Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Man, are you hungry? I haven't eaten since later this afternoon.

When I was visiting my cousins in Connecticut a few weeks back, we happened upon Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban on TV (in between episodes of Hillbilly Handfishin', sweet Jesus). Patrick and I were discussing how incredibly hot Hermione would grow up to be when my oldest cousin, Ken, decided to ruin our good times. His method? The old time travel question. "Who throws the rock?" Well, they do, obviously. "But who threw it the first time?" They did. "But they haven't time-traveled yet." But they will, that's the point. "Impossible." I'll spare you the rest, because this conversation, like many between family, ran entirely too long and got way too heated. Four college-educated men bickering over the time travel aspect, yet fully accepting of say, Hagrid. Absurd. Do women actually argue over imaginary things? Oh, wait. Of course they do.

What happens if you actually understand what they're saying?
Wow, you made it through that paragraph. Congrats. I was going to just type poop and racial slurs, but since you're still here...let's get on with it.

The point I'm trying to illustrate is that time travel is the biggest mindf--k of them all. When it's a few fleeting moments in a Potter flick - that's one thing. But when it's the crux of an extremely heady scientific movie? I don't even know. No, really. I have no clue. I'm pretty sure I watched a movie about guys creating a legitimate way to time travel, but honestly, by the end, I had no f--king clue. Maybe I fell asleep at a bus station and had a vision while a homeless man curbstomped me. Either way, my head hurts. A lot.

Primer came to me by way of one of the smarter people I know, Father Flem. Perhaps in the morning he'll explain it to me. When he does, I'll probably nod a few times, ask a simple follow up question to feign comprehension. Or, I'll just punch him in the balls as soon as I see him. Should clear things up.

In the garage, I feel safe. No one cares about my ways.
Look, this movie isn't totally incomprehensible, but it's definitely work. It was fairly easy to follow for the first half, but things spiral into madness after that. When you routinely question what the Hell is going on here? it can dampen the mood a bit. Maybe you should watch it with someone super-intelligent. Me? I watched it alone.

In it's favor, this flick only runs 77 minutes (a big plus around these parts) including credits. Though, I must mention, these credits are like few I've ever seen. They run probably a minute total. Apparently it only took like, eight people to fully create this dragon-punch to the brain. Oh, and the internet says only $7,000, too. Regardless of how you feel about the final product, those numbers should impress you.

Just like Emma Watson, or catching a fish with your bare hands...

Sunday, February 26, 2012

It ain't right and it ain't wrong. It just is.

Pissed that I couldn't find a theatrical poster. Link, anyone?
Last night, my wife and I took my son to a monster truck show in Baltimore. He has been singularly focused on monster trucks since the day after Christmas (where we bought him nothing but Cars-related things, naturally). If my wife and I are speaking to one another, he will interrupt and say, "Are you talking about monster trucks?" When we answer no, we are not he emphatically replies, "Why not?"  This narrow focus/borderline all-consuming obsession is a family trait. Now, my unflinching devotion was never to over sized tires, no. I was consumed by one lovely young female singer, um, Jewel, of all people. You can't understand how bad I want to delete that last sentence. Whatever. She was so hot.

That said, I had never managed to catch 1999's Ride with the Devil. I had actually bought a used copy from a Tommy K's near school, but like so many movies I've owned in my life, I never got around to watching it. Ridiculous.

Not ridiculous, is this movie. I honestly really liked it. And being a decade removed from my obsession, I think I can say that rather objectively. If I had seen this in 1999, I probably would've had a tattoo of Sue Lee breastfeeding her daughter on my face. Let's just say we all dodged a bullet on that one. Seriously.

Tobey Maguire kicks so much ass in this movie. This scene in particular is drenched in badassitry.
Being that it's Oscar night, let's get on to the movie, shall we? Director Ang Lee will forever reign simply due to the utterly fantastic Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (which was his next film following this one). That film is probably in my top 20 of all time. It's likely I'll stop typing any minute and begin crafting my own Green Destiny in our shed.  

