I should probably go again, but I think I would have to sneak in after seeing something else. I don't feel like I missed that much, but who knows? I actually thought that it was over two hours long, but that's because I was incapacitated due to drowsiness.

Okay, I'm stalling. I hate this. I think every movie deserves a fair shake, and Tintin isn't getting one. That said, here goes...

Regardless of what I may have missed, I know this: the animation is breath-taking. It now feels like we are on the verge of being able to have computer animation so realistic that Tom Cruise will be able to star in Mission: Impossible 68 thirty years after his death. Tintin's characters are indeed stylized with exaggerated features, but sometimes even that can't hide how damn realistic everything looks. The 3D makes it even more impressive. I probably said this to a nine-year old version of myself after watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but, where do we go from here? Then I asked myself, how did Roger land such a smoking hot chick?

Frost and Pegg play Thomson and Thompson.
Since the story gets a little fuzzy for me near the end, I feel like I should let that dog lie. It's not exactly brain surgery regardless, but it does get a bit convoluted (especially when you're blinking for 45 seconds at a time). Basically, the ultra-inquisitive Tintin gets caught up in a web of double-crosses and generational grudges while chasing clues hidden in model pirate ships. And this quest will take him on a video-game like adventure. Water level? Check. Creepy mansion? Check. Sand level (running's so difficult!)? Oh yeah. We even get Motorcycle Challenge, Plane level, and Pirate Ship Battle. I swear we were a Lava Level and an invisible wall away from true 8-bit bliss (although I guess they might've been in there...dammit). Sweet.

Now I realize that I may seem as if I didn't like this movie. That's not true. It moves at a breakneck pace. The set pieces are ridiculous in size and scope and there's nothing the camera can't do. The scene in the street with all the passing cars stands out, but that may be just because it was early on, before I was in a mild coma.

My dog has never saved me from a propeller-induced beheading.
Before I go (I'm stunned you're still here), I want to mention Tintin's dog, Snowy. For some reason, I thought I was going to hate this character, but he turned out to be pretty awesome. True, he probably should have died eleventy-billion times, but I really liked this pup. He's exactly like my dog. Well, except that Snowy's smart. And helpful. And he cares about his master. And he's not constantly licking his junk. Other than that...

Thanks for reading this ridiculously bad entry. Seriously, I feel like I let the team down tonight. Now, I must wear the cone of shame.

I do not like the cone of shame.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

You know, he's just a little boy. Little boys fight. Doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a frat-boy rapist.

Do people still wear Crocs?
I really like Paul Rudd. I think the guy epitomizes understated brilliance. Tonight's flick, Our Idiot Brother, continues the roll that he's been on lately - just not as much as I thought it would. I convinced myself that this movie would slay me, but like Rudd's character Ned, it just kind of strolls along and does its thing.

Ned is a good dude. He believes in the best of people and assumes that if you are positive and treat people fairly, things will work out. Unfortunately for him, the world doesn't necessarily agree with that outlook. Ned routinely gets himself in trouble just trying to help. But outside of one incredibly frustrating game of charades, Ned just keeps on keeping on.

This movie is therapeutic in a way. I find myself often wrapped up in negativity and mired in worry and doubt. I think it comes with my profession. Anyway, following this guy around shines light on being positive and just rolling with whatever comes your way. Granted, Ned is by all professional accounts a loser and a vagrant - but as a person, he's a pretty enlightened dude. The only thing bringing this guy down is his lack of face-time with his pup, Willie Nelson.

I think I'm going to start flashing the sideways thumbs-up.
There are a few laugh out loud lines and situations here, and most of it comes from Rudd's delivery. Though it was in the trailer, this exchange floored me.

Omar: I just figured, looking at your sheet, that since you sold grass to a uniformed police officer that you must be retarded.
Ned: Yeah, I get that a lot.

That may not be in the vicinity of funny written here, but the exchange really embodies the whole plight of Ned. And seriously, who could sincerely acknowledge that and not sound the least bit annoyed, sarcastic and/or disappointed? A guy who's most himself when he's hanging out with a 7 year-old boy, that's who.

