Saturday, November 1, 2014

Let's just be friends.

Good or bad, she's in every high school in America - even the small private one I went to in Hawai'i. She's pretty, she's popular, maybe even a star athlete too. And at the end of the year, there's a good chance she'll be Prom Queen. She's nice enough, but for some reason, her friends are all guys. Guys that really enjoy just spending time with her, because, you know, she's cool, not because they're desperately trying to be the one. But in that crowd of guys (sometimes referred to as boys...ugh), there's one that's actually different. He really is her friend. He's like her brother, silly. But guess what?

He wants her, too. And it's killing him inside.

Not that I know anything about that.

As my final horror movie for October, I fired up 2006's All the Boys Love Mandy Lane. I first heard of this one over at Rambling Film, but it was the short run time (not to mention postergirl Amber Heard) that really sealed the deal. For the record, my school's Mandy Lane was way hotter...but that was seventeen years ago. Ouch.

Anyway, after establishing how sexy and coveted Ms. Lane is in perfunctory high school/horror movie fashion (slow mo walk through the halls [primarily focused on T & A]), things actually get kind of interesting. Well, okay, more interesting. At the, you guessed it!, pool party, hosted by King Douche, something rather unexpected happens. No, Mandy's chastity belt doesn't rust and fall off, revealing her magical vagina. Instead, in yet another cringe-inducing attempt at impressing Mandy, ol' King Douche dies tragically (and perhaps hysterically). The real kicker? Mandy's tag-a-long (though marginally creepy) bestie, Emmet was inadvertently responsible. Didn't really see that one coming...

But for the next forty minutes or so, things will downshift into typical slasher territory, and you'll see just about everything play just as you'd think it would. Nine months later, Mandy will reluctantly head to a party at an isolated ranch with Handsome Dummy, Stoner Guy and Black Athlete. Accompanying the gents, will be 'Fat' Slut and Blonde Bitch. Insecurities flare, hearts will be broken, joints will be smoked, and blowjobs will be administered. But like any movie getaway weekend, it's ain't all fun and games. Eventually, a mysterious figure will show up, and brutally kill all the teenagers, except maybe one. And while I was pulling for the Slut, shockingly, she went first. Didn't really see that coming...

Actually, the very end, I truly didn't see coming, but you savvy types might have had it pegged an hour ago. While I was certainly surprised, I'm still not sure it made any f--king sense. Maybe had there been more nudity, it all would have been clearer to me, but sadly, that was not the case. Usually boobs really straighten out my thinking.

Speaking of awful visuals, here are the Yays and Boos. Every time they heard Mandy Lane, these two said it like the creepy trucker in Joyride. If you get that reference, I'm getting you something for Christmas: a motherf--king hi-five! 

If you just hold your head like this... won't be a huge f--king bitch all the time.
  • Let's just come out with it: Mandy Lane is pretty frickin' hot. I bet Willy Wonka loves that Chocolate Factory.
  • That little accident in the beginning? That shit still makes me cringe. *rubs the back of head, making Paul Reuben in Buffy the Vampire Slayer sounds*
  • Bitch Girl sucked. But then she got naked. Eh. But then I realized it was Whitney Able from Monsters [review]. She sucked no longer.
  • Handsome Dummy, aka Jake, leaves the party because of his small wiener. This scene is handled so poorly, I loved it.
  • The first kill actually has the killer just standing in frame aimlessly. It's f--king creepy.
  • When the Bad Guy is finally revealed, I loved how Burt (Black Athlete) totally manhandled him. Well...for a minute or two, anyway.
  • Two people are kissing. Yay! Then one gets shot in the back with a rifle. Boo. But the other one now has a mouthful of their blood? Yay?
  • Garth, the unfortunately named, though perfectly handsome ranch hand. Not only can this guy hand a ranch, but he can show up last minute and save your ass. Bonus points for Google suggesting 'Ranch Hand Jobs' as I checked my spelling...I totally need to apply for one of those.
  • And finally, as silly as this movie was, I still had a good time with it. Maybe I don't watch enough horror, or I just exclusively watch awful horror, but I appreciated this little film for what it was. 
All we need is Asian Guy in Glasses and we're all set. Or Fat Guy.
Or, OR! Fat Asian Guy?
  • King Douche, or Alpha Male Guy, whatever, was a super dick. You'd think he'd be nicer, considering it looked like he'd been in high school for the past eleven years. Do no actual high schoolers act?
  • While I enjoy watching her run, Mandy moves like a wounded giraffe. It's actually the scariest thing in this film.
  • Locker room hijinks. Damn it, man. Girls talking in the locker room (um, in their underwear) used to be so awesome. Used to be.
  • Name a movie that features a scene where someone has a shotgun jammed in their mouth, and I'll punch you in the throat and run. Few things make me more uncomfortable. I mean, who knows where that gun's been!
  • What the Hell was that weird finger-in-the-mouth scene?
  • But worse, was Cow Grave. Yes, it's gross. But it's also stupid, too. Maybe we bury 9,000 cows more than 25 yards from the house, no? Just a suggestion.
  • Stoner Guy. Fine, it's your house. But dude, you've got no chance. With anyone.
  • And finally, the ending. Sure, it surprised me like a knife to the stomach, but I still don't think we're given enough for that to make sense. And if you start with Well, her parents... let me just tell you, right now: shut up, you.
That concludes yet another dreadful October at Two Dollar Cinema. Maybe next Halloween, assuming this site isn't dead and buried, we'll watch some good movies and write reviews like an adult, instead of a bitter, poorly-educated high school sophomore. 

Didn't really see that coming...


  1. Thanks for the link! It would've been funnier if these character's names were actually "King Douche" "Fat Slut" etc. I still enjoyed, but yes...cow grave was insanely stupid.

    1. The characters were all pretty generic, right? I mean...they might as well have had shirts that said what order they were going to die in.

      COW GRAVE! What the shit was that?

  2. I actually had some fun with this one too. It seemed very aware of what it was doing, you know?

    And that kissing scene was fuckin' nuts. Yay, Boo, Yay, indeed.

    1. Looking back, I definitely had a good time. I wasn't expecting greatness, but some cheap thrills and some T & A. Mission accomplished.

      So...nasty. I loved it.

  3. I remember two things about this movie - Amber looking gorgeous and production values being fucking terrible. It wasn't bad though, which is rare with her movies :)

    1. She was definitely looking good, I'm with you fully. As for the production values? I don't think I even noticed. Maybe Heard was just too fine.

      I don't think I've seen anything else with her in it. And while she's certainly fine....she's not, say, Daddario-fine. I may be all set...

    2. I think she was in the beginning of Zombieland :) She was really hot before she turned zombie ^^

    3. Looks like I'll have to revisit that one. Immediately.