Devil isn't as awe-inspiring as Crouching Tiger, but it's pretty damn good. I know seeing Skeet Ulrich's name as arguably the most famous actor (at the time, anyway) might be troublesome, but fear not. Ulrich and the rest of the cast are quite solid. Yes, even Jewel holds her own.

The story, based on a novel, concerns itself with the Civil War and the revenge-fueled Bushwackers. Ulrich and Maguire join the cause, though the latter is a bit harder to classify. His character, Jake, is essentially the opposite of most everybody else involved.

Since I tend to ramble, I'm going to wrap this one up quickly (it's nearing showtime). How about a handful of Yays (no real Boos for this one), The-Dictator-just-dumped-Kim-Jong-il's-ashes-on-Ryan-Seacrest style?

  • The supporting cast. Mark Ruffalo, Simon Baker, Jim Caviezel, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Tom Wilkinson, and the always awesome Jeffrey Wright. Bit of a sausage-fest, but everybody delivers, especially Meyers and Wright. One plays the worst man alive, the other the most quietly badass.
  • The action. Whether it's a small scale shootout, or a Braveheart-style clash, it's very well done. The raid into Lawrence really delivers. Bonus points for the amputation scene. Goodness.
  • The letters. It might have happened only twice, but any scene where they read a letter from a Northerner, really resonated. It made things so complicated, I loved it.
Enjoy the show tonight, kids. I haven't seen enough to make any picks. My gut is that The Artist is going to clean up, but Hugo has the most nominations. I'd love to see Pitt win, but didn't see Moneyball yet (it's in the house). If only there was a Best Picture flick about Grave Digger, I'd know that one inside and out.

Tell them you're wearing Kim Jong-il.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

It makes my balls hurt.

Check your local movie times. Is there a movie starting in the eight o'clock hour? If your theater is anything like mine, the answer is most likely no, not at all you silly bastard. Last night, that was my window. My wife came home too late to catch anything in the seven o'clock hour and everything else would end too late. Logistically, one film fit. Just one. With an expiring free pass in hand, I halfheartedly headed to the 8:00 pm showing of Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

This is his last ride, right? Please.
Though I've seen the preview a million times (where he cracks his neck in slow motion on the ramp), I've never completed the original Ghost Rider. Some parts looked cool, but the actual Rider himself, for me, is hard to take seriously. I know that's a ludicrous statement on countless levels, but as badass as it may have looked in comics, it doesn't translate well to live-action. I mean, your main character, in a story relatively based in reality, has a flaming skull for a head. Nicolas Cage (who has drifted into caricature status) seems at home being knee-deep in ridiculousness, but I wasn't. I don't know about the other two people in Theater 1, but I was pissed.

Despite a few inspired sequences, the whole thing came off so unnecessary. Curse you, logistics! Why couldn't The Grey have started at eight, or even some highbrow stuff, like The Artist or, um, Underworld 4.

Before the breakdown, I think it's time I revisit my stance on 3D. I would say, generally, that I'm cool with it (it made Avatar good). But last night, it was atrocious. It added nothing at all to the flick. Nothing. Unless eye-popping sun glare is your thing.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Now, get right out of town.

For President's Day weekend I headed up to New England to see my cousins, Tony and Patrick. I used to live right down the road from these guys and I hadn't seen either of them since the middle of last year. Tony and I are pretty much the same age, and we've probably watched a thousand movies together. Patrick is younger (my sister's age) and I think he went with us only a handful of times (notably, Rocky Balboa and War of the Worlds). Now despite being family, we have, at times, vastly different tastes. See, the movie choice for Saturday night was their pick, and it was one I honestly thought I'd never, ever see (and I have zero standards). I give you Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star.

Swardson - to his credit, actually tries.
Oh, I had read reviews. I knew this was going to be terrible. The previews were laughably bad, and it stars, yes, stars,  Nick Swardson and Don Johnson. I mean the largest red flag ever sewn should have shot out of the ground like an alien tripod when those two names were on the marquee. But then there's that part of your mind that whispers, but it can't be that bad. True, it isn't that bad. It's a thousand times worse. And I was expecting God-awful...

