Thursday, April 6, 2017

I've gotta spend the rest of my life with myself.

I, like everyone else who has ever jammed their phone in your face, have two wonderful children, one almost eight, the other almost four. These two cherubs are the best, smartest and just the nicest little kids on the planet. They really are a reminder of the beauty the world possesses.

Until you put both of them in the same room - then they're little shits. They make you wish that beautiful planet would drop out of orbit and careen directly into the sun.

And while I'll never understand firsthand what it's like to love/hate (mostly hate) a sibling to that degree...one time? I was pretty f--king close.

See, when I was in 7th grade my brother had already graduated. But his super-hot girlfriend, Dana? She was a senior. At my school. When he picked her up so they could go have sex during lunch, he was on my turf.

So...yeah. I...get it. Because as a fat middle-schooler, clearly I had a chance with this fine-ass chick my brother was banging. Clearly. *runs off to bedroom crying*

YOU ALWAYS RUIN EVERYTHING, BRYAN! *slams door*

The Edge of Seventeen, while consistently f--king hilarious, isn't a comedy - it's a horror film. Written and directed by Kelly Fremon Craig, this coming-of-age tale routinely terrified me by perhaps foreshadowing what my life will be a dozen years from today. *Shudder* According to this film, my son will grow up to be a quietly confident dude (fingers crossed [ever-so-tightly]). But my daughter? After being the raddest of little girls? She will destroy everything - and everyone - in her path, Godzilla-style.

Good thing I don't plan on dying before then (fingers gnarled into knots), as it's the sudden death of her loving father that sends Nadine (Hailee Steinfeld, f--king born for this role) into the years-long downward spiral we find her in. While that'd be enough to do just about anyone in, at that point the camel's back was only sore. It's when her best/only friend hooks up with her idyllic brother, that that f--ker is snapped in half with the speed and viciousness of a Mortal Kombat fatality. FINISH HER!

Unfortunately for every other character in this film, but fortunately for us, the budding relationship between Darian and Krista doesn't actually kill Nadine, it in fact makes her stronger. Or, at least, makes her anger and self-loathing stronger.

Dear Woody, I love you. Signed, Humanity.
As Nadine's world is turned upside down, she initially goes against her natural instinct of turning further inward and making fun of everything. Instead, she gives being normal a shot and crashes and burns in epic fashion. The resulting emotional breakdown (or as I remember teenage girls, weekday) is equal parts comedy and tragedy. I don't know (or remember?) what it's like being a drowning high-schooler, but I sure as Hell recall what it's like to feel alone in a crowd of mouth-breathing morons.

At 37, I'd like to say to someone two f--king decades younger, oh, it'll get better...but I'm not entirely sure. Life sucks at any point - it just sucks in different ways. You gotta find the few people you can tolerate (and that can tolerate you) and toe that cliff together.

Speaking of like-minded a-holes, here are the Yays and Boos. We're still coming to terms with being closer to the parents' age than the kids, but then we consider the kind of shit we find ourselves talking about and we feel much, much better. And by better, obviously I mean worse. Way f--king worse.

Anyone else currently hearing Dream Weaver right now?

Yaaaaaaaaay!
  • And the fastest Yay ever goes to...the Gracie Films logo! Holy cow. I was half expecting someone to say Sit, Ubu, sit.
  • Oh my God, her suicide note/plan was the greatest. I liked how she was considerate of people on a bus, but I loved the idea that her teacher, upon hearing all this drama, whipped out his own suicide note as well.
  • Very soon, you're gonna have cheeseburgers. Oh, Dad. You know me so well! And yes, I will fart in their backpacks.
  • Erwin. I don't think there has ever been a more likable character in any movie ever, than awkward twelfth grader, Erwin Kim. This guy is so perfectly charming, I'd be all in for a spin-off movie featuring Mr. Kim navigating the world. He's like the direct opposite of Steve Stiffler....but just as funny. Even if you don't like this movie, Erwin's gonna be your guy. Shit, even his ringtone is awesome.
  • Possibly the best false equivalency ever? What if I gave your dad a handjob?
  • Go it Alone by Beck makes an appearance...and it's just about perfect
  • Darian seems to be the kind of character that will never develop or that we'll hate arbitrarily. Thankfully, the script (and the performance) reject this idea, allowing him to become not only someone we care about, but someone we get. And his final speech to his sister? Knocked me on my ass. I win. Damn right you do, D. 
  • That alien cartoon was pretty rad, no? If only we could figure out who inspired it...
  • And finally, is there something wrong with me that I want to be Woody Harrelson in this film? Not only is this one of my favorite performances of his (which is saying a lot), but Mr. Bruner is the perfect cinematic representation of how I am in my classroom. Everything about this guy screams I don't give a shit about any of this. But he does. He really does (even when he puts on a video and leaves). He's just so f--king jaded from being around whiny punks all day, he survives by using the only weapon teachers are allowed to bring to work: unrelenting f--king sarcasm. You can have Cap, Spidey and Iron Man, but the ultimate superhero in film is easily Mr. Bruner.

