Tuesday, July 16, 2013

She's looking for my balls.

On any given day, there are fewer and fewer things I absolutely believe in. But one thing I will always go to bat for? Context. In life, the circumstances surrounding our actions and decisions do indeed matter. And when watching a movie, I believe context is even more important. It's f--king everything.

The Heat is probably a terrible movie. But in the context of a night out with my super pregnant wife? It was damn near perfect. Shorter than anything else in the theater we hadn't already seen (fine, shorter than anything I'd already seen), it worked logistically. More importantly however, it was, for us, on that day, f--king hilarious.

Yeah, you read that right. I know, I know. I saw the same awful trailer you did. Probably twenty times. And each time, I covered my eyes at the mere thought that Bullock and McCarthy would squat over society's chest, and pinch off the same shit they've been churning out for years. But trust me, even though I initially wanted to absolutely hate the shit out of it, I ended up powerless against it. The only reason I can muster? F--king McCarthy.

Early on, things didn't look so good. The only four words more cringe worthy than female buddy cop movie are likely beans above the frank. And as the movie got started, I began to settle into my misery. Each actress was doing their thing and the script seemed impossibly lazy with an over-reliance on f-bombs to be even remotely funny. At this point, I was literally hoping to get caught in my own zipper and excuse myself. All I could think was, f--king shit.

But then, shocking no one, Bullock's Agent Ashburn finally comes face to face with McCarthy's Det. Mullins and I was done. McCarthy is so f--king mean to Ashburn, I had to smile, even if just a little bit. But here's the thing, she never, ever lets up. There might be a misguided moment or two of humanity, but otherwise she is the biggest f--king bitch to anyone who dares breathe the same air as her. She is like a f--king shark, but instead of razor-sharp teeth, she's all insults and graphic death threats. If you can't stand her, this will drive you into an air-punching frenzy. If you're like me, and find her rather hysterical, then it's pure gravy. Calling the script lazy would be a compliment. It becomes increasingly obvious, McCarthy's completely winging it. And almost every scene ends with some version of the same line: I'll f--king kill you.

While McCarthy remains a constant force of hate, Bullock's Ashburn actually gets to grow a little, even if it's the same arc that Miss Congeniality explored years ago. Bullock is always likable, and here she's as attractive as ever. Watching her finally loosen up actually provided some laughs, too. Especially the scene in the diner. Good God. My wife actually had to look away. I didn't need to though, as my eyes were full of tears. F--king tears.

You also might want to look away from the Yays and Boos, while you're at it. Like I've said, this is probably going to be an awful movie on second watch, and we might gush a little down there.

Poor Wayne. Dude just thought he'd got a new car.
  • Boston. It seems like more and more movies are being set there. There must be a reason, right? Oh, yeah. It f--king rules.
  • Mullins family, though entirely retahded, is hysterical. The are you a narc? scene is probably my favorite moment.
  • Well, outside of a giant dog named Kevin Garnett.
  • One more for Beantown: the Jesus paintings. Holy crap do I want that one of Jesus putting one out of Fenway.
  • Even though it didn't seem to fit, I dug that groovy old school opening number. For a minute, anyway.
  • Dude. I had a full on nerd boner when I saw Tom Wilson, aka Biff. F--king Biff is in this movie! Then I go and check his massive imdb page and my nerd love quickly subsided. This dude's busy, not the reanimated corspe I thought I was seeing.
  • Clearly I loved McCarthy's rage toward Bullock, but their collective arbitrary hatred of a certain albino co-worker is equally hysterical, if not more so.
  • Hate to spoil it for you, but someone gets shot in the dick. If that doesn't at least make you giggle, then you are clearly an asshole. Or an adult. Or both.
  • Vent the furnace.
  • And finally, while Mullins gets all the lines and all the profanity, I actually laughed out loud when the restrained Ashburn finally let loose. It started innocently enough, very tongue-in-cheek. She ends up going crazy though. Shit jerk dick f--ker crazy.
  • Now, no animals are harmed during this production. But a lot are berated. I still can't decide if that's funny.
  • That Kevin Garnett reference? Sure, I liked it. But it also bummed me out. F--king 'rebuilding' years.
  • Wait. Gina's boobs get their own credit (seriously), and we don't get to actually see them? Okay, that last part was a joke. I'm good with Gina's boobs.
  • Marlon Wayans. Not an outright Boo, but I don't think he gets any funny lines. Unfortunate, that.
  • And finally, after the flick we went to the diner across the street. Everything was fine, but my wife did the thing where she ordered what I wanted, and there's no f--king way I'm cool with getting the same thing. so I had to go with plan B. Plan B was nachos. And they were terrible. Terrible nachos? The ultimate Boo.
A couple of months from now, Redbox this flick for a buck. Pure yourself some drinks, microwave some popcorn, and fire this one up. Think back to me, and how I enjoyed this with my very pregnant wife, that night in the theater. Then think of the current me at the exact moment you press play. In your quiet house. With perhaps another adult sitting next to you, requiring nothing outside of a refill perhaps.

F--king context.


  1. Oh man, you did it again. You convinced me to see a movie I never thought I'd watch. But I love McCarthy so from what I gathered I may enjoy this one :)

    1. Oh shit. I'm going to feel pretty shitty if you hate this. Fingers crossed that's not the case.

    2. I saw it yesterday and I really enjoyed it! The bathroom scene was unreal as was that diner scene. McCarthy was awesome, when she kept calling her brothers assholes I couldn't stop laughing.

      And that cat was a douche!

    3. Glad you liked it. At least it's not just me. Now, you better write it up!

      Her brothers are basically my uncles. Except mine are probably bigger assholes.

  2. They credited her boobs and then didn't let you see them? Now that it just a cruel tease. I doubt this movie would be my thing, but it looks like something The Hubby might dig. When the time comes, maybe I'll Netflix it.

    1. Yeah. Pretty absurd. Buuuuuut...there probably not that awesome. Anyway...

      Probably an ideal Netflix rental. Though...Sati liked it. Huh? Huh? Now you're thinking theatrical time, right? C'mon. Both of us liked it!