So, not that you're going to watch this, but there are a few positives. In no particular order:
  • Christina Ricci: Yes, I feel bad for her, but everybody needs cash, so we're cool. Oh, one question in regards to Wednesday, hot...or super hot? Not sure, myself.
  • Boobs: Not enough to outweigh the awfulness, but at least they threw some in as a courtesy.
  • Macaroni commercial: I can't believe I just typed those words, but that scene did at least make me smile. Once. Well, almost once.
  • Bucky's accent: It got me a few times. Damn it.
But before that part of your brain says anything else, let's take a look at the meat of this spectacular shit sandwich. In chronological order, no less...

They should burn all existing Oscars in protest.

Top 10 Worst Moments of Bucky Larson
  1. Opening Monatge: As if getting a DUI on a tractor isn't unfunny enough, we are subjected to a hillbilly farmer slathering peanut butter all over his junk and calling to his goats. That might sound funny, but no.
  2. Shouting uncontrollably can actually be funny. When Bucky's boss fires him from the grocery store, it's just painfully awkward and sad. Much like 99% of the runtime.
  3. Bucky's friends teach him to masturbate. Again, supposed to be funny.
  4. There's this scene where Bucky wakes up and makes noises at a pigeon. It's not in the vicinity of humorous. Did they actually write that in? And if they did, did they hire an editor? What was cut in favor of this? No, seriously. I want answers. I'm not joking. I'm furious.
  5. They actually went with a bug in the teeth joke.
  6. Stephen Dorff plays a guy named Dick Shadow. Ha ha, right? Too bad he's the worst character in a shitty movie. Though to be fair, Kevin Nealon finishes second in a photo-finish.
  7. Christina Ricci plays this woman who dreams of being a waitress. She has a backstory and everything. Read that again if you must, but holy f--k, right? Someone cooking that up is bad enough...but then someone else saying yes to it...maddening.
  8. Pauly Shore. This movie makes Son In Law look like the comedic equivalent of Inception, bud-dy.
  9. Ricci makes a homemade condom for Bucky and I swear I looked away because I was embarrassed for her career at that moment.
  10. This movie was directed by Tom Brady. That's twice in a month he's screwed me.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

If it's bad, I'll hate it. If it's good, then I'll be envious and hate it even more.

I think, at times, my wife wishes she was born in another era. Not one where I don't exist you clever bastard, but maybe more like the late 50's to early 60's - something like that. She often enjoys a good Doris Day/Rock Hudson screwball type-love story and romanticizes about a simpler time. I get it, but I don't necessarily agree. I'm more of the guy who thanks God I was born when I was, especially considering the way things are today. If I had to wear girl pants and like awful music to fit in, I might have to kick my own ass. I appreciate other eras, but look back fondly to my own. My first concert was Vanilla Ice. That's as awesome as it is horribly unfortunate.

Midnight in Paris is Woody Allen's look at whatever it is that people refer to as the Golden Age. Our main character, Gil (fantastically played by Owen Wilson), is a writer in love with the 1920's. He and his fiancee are on a trip to Paris where Gil falls in love - first with the city, and eventually with much more. I'm not the world's biggest Woody Allen fan (I've liked everything I've seen, I just haven't seen that much), but I honestly loved this movie. Yes, it made me feel like an uncultured moron more than I'd like to admit, but that didn't dampen my enjoyment. Gil is such a good-natured guy. Usually those types are dopey losers, but Gil is actually really successful. Despite that success, I saw a lot of myself in him. I'm not sure how to explain it (I'm literally shrugging at the keyboard).

I know this film has garnered many positive reviews, so I'm not going out on a limb by gushing over it. But I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of people found it kind of dull. When we finished it I turned to my wife and gave her the that was so good, right? look and she returned it with a it was okay wrinkle of the nose. Let's just say it wouldn't be the first time that exchange happened in these parts. Yeah...

Paul (left) is such a know-it-all doucher.
There were so many tiny exchanges in this movie that I happily devoured it makes me want to watch it again immediately. Gil sort of willingly takes everyone's shit but doesn't let it derail his pursuit of pleasure and happiness. I think most of the characters in contemporary times (oh, this is a time travel movie, by the way) think he's an idiot. They talk to him like he's a child, really. It doesn't seem to bother him that much, either - which I love. He just keeps on doing his thing.

