Stop punishing yourself, Sarah.

Being the hugely influential trendsetter I am, I've decided to try to watch more horror movies this October, to gear up for Halloween. I know, I know - revolutionary idea, right? Wait, what's that? Everybody does that? Well, damn.

Okay, how's this? Instead of just watching any horror movie, I'm going to dig deep and watch a shitty one. I bet that's never been done before.

This is the same face I made when the movie ended.

Maybe shitty is too strong, but overall, I was pretty disappointed with Silent House. I'm not sure what I expected, but as someone who rarely watches horror movies (my wife can't stand being scared), I was hopeful this little flick could give me a few decent jump scares. And while the setup was intriguing/creepy enough (though inherently ridiculous), eventually, it all became tedious and frustrating.

The plot is simple, if not just a little bit silly. A girl and her dad are fixing up their old house in an attempt to sell it. To lend a hand, is the moderately-creepy uncle. All of this? Reasonable enough. Creepy house, small cast...works. But, the power is out. And, due to pesky kids, every window is boarded up. Hmm. I guess that explains why it's pitch black in the house, despite the fact that it's f--king daytime. Whatever, I'm still on board. Oh, what's that? Your cell phones don't work up here? Well, then. F--k this.

And while my rational mind had problems with this one, other parts of my body had a good time. The reason? A very convincing (and oddly attractive?) Elizabeth Olsen. She doesn't have much to do, but I enjoyed watching her do it. [Even I see this has taken an unsettling turn] All I'm saying is that I enjoyed her performance. And her shirt (i.e the real Olsen twins).

Speaking of a sweet pair, how about we check with those lovable jerks, the Yays and Boos? Hopefully they can help dial down the creepy we seem to be mired in.

Yaaaay!

• The house is pretty frickin' creepy. Dozens of rooms, creaky stairs and surprise! Scary-ass basement.
• Slightly overused but awesome nonetheless, I love when our only light source is the flash of a camera. Love that.
• I'll throw some love to the real-time, one-shot aspect of the flick. Sure, we can all see where they 'hid' their edits, but I applaud the effort and some of the moves the camera makes.
• And finally, in a far less sketchy manner (hopefully), I honestly want to say that I liked Olsen in this performance. She brings equal bits of credibility and vulnerability to fairly tough role. Solid work.

Spoiler Alert. The evil force in this house? Michelle Tanner.

 Boooooo!

• I'm dating myself, but two of the Scream rules were broken here. I'll excuse the I'll be right back line because it makes sense, but drinking alcohol? Seemed forced.
• I hope you like lanterns!
• The two guys were terrible actors. I know they were supposed to be a-holes, but I think those guys are a-holes.
• The one-take gimmick actually works against this flick after awhile. Sometimes, a lack of edits makes things increasingly more tense, which is a good thing. After an hour, it gets painfully dull. Which isn't.
• Since I don't want to spoil anything, imagine this: The main character of a movie is trapped in a tent with a bear for about an hour. Then imagine, they finally get out of the tent and away from the bear. Phew, the tension was killing me. Now imagine, they go back into the tent. Why the f--k am I watching this?
• And finally, I'm (rather clearly) not the sharpest tool in the shed, but even I called just about every twist in this one. And since you're reading this blog, you're obviously a motherf--king genius! Proceed with caution...

While I don't think I'll be able to exclusively watch horror movies this October (and remain happily married), I've got at least two or three more in me. I've got one sitting here featuring clowns of all things, but nothing else on tap. Got any suggestions?