Slam dunks feel good.

When you were a kid, did you find yourself lamenting the fact that there's nothing to do around here? I don't think I was douchey enough to say it out loud, but I know I felt it. My friends and I weren't very cool, well at least they weren't, and if we weren't playing basketball, we pretty much went to or rented movies all the time. Initially, we'd rent things that genuinely interested us, but after awhile it became a contest to watch the shittiest thing in the store. Covers were huge back in the day (remember no internet?), especially the lenticular ones. Jack Frost (he's chillin'... and killin') and Uncle Sam were chosen solely based on the horrible dual images. But another way to rent a surefire turd was to chose something with the worst title ever. Cue the kickass synthesizer! From North Carolina!...at guard!...six-six... Kung Fu Dunk!

Please don't ever confuse with this genuine awesomeness of Kung Fu Hustle.

Okay, that last bit doesn't make any sense. Maybe basketball fans will enjoy it, but everyone else will hate it and think it's stupid. Shit maybe even hoop fans will hate it, too. If you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about the movie. Yeah, I know, you seriously rented (and watched) this? I'll answer that just like I did back in high school. Yeah, so?

Speaking of high school, do you know I played varsity basketball as a freshman? Sexy, right? Oh, wait. Did you also know that we never once won a game? And that we actually lost a game by 109 points? Maybe if we'd spent more time working on our kung fu instead of say, free throws, we'd have a different (yet subtitled) story to tell. Regrets, I've had a few.

Okay, I'm falling apart here. Let's break this one down quickly and then pretend it never happened, much like my old coach Mr. Terminello would do, okay? Sounds like a plan.

UPDATE: Okay, I just saw the craziest end to a real basketball game - with the Knicks coming back to tie the Bulls. I've never seen a ball almost go in as far as it did. It was nuts. Anyway, let's finish (well, okay, actually start) this review.

Seven Things I learned from Kung Fu Dunk:

• If I find an abandoned baby, screw a hospital or the police, I'm taking his punk ass to a dojo.
• When my master is trying to change the world and freezes mid kung-fu, there's only one thing I can shout (before I make sad face): ________________! You fill in the blank. I know you know it.
• My other masters at the dojo? They will look old and worthless. But, shhh...don't tell anyone. They can kick heaps of ass.
• At least one man in China/Korea/Japan will have white or blonde hair. He'll be known as Hair Guy. Oh, and someone, most likely not Hair Guy, will be drunk. Always. We'll call him Drunk Guy. The reason for his problem? His mysterious past.
• If I get into a fight with 10 or more people, there will be at least two times where all the action stops. I'll get to look around, perhaps wipe my lip (and admire the blood), and then signal that I'm ready to kick more ass.
• My also-Asian girlfriend? She won't notice me at first. She'll be too busy adjusting her glasses and twirling her pigtails. But in the end? She will be mine. Oh, yes...
• And finally, whatever my conflict is, it will come down to one final moment. And that moment will be against the guy that has already defeated me before, badly. He might be Hair Guy, or his friend. This showdown? It will happen in...slow...motion.

They oop off the tip. They oop off a blocked shot. Yes!

Wait a second. I knew this shit already. How? Because it's in every bad foreign movie ever. Add a hip-hop soundtrack and you officially have the plot of every Kung Fu flick released since 1997. But this one does have one thing that may make it rise above the rest. The basketball action. It's fan-tastic!

Even if you skip every other minute of the movie, the basketball scenes are ridiculously awesome. It's like NBA Jam with a dash of Mortal Kombat and NFL Blitz. If you don't understand the reference, you probably should have stopped reading a long, long time ago.
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