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Monday, February 4, 2013

Bitches, man.

Many years ago, on a flight from Honolulu to Boston, I started to outline an idea for a movie. The idea was to create the most violent film ever, but not only in sheer amount of gore, but in that many of the deaths would be funny and memorable. And since real people being splattered all over the screen isn't that funny, clearly we were going to need zombies. Lots of them. The gag was that there was this fully-functioning town in the desert where zombies were living out their lives, as far as they knew, normally. My friend even came up with the title The Peaceful Dead. The, um, hero, was to come in and absolutely slaughter this town in a blood-soaked rage, only to find that there was a simple cure to turn them back. And while I never figured out how to change 'em (the best I could do was water, you know, because it's the desert), I know there was one thing that never crossed my mind: Love.

When I told a friend of mine that I was really excited to see Warm Bodies he said that he was totally zombied out. And while I can't even recall the last zombie movie I've seen, the last good one was likely Shaun of the Dead. And that was almost ten years ago. Ten years, man. Ten! And while I agree that certain trends seem to get played out by Hollywood (see also: pirates, torture, vampires, end of the world, to name a few), for me, the walking dead haven't. Well, except for The Walking Dead, I suppose, but I've never seen a minute of it.

But Warm Bodies isn't a zombie movie, it's a love story. And you'd be hard pressed to find anyone, my man child friend included, that doesn't like a love story. Especially a very good one.

There are many things that this flick does right, namely the cast and the setting, but what I found myself most drawn to was the relationship between zombie guy R (played with infinite sweetness by Nicholas Hoult) and Julie (an intriguing Teresa Palmer). Sure, the trailers gave a lot of it away, but their relationship develops in such a natural way, it was hard not to smile throughout. R, despite being a brain-eating corpse, reminds me of every guy I've ever seen try to court a girl (myself included). It's simple, but it's also very clever and charming.

What really got me, more so than any film in recent memory, is how this relationship affects others. Sure it's a bit cheesy, but I f--king loved how seeing two people care for each other literally changed the lives of others. Sure, I've been happy for a friend who's in love before, but then, in a typical dick move, I end up resenting them for not being around anymore. Here, it inspires people and it changes them, makes them better. And while it's all rather silly, I dig that idea. We need more of that.

What we probably don't need more of, are the Yays and Boos. But like a bad screenplay written on an American Airlines napkin, somehow, they live on.

If it were me, she'd be holding a copy of Welcome to Mooseport.
Yaaaaaaaaaay!
  • The soundtrack f--king rules. Guns N' Roses + Bob Dylan + The Scorpions = my head and ass exploding in pure sonic joy.
  • Do the Oscars have a category for Best Narration? Well, they should. Nailed it.
  • The cast! The two leads are awesome, but their friends are surprisingly great, too. This is the best thing Rob Corddry has done/will ever do. F--king perfect. His bit at the end made me so happy, I felt like an undead  little girl.
  • Speaking of, They...said. F--k. Yeah.
  • Was a big fan of R's sweet bachelor pad, too. He basically lives exactly like Wall-E. Minus the roaches.
  • Those pesky wet clothes! I wish it rained more where I live. Holy shit!
  • The bonus power from consuming the brain was a nice touch. Probably low carb, too.
  • Loved the dig at how we were before the zombie plague. It must have been better when we could express ourselves. Brilliant.
  • When my wife's all not pregnant, we're totally going out for some Coronas and canned fruit. Well, she is.
  • Life goal #28: Play catch with a zombie. And yes, all you Jersey pricks, I said play catch. Not have a catch. Assholes.
  • And finally, there's something about a movie starring no one and isn't a sequel being good that makes me very happy. Fingers crossed for Jennifer Lawrence somehow being in the next one!
In your head, in your head. Zombie. Zombie. Zzzzzombieeee...
 Boooooo!
  • I guess it's kind of a rule of these type of movies, but her ex-boyfriend was the prototypical douche, even if it was justified.
  • I was kind of pissed at Julie when she bailed on R. What the shit is that? I want to die all over again. Poor guy.
  • You don't ever stop a Roy Orbison song before it's finished. Ever.
  • Not that it really matters (like any of this does), but what's with the goo he smears on her face? Do I want to know where he gets it? That shit's pretty potent, apparently.
  • The Boneys. They were effective, but also pretty low budge, too. Eh, I'm reaching.
  • And finally, now I have to figure out a way to name my next kid R.
Well, like many of my questionably brilliant ideas, someone not only finished theirs, but also made it much better. Oh well, I'll get 'em next time, I'm sure of it.

Unless of course, someone else makes a movie about a guy who can see into the future.
Well, only when he's masturbating, naturally.

Ma'am, you're gonna have to trust me - lives are at stake. I need...I need you to take off your shirt.

10 comments:

  1. I'm beginning to think this movie is actually better than I'd expected. I'll look for it when it comes to DVD. Oh, and your ideas for film premises are awesome (imagine some dude's ... ummm ... personal time being put to such good use, peeking into the future). You need to write a screenplay. :-)

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    1. When I go the theater, I tend to just arbitrarily like things because I'm so happy to be in a quiet room. But, I think that this movie is actually very good. It's not a masterpiece, but it's clever and well done.

      I think the longest I ever made it into a screenplay was thirty pages, and I lost interest/focus. I mean, I can' even stay on topic talking about a film, let alone writing one!

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  2. Interestingly enough, a friend of mine wrote a novel called The Dishonored Dead, with the premise being that zombies are the norm, and living humans are feared and killed. It's quite a good read! His name is Robert Swartwood, and I have the Kindle edition if you're interested.

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    1. I remember you talking about this way back. I will check it out this summer, as that will likely be the last time I ever read anything ever again.

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  3. Nice review M. It's a zombie movie that might make you feel squishy but under completely different circumstances. Totally not expecting that in the least-bit.

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    1. I'm not exactly what got squishy, but I'm with you.

      For whatever reason, I wasn't even surprised this movie was good...I was just surprised how good.

      Squishy good.

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  4. I want to see this and you confirmed that in a solid way. Glad to read your review.

    If you put your thirty pages with my sixty we would have a full screenplay... Although, it wouldn't make sense unless my two-best-friends-on-a-road-trip ran through that zombie town... Oh my God, we're going places.

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    1. Well, whenever it is I get fired from my day job, I'll e-mail you and we can get this thing off the ground.

      We could call it Movie 44.

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  5. This sounds pretty fun. I like unconventional love stories and I'd like to see zombie's Wall-e bachelor pad :P And I do love it when music kicks ass in the movies. Django would probably get 15 points less from me if it wasn't for this fantastic soundtrack.

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    1. I refuse to actually tell you to go see anything. I have no idea what you'd think of this one. None.

      Please don't remind me of Django. It's like my secret shame that I missed that one in theaters. I mean, I saw The Collector theatrically. Or The Collection. Or whatever the f--k it was called. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrgghhhh!

      (But yeah, I hear you about soundtracks)

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