Bottom Line: I'd say if you like Rudd, give this one a spin. It has a very good cast (his sisters are all legit) and a nice message. And, I think that Janet's boyfriend, the big hippie-dude, may take the gold medal for best ex's new boyfriend ever. Dude just wants to help...
As for the poster... claiming that every family has an idiot brother? Well, my family has four boys, so the odds are that we do, too. Shoot, I think we only have one that isn't an idiot. And I'm not sure who it is.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I. Deserve. To die.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Nic Cage, Nicole Kidman and even director Joel Schumacher have all been at some time in their careers relatively legitimate and/or bankable. But last night's film, Trespass, is an alarming sign that things aren't what they used to be. I mean, in 2011, I made more money in the United States than this film did. And I'm a teacher. At a charter school. [for the record, this one raked in just over 24k at the box office]

W-w-wait a minute. Where's Ice-T?
Do you like shouting? I mean, screw talking ever, and let's-just-scream-at-each-other-always type of communication? If you even considered that worthless question, this might be the movie for you. Outside of the first ten minutes or so, Trespass is basically a house full of people yelling constantly. It does add some occasional tension, but it also gets aggravating. It's like that kick-ass YouTube compilation of The Wicker Man, except not as cool. Oh Cage, you crazy, inconsistent, cracker.

Speaking of, Cage has three modes in this movie: 1) Slimy/Douchey Businessman (characterized by fast-talking lunacy) 2) Rage-Filled Monster (heavy on the shouting and the spitting, here) and 3) Guy Who Just Wants to Die (lots of crying + a dash of shouting about just killing him already). I think if I drank, I could have had an absolute blast watching this. Unfortunately, I was very sober and just kind of saddened by the whole thing. Not only has Cage lost his ability to be subtle, but he basically looks like a circus freak, too. Look up at that poster. Scary. Just, scary.

It can't be all bad, right? Right. For starters, Nicole Kidman is still pretty sexy. I liked her as the bored -yet totally hot and rich- housewife. I did. And to be fair, as ridiculous as things get, the story moves quickly enough that it is relatively entertaining, even if it's in a so bad it's awesome kind of way. But as my man The Wolf once so eloquently put it: Well, let's not start sucking each other's d*cks quite yet. Here's a small (yet tasty) sample of the awful:

You're on a need-to-know basis... and you don't need to know.
  • The kid at the party the daughter goes to? Almost out-douched Cage. Wrap your head around that possibility.
  • Robbing a house? Here's a tip. Don't assemble the worst crew ever. Especially Druggie McSlutface. She's a bit of a wildcard.
  • Shittiest Employee of the Month Award: Goes to Security Dispatch Lady. Good God was she terrible.
  • Cage sporadically manhandles some of the intruders. Um, no. Not buying that. I'd take one-handed Moonstruck Cage before this iteration.
  • I have a lot of money. I have to hide it. Let me think of the least practical place ever created on Earth. Oh, and let that place be the location of the final fiery showdown. Sounds like a plan!
I know, I lied to you. I said I would stop watching crappy movies. My bad. Oh, hey - my sister just got me two kick-ass horror movies for Christmas: Tucker and Dale vs. Evil  and Pontypool. Awesome, right? What's that? You didn't get me anything? It's okay, baby.


There's still time.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Azreal? Are you dead?

If you dare scroll down and look at the movies I've been watching lately, you might think that I really like either a) torturing myself or b) watching complete piles of shit. While neither of those are entirely true, I think I've figured out why I'm seeing so many lackluster movies. Run-time. Yep. Since I watch most of these damn flicks so late at night, I've been choosing the shortest movies available. Yesterday, I managed to watch a movie in the daytime. Good news, right? Well, not exactly...

From left to right: Idiot Smurf, Mexican Smurf, Papa Smurf, Katy Perry Smurf, Braveheart Smurf and Douchey Smurf.
A bit heavy on the Smurf ass, no?
Somewhere in my internet travels, I had read a glowing review of this movie. Honestly. I must've really worked for that because the general consensus is that this movie sucks in a big way. I had read a lot of "worst.movie.ever" comments and that "Hollywood was officially run out of ideas". While I somewhat agree with the latter, the former is definitely overstating it. Yeah, The Smurfs is essentially terrible, but let's be honest. Outside of the top-tier animation studios, 98% of all flicks aimed at kids tend to be cinematic abominations.

First, all this "they're raping my childhood" bullshit has to stop. Most things we loved as kids tend to really suck once you subtract the nostalgia factor. Yes, I rolled my eyes when I first saw the trailer for this one, but seriously, who gives a shit? I can't think of one thing from my childhood that they could remake or re-imagine that would truly upset me. They've pretty much taken a shot at everything (G.I Joe, Transformers, TMNT and even Inspector Gadget) and while most did indeed suck ass, I'm cool with it. Now mess with Jem, and we might have a problem. It's showtime, Synergy.
The ol' butterfly net. Classic.

