Pies for everybody. Everybody. Everybody gets pies.

Of all the things to hate in this world, some people have seemed to settle on Tom Cruise. I don't get it. It's cool if you don't like his movies, or um, you think he's a weirdo or whatever. Fine. Enjoy that. But hate him? Refuse to see any movie he's in? Bash the guy incessantly? I can't do it. He's simply in too many kickass flicks.

What would Les Grossman say about this one?

Now, if I'm going to knock the guy at all, it seems that he's playing Tom Cruise: Action Star in more than a couple of his movies. Last night's, 2010's Knight and Day is certainly guilty of this. Perfect hair, sweet shades, sexy lady and of course, mad skills on the ol' crotch rocket, Cruise does his thing as he's done numerous times before.

Despite this, I couldn't help but having a good time. He seems so comfortable in the role, you just sort of surrender to the absurdity and enjoy it. It's frickin' Maverick, man. Maverick. Or do I have to go Cole Trickle on you? Because I will.



Sorry about that. Look, I had a good time with this, but I could see how some people could be turned off by now. The action is very well done (the first highway chase is ridiculous) and the rapport between Cruise and Diaz is fun to watch, but overall the movie does nothing to stand out. As a teacher, this is essentially the kid I like turning in half-finished homework. You could do better you goofy bastard, but you're cool- so I'm gonna let it slide.

What I won't let slide is Diaz' Boston "accent". It's in and out and not nearly as thick as it should be. I had another line in there, but I'll let you use your imagination. Be clever.

This is actually a sequel to Vanilla Sky. Honest.

Transitioning from something visually unpleasant, I do want to mention that this movie is gorgeous. It seems like every ten minutes we are drugged and taken to yet another breath-taking country. Yes, not only are they rich and invincible, but they travel the world in the span of about five days. Must. Be. Nice.

Look, I'm basically a fat slob, and will never, ever be as handsome or attractive as either of our two leads, but let me say this: for the first time ever, I thought that both of them looked old. Hey, he's still jacked, and she's still hot, but the thought finally crossed my mind that these two are approaching the end of their action movie days. Maybe it'll be another five years, but the clock is ticking. We should enjoy it while we can, right?

Good thing he has enough XP to dual-wield.

Let's wrap this up, old-school style...with some Yays and Boos.

Yaaaaay!

• The fight in the kitchen of the bullet-train! Top ten best death's ever (well, PG-13 deaths, anway).
• When Cruise apologizes and attempts to let her punch him in the face? Classic.
• Bulls rip a car into pieces. Why? Because that's what bulls do.

Booooo!

• Damn you, Sarsgaard. Why do I always feel like you're going to molest someone. Like, always.