So that's what that feels like.

I went to the movies at 9 in the morning. Pretty sure that's the earliest screening I've ever been to. Anyway, when I came home, my son immediately punched me in the balls. Honestly. I think he was trying to give me a hug, but was looking away, and he slugged me right in the junk. Likely, he meant well, but his grand gesture of adoration went awry and ended up a painful moment of shock and disappointment.

If you haven't gotten it by now, I was crushed with disappointment after seeing The Dark Knight Rises. Oh, that was obvious? Well, if you've seen this movie, you know that everything must be explained and shown fully to occur. I'm just following suit.

I went into full-on internet lockdown when it came to reviews (or even images) concerning the third film in Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy. This was going to be hands down the movie of the summer, if not of all time. You can laugh at the absurdity of that all you want, but I was f--king hyped. And when I left the damn-near three-hour epic, I was in shock not only because the movie wasn't even close to being that good. Honestly, for a minute there, I thought it wasn't good...at all.

In the hours that have passed, I've come down a bit from that movie sucked, to more of a blaming myself. I scrolled through Rotten Tomatoes and saw one glowing review after another. One guy even was calling for Best Picture. Best. F--king. Picture. Did I miss something? Did I see a workprint by accident? Because the version I saw was one of the most illogical and hollow great movies I've seen in a long time. Just thinking about the final third of the film baffles me. Completely.

Look, I'm no professional here. Not by a long shot. And I know that if I truly love a movie, it doesn't matter what you say about it. You won't change my mind. But while I'm always open for a discussion, I don't think you'll ever convince me that this flick isn't insanely ridiculous (polite way of saying stupid). Yes, we're talking about a comic book movie, got it, but Nolan had elevated Batman to a level of legitimacy and awesomeness that both surprised and floored me. Shit, judging by box-office numbers, us. I know my own impossibly high hopes are responsible here, but so too is Nolan for creating two excellent films prior.

When you first heard Bane speak, what were you thinking?

In light of everything, I'm not in the ballpark of being mad or whatever (getting pissed either way is foolish). Just, as I've said, disappointed. I wanted to go out with a bang, and this feels more like a thud. I genuinely love everyone involved and think that there were some really cool parts and some clever exchanges between characters, but my f--king brain wouldn't let me enjoy it in the end. Despite what Commissioner Gordon says, there were too many coincidences, too much spelled out and entirely too many scenes void of any semblance of logic. Read on if you dare, but there are plenty of spoilers ahead. And guano. Lots of guano.

Might as well fire up the ol' Bat-Signal and break this one down. Here are the masked Yays and gravel-voiced Boos, Maybe-Nolan-was-just-tired style.

Hathaway is hot, but I loved Pfieffer soo much.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• The secondary cast. Very solid. I think Hardy gets the shaft, but Gordon-Levitt was rather solid. Freeman is always great, even with little to do. Cotillard actually improved her status as hottest woman alive. Those aren't real, are they?
  
• The iconic scene of Bane holding Batman over his head was well done. I was wondering what would break first...
• As was the devastation of Pittsburgh Gotham. The lingering shot from above was silently awesome.
• Anne Hathaway was a decent Catwoman. So sexy, with or without the ears.
• I know some people hate it, but I love the score. Makes me want to chase something and fight it.
• It was goofy, but I loved Gordon's escape maneuver in the sewer. Brilliant! 
• Same can be said for the ricochet kill.
• Batman's initial chase was very cool. The electromagnetic gun was gigantic, but cool.
• I loved the term practiced apathy. Suck on that, actually-caring Bruce Wayne.
• Ooh! Though short-lived, I had a nerd-boner for their descent into the sewer. Yeah, it's silly you can just walk down there, but they were having fun toying with those lame henchmen. He's behind you. Who?
• The Honorable Judge Jonathan Crane presiding.
• I liked how everything came together in the end, even though it was so obvious I was waiting for them to announce what was happening over the PA system, just to make sure everyone understood what was going on. On that note...

It got really cringe-worthy on that bridge.

 BOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!

• This movie is too long. Why? Well, there's an explained reason for everything. Why does Blake talk to Cement Truck Guy? Just wait. It'll mean something in an hour.
• I swear Alfred is in a different movie. He's in a poignant BBC re-imaging of Good Will Hunting. Everybody else is in a much better Dark of the Moon.
• I defended it in the first two, but Batman's voice is ridiculous. And then we've got Darth Vader at High Tea to deal with, too.
• Rope Guy. You're climbing out of Hell? Go see Rope Guy. He'll take care of you.
• And on your way out, give it up for Overenthusiastic Cheering Old Guy! He's rooting. For you.
• The original Joker, Matthew Modine, is the worst. A one-note douche if there ever was one.
• Evil sidekicks! Catwoman's heterosexual life-partner was annoying, Daggett's hench looked as if he were an alien wearing a human mask, and Bane's Dude was a worthless stoner.
• CONTINUITY. In more than one scene day became night instantly. In another, it's snowing in one part of Gotham and not in another. It's nitpicking, but it's also inexcusable.
• Okay, the last third. This is where the wheels really fell off for me.
• Why can't people leave Gotham? It doesn't seem under that strict of rule. It's apparently very easy to get on the island, right Bruce?
• The trapped cops. Really? They can't get out, but we can slide notes down on a string? 
• And when they do come out, what kind of formation was that? Okay guys, let's all bunch together and walk into incoming fire. 10-4, Chief.
• But wait! Batman's here. In his jet-thing. He'll help. And by help, I mean shoot one turret on one Tumbler.
• How many times was someone saved at the last possible second? I know that's part of these movies, but at the end of a trilogy, how about we lose somebody along the way?
• Blake, we don't need you in the battle, we need you to start evacuating Gotham, okay? Okay. I'll go get a dozen orphans and a school bus.
• I could keep going, but I'll stop, because I'm even annoying myself.
• But...last one! The final shot of Alfred in Italy. We should have been out after the nod. We didn't need to see who he was looking at it. It's okay for us to figure things out. I don't think that one was a real brain-buster.
• And is it a coincidence that Ben Roethlisberger is in this? Because I left feeling dizzy and violated.

Look, for many of you, I'm telling you your baby's ugly. Not cool, I know. But I am at such a loss to the universal love bestowed upon this one (it has the highest user rating I've ever seen on IMDB, right now). I don't know what to say. Maybe I was in a bad mood, maybe I'm an idiot and an asshole....or maybe...

Maybe, I'm right.