Anyway, because I know you're dying, let me break it down into some Yays and Boos! Cool?
Yaay!
  • Hank Azaria, as Gargamel, kind of rules. Mostly because he uses his Professor Frink voice routinely, but he really gives this one a go. And damn it, why is he so jacked?
  • I would totally do either of them.
  • Sofia Vergara is proof that there is a God.
 Boooooo!
  • Their eyes are scary. I mean, like, I'll-do-whatever-you-say-scary. 
  • Of all the Smurfs to choose from, I feel like we got ripped off. No Handy? Really? That guy is like the cornerstone of Smurf society. Him and Jokey. He brings a lot to the table.
  • There was a dick joke in here. Unacceptable. If we're going to amuse the adults, then I want to see Smurfette's boobs. It's only fair.
  • Twenty-one minutes. That's how long you entertained my son, Smurfs. And that's simply not good enough.
  • Not sure if this counts, but my wife actually said aloud (rather disgusted, no less), "They aren't even three apples tall." Then, I smurfed her.
  •  Speaking of domestic violence, my wife is the one who put the disc in the PS3. And you know what? She played the DVD! What-what-whaaat? I haven't watched a DVD willingly since 2006.I want Vanity Smurf in his HD glory, or frankly, not at all.
Hey, Winter Break is approaching us shortly. I pledge to watch better movies. Shit, I might even watch a foreign film. One that has an incredibly girthy run time. I got it. Red Cliff. Both parts. Hell. Yes.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

When this is over...so are you.

Parkour, you lied to me. When you were in those Nike commercials? You were cool. District B13? I had a good time - thought we were friends. But Friday night, you took advantage of me. You called yourself Freerunner, and you, sir, are a real piece of shit. In fact, I hate you. Oh, and let's just put it out there: you're not even a real sport.
Explosions! Guys, um, flying. Radical! 
At least they're not on a roller coaster, I guess.

Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. I got this movie via an online trade and for some reason, I thought it would be entertaining. Stupid? Yeah, I expected that. But unreasonably shitty? Nope. Didn't see that one coming.

I know, whatever you just called me in your mind (or aloud) - I deserve that.

Initially, though it was cheesy, the video-game style introductions were interesting enough. Once we know the characters, the basic conflict is thrown our way. What is it, you foolishly ask? Eight guys must run, I mean, use their mesmerizing parkour skills to collect three flags placed throughout the city. And for some reason, people seem to like watching these races and even bet on them. It's funny, during the races, they'll cut to the audience watching online - and those bastards are loving it. They are having at least 900% more fun than we are. Whatever. Occasionally a guy does a flip over something and you think; that's cool, but it'd probably be faster if you didn't bother with the floor routine, asshole. At least I did.
At least the blonde lets the girls breathe for a minute.
Screw this. This movie is so worthless, it's unfathomable. But let me take a minute to examine the worst of the worst. Starting with...
  • The script. Everything is so thoroughly explained it's offensive. I'm surprised the writers didn't include a note in the blu ray case detailing how to play the disc. And then there's...
    What's funnier than a head explosion? Nothing.
  • The Main Bad Guy. Cliches must have been on sale that day. Not only does he smoke a cigar, but he has a large, black bodyguard, too. And this guy? Dude's bald. And, and, has an eyepatch. He also surrounds himself with titties. Bad ones.
  • You're racing down an alley and there's a person crouching in the road. Run around them? No way, bro. You do a front flip over them. Extreme!
  • Sweet zombie Jesus! The rich guys who bet on the final race? Each guy is more stereotypical than the previous. Factory Owning Japanese Guy! Oil Tycoon/Southern Douche! Uppity British/Potentially Gay Guy! Frenchman! Jersey Mob Scumbag! Where's Pirate Man and Rap Guy when you need them? 
  • And their acting abilities? Shockingly, not good. They simulate typing by wiggling their fingers mostly off camera. It hurt my life. For real.
Well, damn. It's almost two-thirty. My hate is subsiding and turning into indifference. That's when it's time to  shut it down. If you want this movie, just leave your e-mail address in the Comments section. It's yours. Otherwise, I'm going to see how far I can throw it. And then? Then I'm going to do a back flip next to it. Parkour!

Monday, December 5, 2011

It's going to be very hard to unsee that.

I hate this so much I actually love it.
Even if you already have, look at that poster over there. I mean really look at it. Holy shit, right? Imagine that hundreds of people went to work everyday to make that. Then imagine that I actually watched it. And spent money on it, too. Okay, it was thirty-two cents, but still. I probably would have had a better time if I'd have simply eaten the coins used to Redbox this one. I imagine my ass would have felt the same either way.

