You're ridiculous. This place is ridiculous.

My wife and I have been together since 2001. In the dozen years that have passed, there's never been any wavering or separation. Basically, we've been a package deal forever. Despite rarely attending any parties or get-togethers, I'm fairly sure that we're not the annoying couple. In fact, we generally keep to ourselves and have an extremely small group of friends.

Shit. Maybe we are the annoying couple.

Very late Saturday night, my wife and I sat down to watch Celeste and Jesse Forever. And by that I mean I sat and watched, as wifey slipped into a pregnancy-induced coma minutes before the opening frame. There were a couple of other flicks on the table, but she wanted to see something nice. And as she began making sounds like a wounded Yeti, I sat back begrudgingly and thought, yeah, real nice...

I only mention the proceedings because it might help to explain my overall indifference/dislike of the movie. I've enjoyed the work of Andy Samberg and Rashida Jones in the past, but here, it simply didn't jive for me. While Samberg's Jesse is basically a large boy (though, to be fair, most guys are), the real problem is Celeste, as played by Jones.

Celeste is smart, successful and attractive, but she also comes across as consistently bitter and unhappy. It's hard to root for someone to find love, when you don't really like them in the first place. Even if it's just a mild dislike. And, given the glimpses we get of them together (on whatever level), their cutesy bullshit will either make you smile and sigh, or shake your head and quietly want to punch something. You can guess how I felt. Go ahead, I'll wait.

While I initially enjoyed the idea of a divorced couple still remaining best friends, it quickly spiraled into one of those movies where no one could figure out what they want. Sure, that may be realistic for some of you, but after the ninth time that somebody wanted to be back with the other one, it became maddening. If you're invested in the couple, it's dramatic. If you're not, it's tedious. Like listening to your friend talk to his new girlfriend on the phone. Or something.

Speaking of a couple no one really cares for, here are the Yays and Boos. They want to be your Valentine in the worst way. They even made you a mixtape.

Yaaaaaaay!

• There's a problem when my favorite character is Slightly Gay Frodo. It's not that he's a bad character (though he's not as funny as we'd like), it's just that Elijah Wood only gets a few minutes of screen time. Still, you have to love Wood. It's a rule.
• Celeste's first rebound guy, Max, is a pretty cool dude. I liked how they went with a nice guy on her first date, as opposed to the typical doucher these flicks usually trot out.
• Mentioning imaginary movies is always a plus, but when it's the prequel to 10,000 BC (the even more ridiculous 20,000 BC) we've reached a new level of awesome.
• I was a big fan of the alternate definition of a Baby Bjorn. Reminded me of something Stefan from SNL would promote for unsuspecting visitors to NYC.
• Re-watching old Olympics? That's surprisingly great.
• The Nick Nolte line actually made me laugh.
• And finally, I'm not even sure why, but I love some Eric Christian Olsen. This guy has owned me ever since his small part in Beerfest. Und Beck's? Ja, und Beck's!

Booooooo!

• What pained me the most in their awkward to every else but them antics was their love of jerking off small objects. Maybe, just maaaaaaybe that was funny on paper. On screen? Anything but.
• Can I just say it? F--k movie jobs. Seriously. Trend forecaster is the coolest job ever. Benefit? You're a master psychic. Drawback? You're a huge bitch.
• Oh, and another part of her job I hated? The whole Ke$ha/Emma Roberts arc. That made me want to die young.
• Yoga, or whatever the Hell the name of the guy she dates, was a huge-jerkoff. At least he handled the break well.
• Hope you're not here for Samberg. Jesse Sometimes & Celeste Forever would've been a more fitting title.
• Okay, I arbitrarily hate (movie?) people who a) are my age, but don't have kids b) have a lot of cool, hip friends and c) have cool jobs that they somehow never have to go to. But now, I have to add d) live in or are from California. My God, the trendy lifestyle douchery suffocated all joy/relatability I had with these characters.
• And finally, was this flick real time? I could never get a handle on the timeline here? Had months passed? Or just days? The only possible explanation is that that woman was pregnant for seventeen months.

So, I tried to post something sweet and romantic for Valentine's Day, hopefully leading to a similar evening with the wife. Turns out my son is sick and has been vomiting at random. At best, there will be a moment of joy, but overall, it will be a quiet disappointment, I hope to soon forget.

Sounds like a movie I once saw.