I remember when I had a hot girlfriend back in high school.
I mean, when other people had hot girlfriends. Silly me.
Boooooooooooooo!
  • Nadine, age 7. This little girl is a total punk. And Dad, you gotta have mom's back. Or else...
  • ...she'll turn into a haggard mess upon your death. Seriously, Mom. Get your shit together and stop f--king dentists. And your life plan? Needs work, chica.
  • Is Nadine's coat rad as f--k, or all kinds of terrible? The fact that I wasn't sure...is a Boo.
  • Goodness. That's what two high school girls do when left home alone? F--k me. (not f--k me, f--k me, but you get me)
  • Hey, Nadine, how mad can you be at your friend considering she fell for your brother because of you.
  • I'm shocked that any high school kids would be able to reference Twins. The real sad part, however, is the context of the reference. Aww.
  • It's me or him. Pick. Weak, Nadine. Super f--king weak.
  • He's an asshole - Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema, in regards to Darian and his attitude. Ha. Depending on you whom you ask, that's two times this week my wife's been wrong about a man in a movie. Dead wrong.
  • Okay, Nick at PetLand. F--k you. F--k everything about you.
  • Uh, Erwin? What the f--k, man? That's a pretty big secret to be sitting on. Er, in.
  • I always love (/totally hate) a line in a film that when it's uttered, you almost have to look away. The Edge of Seventeen features a handful of these. My favorite/the worst? Your dad would be so disappointed at the way you're turning out. Fuuhhhhh. Uck. I think that one's gonna leave a mark.
  • Nadine freaks out and violently drives to a playground? Uh, okay. But the real problem here? The message she composes...and then accidentally sends. 
  • Uh, can we have this big talk in the driveway? I think Mr. Bruner's got bigger fish to fry, you know?
  • And finally, I really don't think I'll ever be prepared to deal with high schoolers. Not at work, not in my own house. I'm certified to teach all the up to ninth grade (and all the way down to kindergarten), but can't imagine balancing all that bullshit on a daily basis. And even if my own kids somehow survive the depths of upper-school education, they're gonna have a-hole friends I have to deal with. Or worse, a-hole friends I never deal with. And yes, I said friends. Because that's all they're going to have. At least as far as my daughter is concerned, dammit. 

Listen. I never had a chance (or honestly, an interest) with any of my (four) siblings girlfriends (or in the case of my sister, her actual friends), Dana was certainly...intriguing to my twelve year-old eyes. And one day, as I was moving into Bryan's newly-vacated room (upon him foolishly dumping her and moving back to Boston), I found a hefty stack of what would turn out to be naked pictures of her. (And him, presumably)

But as I opened the waxy, paper sleeve holding the 4"x5" photos, I could instantly feel that these were above my pay grade, you know? Beginning to slide the top picture out, I could see Dana lying down, looking at the camera with her startling blue eyes. Her hands were above her head, and her fingers slightly touching her long, light-brown hair. And as I slowly slid the picture further out (I'm assuming my hands were shaking at this point), I could start to see the tops of her (perfect) breasts. And that was the moment I...stopped. You WHAT?!?

I stopped. Slid the picture down and shut the case. Put 'em back in the drawer I had found them in, never to return again. What the f--k, man? Are you serious?

Unfortunately, I am. And the only reason I have ever been able to come up with for my actions that day?

I actually love my older brother. A lot.



Just not enough to look at his dick.

7 comments:

  1. This movie actually ended up depressing me. It was good but I was so sad when watching it.

    I'm not looking forward to raising teenagers either. omg.

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    1. I really, really liked it. Thought it was damn near perfect...and horrible.

      You've got a boy though, right? A boy. I have one of those PLUS an adorable little demon. I'm f--ked!

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  2. Mario and Brittani, as your...ahem...slightly older but utterly cool friend, I wish I could tell you that raising teens is so much easier than you imagine it is. But it's basically an epic suck-fest. My youngest, the sweet baby, is on the verge of being visited by the puberty fairy as we speak -- lots of mood swings. Good lord.

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    1. UTTERLY cool, yes....so I take all this wisdom as straight fact. Sorry for you that you're knee deep in it...but, at least you're almost done. By the time Brittani and I get into it, can you imagine the horrendous vortex that society will have fallen into by then?

      GOOD LORD!

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  3. "Depending on you whom you ask, that's two times this week my wife's been wrong about a man in a movie"

    Yeah it's a mistake to call carrot a fruit and it's also a mistake to invade Russia in winter. Your wife's Logan comment is closer to the latter.

    I love Woody so I may see it for him, he is always so good and I usually love sarcastic teacher characters in movies

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    1. I've been dying to tell her about her 'mistake' but haven't found the right time. Sometimes you start saying something that feels innocuous, but as the words formulate....it heads in an unwanted direction. Maybe I'll let it happen organically...during Eddie the Eagle, perhaps?

      Dude. Woody is awesome here. Well, he's always awesome...but you know what I mean.

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  4. It was a good movie, like, it was enjoyable and it had some really great funny moments but I still think some of it was unbelievable and it sort of pulled me out of that teenage world. But Erwin, man, that kid was amazing.. did you know the actor playing him is in his thirties, 32 to be exact.. so that's something to think about. :D

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