Look at it. Seriously. Look at that poster. That actually exists. You want to know what's even crazier? In the movie, they don't even go on a motherf***ing roller-coaster.

Okay, I might be overselling it, but Zookeeper really does suck. I know, surprise! I wanted to give it a shot not only so I would have a Z movie on the review index (and this truly is a Z-movie), but I thought it would be something that I could watch with my son that wasn't a certain Pixar movie that will remain nameless for the time being. Here was the pitch:

Matty: Whatchoo watchin', Daddy?
Me: The Monkey Movie. You want to watch it with me?
Matty: Nooooo...I don't want to watch the monkey movie. I watch Cars 2!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Pies for everybody. Everybody. Everybody gets pies.

Of all the things to hate in this world, some people have seemed to settle on Tom Cruise. I don't get it. It's cool if you don't like his movies, or um, you think he's a weirdo or whatever. Fine. Enjoy that. But hate him? Refuse to see any movie he's in? Bash the guy incessantly? I can't do it. He's simply in too many kickass flicks.
What would Les Grossman say about this one?
Now, if I'm going to knock the guy at all, it seems that he's playing Tom Cruise: Action Star in more than a couple of his movies. Last night's, 2010's Knight and Day is certainly guilty of this. Perfect hair, sweet shades, sexy lady and of course, mad skills on the ol' crotch rocket, Cruise does his thing as he's done numerous times before.

Despite this, I couldn't help but having a good time. He seems so comfortable in the role, you just sort of surrender to the absurdity and enjoy it. It's frickin' Maverick, man. Maverick. Or do I have to go Cole Trickle on you? Because I will.

Friday, December 2, 2011

What would you do if you knew you only had one minute to live?

This past February, Adam Sandler and his crew released a film called Just Go With It [review]. Two months later another movie came out that should have had the same title. Instead, they opted for Source Code.
Did you ever watch Quantum Leap?
No? You damn kids. You know nothing.
Actually, if there's a movie that is actually similar to this one, it's the Bill Murray comedy, Groundhog Day. What that means is we are going to find ourselves, along with the main character, reliving the same scene over and over. Murray had to get an entire day right, where our guy Jake Gyllenhaal only has to handle eight minutes.

If you've seen the preview, a lot of the surprises are revealed. In fact, the INFO button on my remote contained a decent-sized spoiler, too. C'mon, maaaan! I wasn't too upset honestly, but you might enjoy the film more if you can manage to go in completely blind (I guess it's too late for that, huh?). Oh well.

What I did flat-out enjoy was the performance of Jake Gyllenhaal. He's so damn earnest. I got a kick out of his relentless pursuit. He may have his doubts, but he simply won't let that derail the mission. And as things progress and his confidence grows, his arrogance/determination jump off the screen. Imagine knowing everything that's going to happen in the next 8 minutes and you could be pretty badass. So much so that you might land yourself a very beautiful lady-friend.

I took your advice. It was good advice, thank you.
And that, friends, brings us to the super-lovely, Michelle Monaghan. She has the unenviable task of not only saying the same lines over and over, but wearing the same clothes, too. Her character is revealed to us in 8 minute chunks, but each time she is sweet and endearing. I've pretty much been in love with her since Mission: Impossible III. 100% Fact: We both appeared in the same quickly-cancelled CBS drama. Though I'd bet you a dollar that she got more screen time than I did.

Awkward pathetic crushes aside, I really don't know what to make of this movie. Overall, I would say there are more positives than negatives, it just didn't kick my ass like I thought it would. The ending is incredibly crucial and I felt like it left me with more questions than answers. It didn't warp my fragile little mind like some flicks (Inception, anyone?), but at least it made sense in a muddled sort of way. Jeffrey Wright (who was the f**king man in Shaft) plays the architect of the whole thing and I swear every word he said was intentionally confusing. At the end of his speech I wanted to say: At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul. 

It's about to get hot in here.
What I will award points for, however... 
  • It's like a videogame. You screw up. You start over. You have infinite lives. Game on!
  • Our man Colter, is quick. His second time in, dude found what he was looking for. I would've wasted that turn trying to make out with Monaghan. At least touch a boob.
  • Jumping out of a moving train is glorious. Yep.
  • Vera Farmiga. You sexy bitch.
  • Punching someone in the face is always a good time. Unprovoked? Oh, that's a great time.  
Bottom Line: At 93 minutes, I say risk it. Come back and explain the ending to me (please). Personally, I preferred the director's other film, Moon, much more. Great ending + Multiple Sam Rockwells = Good stuff.