Bitches, man.

Many years ago, on a flight from Honolulu to Boston, I started to outline an idea for a movie. The idea was to create the most violent film ever, but not only in sheer amount of gore, but in that many of the deaths would be funny and memorable. And since real people being splattered all over the screen isn't that funny, clearly we were going to need zombies. Lots of them. The gag was that there was this fully-functioning town in the desert where zombies were living out their lives, as far as they knew, normally. My friend even came up with the title The Peaceful Dead. The, um, hero, was to come in and absolutely slaughter this town in a blood-soaked rage, only to find that there was a simple cure to turn them back. And while I never figured out how to change 'em (the best I could do was water, you know, because it's the desert), I know there was one thing that never crossed my mind: Love.

When I told a friend of mine that I was really excited to see Warm Bodies he said that he was totally zombied out. And while I can't even recall the last zombie movie I've seen, the last good one was likely Shaun of the Dead. And that was almost ten years ago. Ten years, man. Ten! And while I agree that certain trends seem to get played out by Hollywood (see also: pirates, torture, vampires, end of the world, to name a few), for me, the walking dead haven't. Well, except for The Walking Dead, I suppose, but I've never seen a minute of it.

But Warm Bodies isn't a zombie movie, it's a love story. And you'd be hard pressed to find anyone, my man child friend included, that doesn't like a love story. Especially a very good one.

There are many things that this flick does right, namely the cast and the setting, but what I found myself most drawn to was the relationship between zombie guy R (played with infinite sweetness by Nicholas Hoult) and Julie (an intriguing Teresa Palmer). Sure, the trailers gave a lot of it away, but their relationship develops in such a natural way, it was hard not to smile throughout. R, despite being a brain-eating corpse, reminds me of every guy I've ever seen try to court a girl (myself included). It's simple, but it's also very clever and charming.

What really got me, more so than any film in recent memory, is how this relationship affects others. Sure it's a bit cheesy, but I f--king loved how seeing two people care for each other literally changed the lives of others. Sure, I've been happy for a friend who's in love before, but then, in a typical dick move, I end up resenting them for not being around anymore. Here, it inspires people and it changes them, makes them better. And while it's all rather silly, I dig that idea. We need more of that.

What we probably don't need more of, are the Yays and Boos. But like a bad screenplay written on an American Airlines napkin, somehow, they live on.

If it were me, she'd be holding a copy of Welcome to Mooseport.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• The soundtrack f--king rules. Guns N' Roses + Bob Dylan + The Scorpions = my head and ass exploding in pure sonic joy.
• Do the Oscars have a category for Best Narration? Well, they should. Nailed it.
• The cast! The two leads are awesome, but their friends are surprisingly great, too. This is the best thing Rob Corddry has done/will ever do. F--king perfect. His bit at the end made me so happy, I felt like an undead  little girl.
• Speaking of, They...said. F--k. Yeah.
• Was a big fan of R's sweet bachelor pad, too. He basically lives exactly like Wall-E. Minus the roaches.
• Those pesky wet clothes! I wish it rained more where I live. Holy shit!
• The bonus power from consuming the brain was a nice touch. Probably low carb, too.
• Loved the dig at how we were before the zombie plague. It must have been better when we could express ourselves. Brilliant.
• When my wife's all not pregnant, we're totally going out for some Coronas and canned fruit. Well, she is.
• Life goal #28: Play catch with a zombie. And yes, all you Jersey pricks, I said play catch. Not have a catch. Assholes.
• And finally, there's something about a movie starring no one and isn't a sequel being good that makes me very happy. Fingers crossed for Jennifer Lawrence somehow being in the next one!

In your head, in your head. Zombie. Zombie. Zzzzzombieeee...

 Boooooo!

• I guess it's kind of a rule of these type of movies, but her ex-boyfriend was the prototypical douche, even if it was justified.
• I was kind of pissed at Julie when she bailed on R. What the shit is that? I want to die all over again. Poor guy.
• You don't ever stop a Roy Orbison song before it's finished. Ever.
• Not that it really matters (like any of this does), but what's with the goo he smears on her face? Do I want to know where he gets it? That shit's pretty potent, apparently.
• The Boneys. They were effective, but also pretty low budge, too. Eh, I'm reaching.
• And finally, now I have to figure out a way to name my next kid R.

Well, like many of my questionably brilliant ideas, someone not only finished theirs, but also made it much better. Oh well, I'll get 'em next time, I'm sure of it.

Unless of course, someone else makes a movie about a guy who can see into the future.
Well, only when he's masturbating, naturally.

Ma'am, you're gonna have to trust me - lives are at stake. I need...I need you to take off your shirt.