Well, I'm going to keep doing my thing with another Yays and Boos list, grass-is-always-greener style.

Dude loves him some rhinos.
  • Paris is beautiful. I know, surprise! But two minutes in, I was in love.
  • Hemingway. So intense. A true badass.
  • Brody shows up briefly, but is really funny. Is it possible to not like this guy? (rhetorical)
  • When Hemingway asks Gil if he hunts and Gil replies, "Only for bargains." Brilliant.
  • Marion Cotillard. Breath-taking.
  • The end. It's predictable, but perfect.
  • Um, just about everything else. Except...
It's not cheating if it's in another zip code, but...
  • ...Rachel McAdams' character, Inez. I never for a minute bought that she loved her fiance. Shit, I don't think she really liked him. Bitch.
  • Paul. You're a dick, but I learned what pedantic means. Thanks for that.
  • How stupid I am. All these great people show up and I realize how I know nothing of history and should lock myself under a bridge away from intelligent people.
Okay, I've been sitting on this review since Saturday (my wife and I started this at 11:30pm, which in parent time is like, just shy of four in the morning for you cool kids) so I feel like the passion has waned a bit. Regardless, check this one out. Best Picture worthy? I'll get back to you...I still haven't seen Ghost Rider 2.

Monday, February 13, 2012

What did Jung say about glowsticks?

When I was a young kid, I would imagine myself with superpowers. I wasn’t that kid that exists in movies and commercials – you know, the one who wears a homemade cape and flies around making whooshy noises. No, the only thing I remember superhero-wise took place in the shower. Hold on perverts, this isn’t that type of website. See, I remember letting the water flow down my arm and “shoot” out of my fingertips.  I might close my fingers together to concentrate the beam of water that was blasting (or, um, sort of dripping lazily) from my fingertips. I would do this for minutes as my parents likely imagined a less heroic endeavor taking place in the family bathroom.

That's actually Shawn Kemp, Sam Perkins and The Glove.
This awkward memory/visual leads me to last Friday’s film, Chronicle. Josh Trank's flick tells the story of three high school kids of ascending social status who literally stumble into a mysterious hole while at a party (can I say rave? Do those still happen?). Down the rabbit hole, they come upon a mysterious alien force. Slightly cooler than my shower, this underground crystal grants them superhuman powers.  
It’s at this point that I tell you that this movie is of the burgeoning found footage variety. I don’t really mind the genre, though it seems to be nearing played-out status. Initially, shots and angles are pretty normal (guy shoves camera in the face of people who want him to turn that damn thing off) but with the bolstering powers, we basically get a floating camera that can go just about anywhere it wants to (“Just imagine you’re holding it”). The end starts to use a lot of other footage, from cell phones and closed-circuit feeds, but for the first three-quarters, it’s all Andrew-cam.
Overall, I had a good time. I think for as short as the flick is, it moves quickly and has a generous helping of action. It’s not mind-blowing by any means, but for a found footage flicks starring no one I recognize (though, that’s a rule of these kinds of movies, right?) – it was definitely worth my three bucks. So, let’s fly over to Yays and Boos, intense-nosebleed style.

  • I found the three leads very likable. I'd vote for Steve in a heartbeat.
  • Really enjoyed the progression of their powers. I think the hijinks at the mall were pretty clever, albeit on the innocent side. But when we start marveling about tooth extraction? Um, things have taken a turn.
  • Now I know how I'm going to eat Pringles for the rest of my life.
  • Football at 30,000 feet. I guess playing that close to heaven is indeed Tebow Time.
  • Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Yoda called it.
  • The final showdown was ambitious, but I think they pulled it off.
  • It ends on a down note. Always a positive.
Check out what pure joy looks like.


