Sir, are you ill?

Some of you smarter types might read a classic novel to better educate yourself, or perhaps to simply make you a more well-rounded individual. I do something similar, but remove the legitimacy. See, I'll watch obscure or niche movies in hopes of one thing, being able to cleverly reference them in conversation. In my mind, I'll be having this chat, surrounded by people who look like various incarnations of Rivers Cuomo, and I will drop some amazing reference and it will astound everyone. In college, before I met my wife of course, this imagined scenario was filled with women. And they were so wowed by my wit, it made their shirts uncomfortable. Naturally, they removed them.

Dropping a proper Blacula reference is likely going to be impossible, but I've hopefully got at least fifty more years to do it. Or, if I'm bitten by an irate African prince with massive eyebrows, I might have the rest of time. Either way, I'm up for the challenge.

This was one of those situations where I thought my wife was asleep. No, not one of those situations, but one where I figured I might as well watch something that she would have absolutely zero interest in. Sure enough, she saunters into the living room right as I press play. Ooh, what are you watching? Shit.

Actually, she hung in there for a minute. Just long enough to see Count Dracula not only curse the African Prince (after mildly offending him by casually offering to purchase his wife), but to also give him a new f--king name. Seriously, when did vampires get this power? Shit, not only am I an undead f--k, but now I have to be called f--king Blacula? This is some bullshit, man, Bullshit.

Outside of the random beginning, Blacula is pretty straightforward. Our main man wakes up in early 70's Los Angeles rather bloodthirsty. He chomps on the first two dudes he sees, meets his reincarnated wife, easily convinces her of her past, and attempts to live happily after. Meanwhile, an incredibly smooth doctor pieces together the mystery of a rash of dead people showing up in the morgue completely drained of blood. And while this bothers him ever so much, he still finds time to take his sweet lady/lab assistant to the club. There, they meet and hang out with some funky dude who sounds like Sideshow Mel and wears a long black cape everywhere he goes.  Man, if only we had some leads!


Obvious mysteries aside, let's check in with those funky cats, the Yays and Boos. Those jive turkeys are always down. Always.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Early on, we get a fantastically lame torch vs. sword battle.
• The opening animated title sequence featured some kickass funk. Made me want to make some sweet love. Or drive around with a toothpick in my mouth.
• The guys who buy Dracula's stuff at auction are hilariously awful. Say, real estate man. Are there any secret passages in this house? I remember being pissed I didn't ask my realtor that same question. Oh, and in this movie? The answer? Of course, let me show you.
• Blacula's pimphand? Oh, it's strong.
• Blacula gets hit by a car. Imagine that. The first car you ever see, runs your ass over.
• Dr. Gordon Thomas, Vampire Hunter. This guy is the f--king man. He throws out kisses like a motherf--ker. The bitches ladies love it, of course.
• Somehow, even though he's in a world he's never been in, Blacula not only finds the club that everybody goes to, but he also finds and befriends a woman that looks like his dead wife, and the doctor that is looking for his murdering ass. Jeez, I'm lucky if I can find something in the fridge (without asking my wife).
• In my favorite scene, the coroner realizes that a body is, gasp, gone! Oh shit, what do we do? I got it. Call the club!
• Best line? Hey, wait a minute. Where's that big dude with the cape?
• Gun to your head: What's Blacula's drink of choice? You know this, trust me.
• There's a scene near the end where they are surrounded by vampires. The only way out? Throw some of the infinite number of f--king lanterns in the room at them, of course.
• Blacula kills a cop by throwing barrels at him. Notice the s. Dude's like Donkey Kong.

Boooooooooo!

• When you're bandaging your life partner, you might want to be a tad more aware of your surroundings. Especially, if Blacula is in your surroundings.
• Even though, when hungry, our man Blac moves and sounds like Frankenstein. And his eyebrows quadruple in size.
• I hate when movies shine a negative light on careers that I would have wanted to pursue. Scratch Gay 70's Antiques Dealer off the list. Another dream crushed.
• Maybe it was a sign of the times, I don't know, but everybody hates gay people in this film. Especially the cops. When a body goes missing, it's Who the Hell would want a dead f-ggot? Harsh, bro. Harsh.
• Blacula tells his woman his story.  Denied! Wait for three seconds. Oh, yeah. It's on. She slowly takes off his cape and they hug. What the shit is this?
• Doc handles himself well in a graveyard battle, but his woman demands that he must Stop! Don't kill him! Please remember, he's fighting someone he just dug up. In a cemetery.
• Spoken line that made me punch myself: Vampires multiply geometrically. Thanks, professor.
• Doc figures out the mystery of Blacula in a darkroom when he finds some mysterious pictures. I thought the oft-mentioned black cape was a pretty big clue, but apparently not.
• Vampires make a sound when thawing?
• And finally, the ending? That's how you're going out, Blac? Really? And then -boom- credits.

I'll let you know if I ever manage to work in the Blacula reference, okay. Actually, you could reference this post if you want to. Say you and you're friends are talking and someone steps in shit. You could be like, that reminds me of this post I read on Two Dollar Cinema!

Let me know what the boobs looked like.