The things we do for love. A few weeks ago, my wife accompanied me to Blockbuster to help me choose our next movie to watch. First thing I need to mention, is involving her has traditionally been a bad move. Now I watch a ton of shitty movies, but it's generally inspired shittiness (at least in my opinion). Her picks? Not so much. But worse than watching a bad movie with her is, watching half of a bad movie with her. I don't know if this happens to you, but my significant other flatlines into a near coma if we start a movie past say...ten. And being that we have a two year old, that's pretty much every f--king time ever. So there I sit, watching something I didn't want to watch in the first place. Alone.
Flypaper is one of those movies that you inadvertently stumble across, see the decent ensemble cast, and ask yourself why haven't I ever heard of this? And while I can't specifically answer that question for you, most savvy types know the true answer: because it sucks. Now, this movie might not even qualify as awful, but for me, it didn't qualify as good either. And I loves me some Tim Blake Nelson. I do.
These movies always crank the quirk to eleven and hope for the best. And while everybody loves a good mystery, it helps when the audience actually gives a shit. And judging by my increased indifference and the volume of my wife's snoring, Team Two Dollar Cinema wasn't really onboard. And that's saying something, because the missus loves her some Patrick Dempsey. She do.
Okay, jerkface, what's the flick about? Well, it's a heist movie. But, the difference here is that there are two sets of bank robbers robbing the bank. At the same time! That premise seems tailor-made to make an old woman smile and clasp her hands together in ancient delight. But, this one is rated-R, Grandma. Despite being rather cutesy at times, it's probably got nineteen too-many motherf--kers for this one to get play at the Springfield Retirement Castle. My point, is that this flick seems like a goofy, almost made-for-TV caper, that would be on CBS on a Saturday night. But then the script went for misguided edginess, and the whole thing unraveled into a deep pile of average.
I went to my local bank and jammed a gun into someone's face and demanded small, unmarked Yays and Boos. Here's what I came home with...
These movies always crank the quirk to eleven and hope for the best. And while everybody loves a good mystery, it helps when the audience actually gives a shit. And judging by my increased indifference and the volume of my wife's snoring, Team Two Dollar Cinema wasn't really onboard. And that's saying something, because the missus loves her some Patrick Dempsey. She do.
Okay, jerkface, what's the flick about? Well, it's a heist movie. But, the difference here is that there are two sets of bank robbers robbing the bank. At the same time! That premise seems tailor-made to make an old woman smile and clasp her hands together in ancient delight. But, this one is rated-R, Grandma. Despite being rather cutesy at times, it's probably got nineteen too-many motherf--kers for this one to get play at the Springfield Retirement Castle. My point, is that this flick seems like a goofy, almost made-for-TV caper, that would be on CBS on a Saturday night. But then the script went for misguided edginess, and the whole thing unraveled into a deep pile of average.
I went to my local bank and jammed a gun into someone's face and demanded small, unmarked Yays and Boos. Here's what I came home with...
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| They just found out this movie made $1,098 on opening weekend. |
Yaaay!
- Even though the end result isn't much, I've always enjoyed a solid ensemble cast. Especially one that includes Booger.
- I got two terms out of this one. First up, when something smells terrible, it will now smell like an asshole factory. Second, when someone goes back to the bathroom, that's a re-piss. My goal? Yeah, use both in one sentence. Correctly.
- And finally, this one is short, all over the place but moves quickly. I was going to say like a midget on fire, but I thought that would be tasteless. Phew. Dodged that bullet.
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| McDreamy. Just typing it sends me into a Hulk-style rage. |
Booooo!
- Dempsey. Hey, you're trying - thanks for that. But while your antics were supposed to be quirky and loveable, I found them grating and stupid.
- Ashley Judd looks like she's wearing a mask of her own face. I would still make out with her, though. Obviously.
- The Bank Guard was the same guy who played Big Dave in Piranha 3DD. That's way too much greasy-doucher in my August movie watching. Way too much.
- Mekhi Phifer? Your tough-guy talk is pretty awful. It's about as successful as trying to use food stamps to buy diapers.
- And finally, why would you have a box of wedding presents at your work with you? Does that make sense? You're telling me that they had a party for you, and you carried all the presents back to your bank-teller area? And left them on the floor? Pretty sure if I worked at a bank, my boss might frown upon a stack of boxes so close to the money. Oh, wait. I forgot. She's hot. Rules don't apply.
ugghhhh I cannot STAND Patrick Dempsey. Ever since he was dubbed McDreamy his acting has devolved into smirking and trying to be charming.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're saying here, is pretty much fact. Outside of actually wanting to punch the screen while watching the third Transformers, I don't really hate Dempsey all that much though.
DeleteMy wife has had a thing for him since Can't Buy Me Love, and I tolerated him in Enchanted.
Still, I hear you.