There is no right cookie.

So it's come to this. Last Saturday, my wife and I had a...ugh...date night. I don't know what it is about the term, but I can't bring myself to say it out loud. It sounds like something very bored sweater-wearing couples do after they drop off Tristan and Madison at a vegan tumble class. Or something. For my wife and I, it was a rare evening among adults, meaning, well, us. So after a way too expensive dinner downtown (aka the hood) we hauled ass to the local cineplex, aka The Dirt Mall, where we caught The Five-Year Engagement. This would mark our fourth movie together since our son was born.

Being that our 100-months-pregnant server couldn't make her way back to us quickly to drop the check, we were late, actually missing the beginning of the movie. I only mention this because time is the only real drawback in this flick. Yes, time and timing are crucial to the story and the relationship of the two main characters, but I'm also talking about actual time, as in runtime. This f--ker is epic. It never felt like it was really dragging or anything, but we both started to get the feeling that the movie would never end. It's the romantic comedy equivalent of Return of the King.

So, if I have to spend two plus hours in a rom-com, I can think of no pair better than Jason Segel and Emily Blunt. Segel is kind of an honorary member of the family, with The Muppets [review] in perpetual rotation around these parts. Segel is a very charming guy,and despite being super talented, still pulls off the everyman bit as good as anyone. Oh, and bonus points to him for being, what, nine feet tall? Dude's huge.

Also huge, is my love for Emily Blunt. It's great to see her not being a huge bitch for once. Maybe I haven't seen enough of her work (and I know I haven't), but I felt like this role was a departure for Blunt. Her character, Violet, might creep up near the top of fictional girls worth killing an actual man for. Okay, that might be overselling it, but she's so damn intriguing and appealing here it's ridiculous. Throw in a knit cap and a British accent? I'm done.

If you want to destroy my sweater...

As for the actual plot of the movie, the titular five-year engagement, I felt like I could relate a little bit. My wife and I were together for seven years before we got married. My proposal was inevitable (despite my bullshitting, she is the best thing ever), but many things kept delaying it. By many things, I mean f--king money, but there was a lot of well, I'll wait until the time is just right. Guess what? That game? The when it's perfect and magical game? That game sucks. I almost proposed at least a dozen times. And when I did? If you think this blog is cheesy and poorly planned....

On that wonderful note, let's break it down with some Yays and Boos, in the style of the-wedding-is-the-easy-part.

Yaaaaaay!

• That was a sweet apron, Tom.
• San Francisco looked absolutely gorgeous.
• I guess the siblings were pretty awesome. I initially found the brother to be a trying-too-hard-to-be-weirdly-funny douche. But...
• ...then he talked about Michael Jordan taking a shit. He had me at poosh.
• The chase scene was pretty classic. Dude was a ninja!
• There were some really great speeches in this one. I'm going with Tom's I want to be alone bit, Violet's sister's Elmo tirade as early faves. But major props to Tom's mother's speech at breakfast. That was great.
• And finally, like all these movies, the impossibly cute ending. Logistically improbable, financially irresponsible, I was pretty happy with it (especially Synthesizer Guy). I was also happy the flick was coming to an end, too...

We can't get fresh clams here...

 Booooo!

• Segel fails to mention Costco in this one. I was honestly waiting for it.
• Other People. Her fallback is too old, his, sorry, but way too ugly and weird. Tom, we're going to need a better bad decision from you, big guy.
• Is Michigan the worst place on the planet? I thought York, Pa. held that title...
• Asian Grad Student Guy. Aren't we past this kind of nonsense? He-uh talk-ah veddy funnee.
• And finally, the runtime. I don't think we missed an important minute in their relationship. Hell, maybe even an actual minute.

I'm going to bed. This review is getting, like a lot of things around these parts, unnecessarily long. Now now...