  • Hey man, I'm not a Buddhist by any means, but killing spiders? Not cool.
  • Wait. You're in high school and you don't use your superpowers for some boobage? Ridiculous. One updraft doesn't cut it, sweet as it may have been.
  • Andrew's parents. Yes, they are helping to make him a miserable bastard, but goodness. Dad, you're the worst.
  • What's with Blogger Girl? Was she in this film only so that we could cut to her camera? Hot, yes. Necessary, no.
  • Good thing people were filming the sky three seconds before two guys go barreling across it. Phew.

My sister and I went to this one after a solid week watching my two-year old son (wifey was in San Diego - or so she says). That said, I might be giving this one bonus love simply because it wasn’t about Monster Trucks or Lightning McQueen, keep that in mind. Anyway, off to the shower...

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The world, as we know it, will soon come to an end.

If there was ever a moment when humanity as a whole knew the world was going to end, it's safe to assume that their would be a collective sadness throughout the globe. People from all walks of life, vastly different ages and religious beliefs would gather to reflect on their lives before it all came crashing down in an instant. And judging by an almost eight-hundred million dollar global box office haul, millions of us would be regretting the same thing: the fact that we each wasted almost three hours watching the God-awful, 2012.

Just like that river twisting through a dusty land
I don't want to even get into the Mayan calendar ridiculousness. If you believe in it, awesome. I'm not sure you should be wasting precious time reading a crappy movie blog. You should probably be making sure your tinfoil hat is fully operational.

As far as this movie is concerned, the Mayans were right. So, secretly a plan is formulated to save mankind. If you're rich, you're in. If you're a giraffe, you're in. Had the focus been on this plan, and the construction of the arks, I might've been on board. But instead, we get the played out guy-who-lost-his-family-must-redeem-himself-during-world-ending-disaster story. You know, that old thing.

Despite the woefully absurd events, the horrible dialogue, the one-note characters and the daughter who pees herself, this movie could've been okay. But it's almost three hours long. There is enough cringe-inducing dialogue and pseudo-science to create seventeen SyFy Originals. We came for the destruction. And nothing else. It's like a slutty girl who just wants to talk.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

I'll catch you later.

A couple of weeks back I read an article on JoBlo about the top 10 Redbox rentals for 2011. People on the site were bashing the list, namely because the Adam Sandler flick, Just Go With It [review], was the number one rental for the year. Yes, it's easy to bash the average movie goer (you know, all those people who aren't as smart as the rest of us douchey, uppity, internet-types) and say that they love dumb shit. Now, yes, the masses do seem, at times, to love utter shit (Transformers: Dark of My Balls) [um, review]. That said, I'm not going to judge anybody. If you're at the grocery store and make a quick decision to watch something easy, well, just go with it.

Alright, Blogger Guy, what's the point? Well, last night I hit up the ol' Redbox and opted for last year's remake of Fright Night. I'm old enough to have seen the original back in the day, but I'm also old enough to have forgotten pretty much every detail from it. I can recall the cover of the VHS tape, if you really need specifics. But my mind instantly blends it with the cover of House.

Anyway, the point I'm beating to death is that Redbox is where I/we go for second and third-tier movies. If I really wanted to see it, I would've made a point to see it in the theater. Hell, with my promo code Fright Night came to a whopping thirty-two cents! Oh, and here's the list, if you're curious:

1. Just Go With It
2. No Strings Attached
3. Rango
4. The Dilemma
5. Due Date
6. Despicable Me
7. The Tourist
8. The Lincoln Lawyer
9. The Green Hornet
10. I Am Number Four

If you haven't figured it out by now, I thought that Fright Night sucked. That might be overstating it, but with the cast that was assembled, I thought they'd turn out something infinitely more inspired. The preview that Flem showed me months ago was pretty sweet, but somewhere along the way the wheels fell off this one.

The flick opens up with a pretty kickass scene. The silent dragging away of a body is absurd, but creepy/campy enough to really hook you. From there we get the introduction of Colin Farrell's relaxed vampire, Jerry. I think Farrell is usually pretty solid, and I found him hysterical early on. The constant use of Hey, guy slayed me every time. And it also helps that he's dressed like casual Friday Wolverine most of the time. Indeed.

