I'd hate to be accused of not killing him when I had the chance.

There are exceptions, but for the most part, work sucks. Worse than being at a job you hate? The always dreaded team building activity. 'Mandatory fun' as a friend puts it, often makes a regular shitty day seem precious. But even worse than spending time with co-workers in a forced situation? Being murdered. I don't mean what happens to your soul day after day, I mean actually. Oh, and worse than that? Well, I don't want to ruin it. Let's just say it involves something sharp. And an ass.

Held over from my month-long pledge to watch nothing but horror movies, Severance managed to avoid being lost in DVR purgatory. I don't know what drew me to it, as all I was going on was the one-sentence summary provided by the good folks at the Dish Network program guide. I hadn't heard of any of the mentioned actors, but proceeded to dive in. And even though it took me three attempts (I keep slipping into mini-comas), overall it was a bloody, good ride.

Initially, everything is on the up-and-up. A small group of people who work for some weapons/defense company are on their way to the ubiquitous cabin in the woods. And while sequential murder isn't supposed to be on the agenda, team building is. The characters begin fairly one-note. Douchey Boss? Check. Overly Nerdy Guy? You bet. Quiet Lady and Pretty Girl are here as well, along with Confident Man and his friend, Druggie Perverted Guy. Oh, and there's Black Guy, too. Each is given a moment or two to flesh out their characters, but as they are picked off one by one, there's only two or three we'll ever really care about. 

But we don't watch a f--king movie called Severance for subtle characterization, right? Right. We watch it to see the messed up ways that people will kill or be killed. And while the gore and deaths are solid and amusing, what will really get you is the amount of laughs along the way. While realism and terror must have missed their bus, humor and unexpected ass-kicking showed up early and made coffee. Whatever the f--k that means.

Since neither of us know where the Hell this is going, this seems like an ideal time to hunt down and kill the Yays and Boos. Don't bother with the bear traps, though. (whispering) They don't have legs.

Reminds me of my first date with my wife. She brought a friend.

 Yaaaaaaaay!

• The two girls in the hole. Even though you didn't show us the goods, that was a very funny idea.
• I liked how a couple of people floated their theories about the place they were staying. The winner clearly being The Sex Lodge.
• Finding a tooth in your meat pie is equal parts disgusting and awesome. A cow with gold fillings?
• For what is essentially a comedy, this one contains some of the more gruesome scenes I've ever scene. The bear trap bit was astonishingly brutal, but the worst? It involves gently kicking someone over and the line, This is gonna hurt. I actually looked away, winced and made that oooooohhhh face. I think I even did that thing where you shake your hand like you're trying to put a match out. Yeah. I know. My gesticulations really paint the picture. You're welcome.
• Best refrigerator scene ever? Maybe? Though I can't think of another. Ghostbusters?
• Most random scene ever?  Wait til the big boss breaks out his rocket launcher.
• If you're in a horror movie, and you discuss whether or not your severed head can still process information or not...pretty sure that's always foreshadowing. Pretty sure.
• And finally, the Pretty Girl, Maggie, basically turns into Dirty Harry by the end of this one. It's silly, but it also rules.

 Boooooo!

• The fact that they ever thought they were in the right place is mind-boggling. 
• And the fact that they still go ahead and play paintball. Really?
• The real cabin was that close? Boooo!
• This may be one of the most uneven movies ever made. I guess it's pure satire, but it's also just f--king weird. I guess it's part of the charm?
• Look, the Good Guys have to be able to get away from the Bad Guys, I'm cool. But can it at least be better than outrunning bullets? Please?
• And finally, the Bad Guys? What the Hell was their problem? I liked it better before I heard them speak.

Well, I'm going to have to call this one and go to bed. Because we're making up a hurricane day, we don't have the day off tomorrow that we were supposed to. Boo on that. But, in light of recent events, let's keep a little perspective, shall we? Jeez.

Fine. At least it's not team building.