Put on some dry clothes and come play with us.

Not including the three by marriage, I have six uncles. One Bob, two Bills, a Peter, and a set of Mikes. My relationship varies up and down the line, but it's safe to say I love each of these guys. And, I'm assuming, they feel the same way about me, too. But, don't get me wrong. The extent of this affection goes only so far. Maybe a birthday ten-spot, or a ride to the airport.  Not, say...a lifetime of undying devotion and morbid fascination.

Stoker, the latest from director Chan-wook Park, is a rather unique experience. Taking place over a couple of days, the film revolves around the mysterious arrival of long-lost Uncle Charlie. Charlie is brother to the recently-deceased father of India, the young protagonist featured on the poster to the right.

India, newly 18, is an introverted young girl with enhanced powers of perception. She's not quite a candidate for Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters or anything, she's simply a girl who due to her overwhelming shyness, has developed the ability to sense things more acutely than the rest of us.

While India may be slightly off, Uncle Charlie is totally f--ked up. Look beyond the radiant smile, glowing eyes and Norman Rockwell attire, and it's all too apparent that this dude ain't quite right. Then again, I'm not a lonely woman who just the man in her life. Them bitches love this mofo.

In the deft hands of Chan-wook Park, Stoker comes alive. Constant visual cues and camera movements make an interesting premise damn near captivating. Now it's not the glorious mindf--k that Oldboy is (though, what is?), but it's still quietly insane. Even if you can see the twists coming, it's still a blast watching it all come together, even if there's some heartbreaking madness along the way.


Though the film has its share of twists, the biggest I didn't see that coming moment, for me, still has to be who actually wrote the script. Wentworth F--king Miller (pretty sure that's his given name) of all people, the handsome guy from the Fox show Prison Break (and that one Mariah Carey video where her tits are hanging out), is actually a very educated feller, and penned a rather intricate script. Granted, with such fantastic actors and a genius/madman director, something I shat on a napkin would likely light up the silver screen, too. That said, I'm still impressed. Who knew?

Also surprising (and impressive) to one person, is that the upcoming Yays and Boos were written by yours truly. I know, you figured that someone much less handsome and charming had to come with these clever observations, but alas, they're all me.

Nothing creepy here.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Ah, the score. So wonderfully sullen and creepy. 
• Time lapse shoe collection. I dug the shoes regardless, but seeing them all chronologically was very cool.
• I love how actions in one scene affect the perception of another. Okay, that sentence doesn't make sense. Let's go with, screen look pretty.
• Nicole Kidman. In addition to being an incredible actress, she is impossibly gorgeous as the mom in Stoker. I'm pretty sure watching her incorrectly assemble IKEA furniture would be utterly captivating cinema.
• Retribution for High School A-holes. Ha ha ha. You gots yo hand f--ked up, playa!
• The piano. While a beautiful instrument of grace and substance, here it's the setting of a devastatingly lovely/creepy-as-shit duet between Uncle Charlie and India. Here, let me get those pesky keys on the other side of you, dear.
• Uncle Charlie, the creepy f--k that he is, comes up pretty huge for his niece. Though he might take his clutch move just a little too far.
• Aw...those are some nice letters from your uncle. You should bring those us to your room. Oh, wait. What's this? Aw shit.
• I swear I hear a phone ringing. Shh. Listen. It almost sounds like it's coming from...F--k this!
• Personally speaking, I can't wait to watch life tear you apart. Ouch.
• And finally, backwards credits. For comedies, you leave 'em with outtakes. For movies that are less laughs, more stabs in the brain, you send 'em out with backwards credits. You pretty much have to.

My bed looks just like this, except the boxes are filled with pictures of this scene.

Booooooooooo!

• Damn gossipy-ass maids.
• At times, at least early on, the intrigue was coming on a bit thick. For example, the looks that punctuate the completion of most sentences can be pretty silly. Luckily the whole thing moves so damn quickly, none of the goofiness ever overwhelms.
• Hey, high school douchebag! Nice hang out, bro. 
• Uncle Charlie: (enthusiastically) This soil is good for digging! Rest of World: Good to know. (under breath) F--king psycho.
• On that note, I thought that Charlie's unsavory antics were tipped super early. That said, shit still surprised me.
• Sometimes, how odd everyone is can be a bit much. There was a scene where India (played by Mia Wasikowska) is sitting in a gigantic rocking chair reading an over-sized encyclopedia where I was tempted to just start slapping everyone.
• There is one flashback near the end that crushed me. Then he makes a dirt angel? *shudder
• Spiders. When will there quest for warmth/vagina end?
• Whip, you a-hole. Either way, you got what you deserved.
• I'm all for exploring your own body, but what the shit was that? Rarely do I celebrate the worst news alive with shower time antics. Rarely.
• And finally, the ending. Not that the ending is a Boo, but I felt alone. And violated.

Reading a few 'Best of 2013' lists, it seems that a lot of bloggers really, really liked Stoker. You should probably check it out, then. I mean, bloggers pretty much know everything.

My uncles would vouch for this, I'm sure.