Before we hit the breakdown, let me say that I was having a good time for at least the first third of the movie. But when the shit really hits the fan, nobody seems to really care. It's sort of, well, inconvenient, that their neighbor is killing all the kids at school. I mean, I get more upset when I let someone cross in front of my car and they don't do that polite half-jog/trotting thing. I mean would it kill you to pick up the pace? I could just run your dumb ass over, you know.

With that said, let's head to the Yays and Boos, Dr. Acula style.

This chick handles the whole vampire thing quite well.
  • Not a lot of competition, but give it up for creepiest attendance scene ever! Wish my homeroom had that many out. Just sick, not, um, turned.
  • McLovin is pretty much an honorary Frog Brother. And that's a good thing.
  • Lisa Loeb. Just because of Stay. Not because of the 3 minutes she's awkwardly in this one.
  • I love a good breastfeeding scene. Always have.
  • 99 Problems cover song thing was pretty rock solid.
  • Go-go dancer rescue scene! Hilarious.
  • Gas line scene! I'm going to ask my knife-throwing-in-ceiling fans brother about this. He's a gasman.
I'm telling you, everyone handles chaos like champs.
  • Vampires don't show up on video? Hmm. Okay.
  • 3D in 2D. That paint can was rad, bro! And the flying motorbike, pebble, sinking cross and various embers. Gnarly.
  • What does neglect smell like? My guess is poop.
  • Want to crash a Vegas show and head backstage? It takes just over thirty-seconds. Makes Danny Ocean look like a real bitch.
  • Hey, Scary Movie! When your characters say aloud that their cell phones don't get any coverage you've officially decided to blow dogs for quarters.
  • St. Michael's stake. Turns out his blessing is like a giant UNDO button. Thanks for that, Mike.
  • I don't think dressing like Chris Redfield makes you a better vampire hunter. Honest.
  • Not sure if this a real boo, but since when does turning into a vampire triple your breast size?
Bottom Line: If you want to watch something that isn't scary or funny (and lacks some horror-staple nudity), this might be for you. I might be overstating its awfulness, but it was such a wasted opportunity. Pass.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

This is too much madness to explain in one text!

The Super Bowl is in less than two hours. If the Giants win, I will be devastated. I will get some fireworks, a samurai sword, a barely-understandable British teenager and get on my bicycle and I will exact my revenge. Now this wouldn't be the first time this plan was put into action. But, um, probably the second...

Attack the Block may have come out of nowhere when it was released last year, but seeing it at this point, there was plenty of hype. Aliens, badass kids with swords, and the mere mention of Shaun of the Dead was enough to redirect all movie-geek blood flow to the crotchal region. Yikes.
Is there a person alive that doesn't love a good tracking shot

The movie begins on a firework-filled night in some sketchy part of the U.K. My first question, what the Hell are they celebrating? My sister joked that it was the 5th of November. Yes, apparently watching V for Vendetta lets you know everything worth knowing about British culture. Phew, glad I saw that one. Anyway, moments later something mysterious lands, and from there, the movie simply doesn't let up.

My next question, came minutes later. What would I do if I was attacked by an alien? Hopefully, I would gain fantastic alien powers like in District 9, but most likely would opt for running away and dying in the parking lot of a gas station. One of those two. What likely, wouldn't have crossed my mind is revenge.

If I'm going to get bit anywhere, this spot is on the list.
Shockingly, jumping the shit out of this alien invader and parading his lifeless body around like it's an extension of your mammoth wang isn't a solid plan. In fact, that's going to really piss off/sexually arouse a whole race of glowing-toothed gorilla bears. And that ain't all peachy, is it guv'na?

Let's head to the Yays and Boos, C'mon frickin' Patriots style.
You might call him Nick Frost. I just go with Dad.
  • The violence, though relatively brief, is top-notch.
  • Aliens. They are so f--king cool. 
  • Brit slang: Swear down. Allow it.
  • You gotta dig Mayhem and Probs. Those two were badass little punks.
  • Love a good gearing up scene. I'm getting a sword. Hold up. I'm getting a bigger sword.
  • I love when henchman get sent into the worst situation by the crazy, drugged-out boss guy. So awesome.
  • How most problems could be avoided by just going home and playing FIFA.I think my last copy was for the Genesis. No wait, Sega CD.
Moses, brother! Can you hear that?
  • Dude throws a firework-bomb with Brady-like accuracy!
  • Speaking of heroics, the end is a little, um, f--king absurd. I know, nitpicking in an alien invasion movie about realism is super lame, but I'm still throwing a boo it's way.
  • Sometimes, I really had no idea what anybody was saying. Shat on a turtle!
Okay. Under an hour. Sorry, I phoned it in. Hopefully the Giants do, too.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

I'm building a flamethrower.

Do you remember a time when you and your friends routinely did dumb shit? I mean, the kind of stuff you look back on and are amazed that something really bad didn't happen. An example for me that I hope I'm imagining (but clearly am not) comes from when I was six or seven. See, my deviant older-brother, Bryan, once had me and my friends stand under a ceiling fan he had turned on high. Ooh, scary. Hold on. Bryan then took a sharp knife and threw it up into the rapidly spinning fan blades. It would clang around a couple of times then come firing out with alarming velocity. Nuts, right? Well, so was last night's flick, Bellfower.

The first thing I thought when this was over? I need to see Mad Max again - asap.
Bellflower is a love story. At least that's what I told my wife as we sat down to watch it late last night. I guess it is, but don't expect it to be like any you've ever seen before. Instead of grocery bags full of baguettes and slow dances under majestic fireworks, you're more apt to find homemade flamethrowers and people getting coldcocked. Despite that, my wife hung in there and made it to the end. Impressive.

Also impressive, is writer/director/star of the show Evan Glodell. Glodell stars as Woodrow, the seemingly sweet guy who falls for this hipster chick, Milly, at a cricket eating contest. I know, that last sentence probably throws up nine red flags for you sensible types - but ignore them. This movie is certainly worth seeing, if only to share a few what the f--ks? with whomever is in the room with you. I think my wife and I tallied about a half dozen. But trust me, it's not only the craziness that's the draw - this movie is like no other. That has to be worth something.

The love story here is not only about Woodrow and Milly, no - it's about Woodrow and his best friend, Aiden. I've had some really good friends in my life, but nobody holds a candle (or flamethrower) to the relationship that these two have. Nobody. These two make Frodo and Sam look like two guys who happen to be headed in the same direction. Either one of them would kill for the other. They wouldn't think twice about it.

What I will think twice about...is hitting you in the face with the Yays and Boos, Milly's Shit-style.

No thanks Dad, I already have a Mercedes.
  • It's weird to throw some love to a character from another movie, but you can't argue with Lord Humongous. You just can't.
  • The camera work. Like the title of another movie blog, it's dirty with class.
  • If possible, this movie made flamethrowers even cooler. I know. Blasphemy.
  • I'm not a drinker, but in-dash whiskey is still pretty badass. These guys are pretty damn smart.
  • Dude takes a bat to your post-apocalyptic dream car? There's only one thing to do, bro.
  • I think planning to rule society after the inevitable apocalypse is a solid endeavor. Logical.
  • Okay. I've had some bad days before, but Woodrow's might set the record.
  • And of course, the ending. It's all kind of a blur, but me and the Mrs. were knocked on our asses. I think. I'm not even sure what really happened. But I liked it. Well, I'm pretty sure. Ah, shit.
If this is Courtney, she's the looker of the bunch.
  • Does anybody have a job? I mean, I could probably invent some badass shit if I had absolutely nothing else to do. Well, nothing except...
  • ...getting hammered. Goodness. Everybody drinks all the time. Not in a cool Beerfest way either.
  • Mike. Dude, you're a dick. I hate your face.
  • Milly. You are a heartless bitch. And, you look like a fatter Pink. And maybe a dash of Lori Petty in Tank Girl. A hat-trick of awful, these three.
  • Does our main man, um, turn into a zombie?
BOTTOM LINE: Go for it. This movie might be ridiculously awesome or just plain ridiculous, but the more I think about it, the more I love it. Inspired lunacy at its finest. Much like my brother's twisted game.