Amazing Amy has always been one step ahead of me.

Look around your house. If you're not home, it may be as simple as glancing at your phone. We surround ourselves with things that we love, things that define who we are, then as time passes, we replace them with something else. Or, simply forget about them all together and move on. Within an arm's reach I have at least a half dozen things I once completely adored, and now am relatively indifferent to. In fact, the laptop I'm using at this moment used to be immaculate and doted over. Now? It irritates me just thinking about it. If only I could trade it in for a newer model, you know?

I mean, it's not like it would get upset and try to f--king ruin my life.

Maybe it's a stretch, but the way we treat our things may in fact mirror the way we treat each other. We have long become a throwaway society with our stuff, and the argument could be made that we're doing the same with our people and our relationships. Fixing, it seems, is much harder than replacing. Especially if it was defective in the first place.

In David Fincher's Gone Girl, based on the novel by Gillian Flynn, married couple Nick and Amy appear to be broken. Well, they would look that way, if Amy wasn't missing (literally) of course.

Initially Nick, played with a solemn swagger by Ben Affleck, is upset about his wife's disappearance, but maybe not as much as he should be. Taking anything presented in this film at face value, however, is clearly a mistake, and careful consideration should be given to any living thing on the screen. Well, outside of the cat. You could trust that pussy.

And while I'm sure that you fully know what happened in the book (or movie) by now, I'm not going to say anything else, at least not up here. The Yays and Boos will probably ruin everything, but let's be honest. That's kind of what they do.


I went in completely blind (my wife too) and was routinely knocked on my ass during this one's epic run time (I hadn't even seen the trailer!). Hell, I almost came out blind, too, as there was more than one occasion where I thought gouging my eyes out would be less painful than what I was seeing on screen. While the surprise of each f--ked up twist and no f--king way turn certainly added to my immense enjoyment, it's not as if Gone Girl gets by on just it's shock value. No, once again, David Fincher (and a slew of others) has crafted a film that while overwhelmingly wrong, feels so right. These horrific events, not too mention the deplorable characters mired in them, shouldn't be so enjoyable, but the second it ended, I wanted to see it again. Immediately.

For a couple hundred words, I realize I've said so little, but this time (promise) it's deliberate. If you haven't seen the movie, please X out of this site now. And if you have seen the movie, well, shit. You should probably do the same. Either way, here are the Yays and Boos.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• After a coin toss, let me go ahead and start with Affleck. He is absolutely the perfect person to play Nick Dunne. We like Ben. We trust this handsome goofball. Well, we think we do, right?
• But holy shit, guys, Rosamund Pike? Incredible. Yes, she's just about the most gorgeous woman ever put to film, but what she does here as Amy is miles beyond eye-candy. She's so good, it's scary. Maybe even terrifying.
• And Tyler Perry? This dude is perfect as Tanner Bolt. In fact, his performance is so good, I'm willing to forgive the existence of at least four Madea movies. Now about the other thirty...
• Carrie Coon, as Nick's twin sister, delivered what is likely the most honest performance of the movie. By that I mean, you can actually trust her. I think.
• Man, that was a pretty solid marriage proposal. Though the gold standard is still the string thing in Stepmom. Damn you, Ed Harris. Damn you.
• Okay, I've gone on too long without mentioning the sex in this movie. Initially, it's all pretty awesome, right? Right? And then it's terrible. But then, then it's f--king incredible! My wife got really pissed at how much I enjoyed her. (she actually used the word 'ugly' which may be one of the funniest things I have ever heard in my life). Oh, and then it's back to terrible. Really, really terrible. Overall, still a Yay. Sort of.
• God I love Patrick Fugit. His character is having way too much fun.
• The score is soooo good. Maybe not The Social Network good (or GWTDT good), but still insanely atmospheric and beautifully creepy.
• I guess 'thriller' is the easy answer, but there were more than enough laughs here to make a case for 'comedy' as where to file this one. What can I say? I laugh when I'm f--king mortified.
• Gillian Flynn is brilliant. I was awed by this script in almost every way possible.
• The structure of this film is flawless. The timeline is so incredibly f--ked, flashbacks within flashbacks kind of thing, but it's never even remotely a problem.
• And finally, I don't think there's anything I love more than a narrator you can't trust. Seriously, you come at me with that sultry voice, and I'm all in. Even if you're, you know, totally full of shit and possibly the craziest bitch on the planet.

Booooooooooooo!

• Don't make us feel bad for wanting the Cool Girl, okay? 
• I find Ben's chin rather heroic, thank you very much.
• I didn't think of it until now, but I will never again crucify anyone for smiling in a picture. I'm serious. I think it's purely innate that when someone says smile, you comply. Even if you shouldn't.
• And speaking of, Selfie Chick? I wish someone would hit her in the face with a hammer.
• Um, and speaking of...that...what the f--k, right? I thought I was watching Oldboy for a second. Damn.
• I almost lost my wife, too. All kidding aside, I thought she was gone with the boxcutter scene. She kept saying Is it over? Is it over? at an inappropriate volume (if you ask me)
• Actually, the bloodless violence was a million times worse, don't you think? Especially the last time. Damn it, Nick. You've come too far for this.
• Sugar storm? More like shit storm.
• Whoa, whoa...whoa. A Mets hat? C'mon, Ben. Shoulda been a Sox hat. Even if they blow.
• Dried blood. a) the hospital will send you home like that? b) that must be the most effective shower in the f--king world
• I'm just going to say this once, and don't go all Margot Robbie on me, but I thought NPH was the weak link here. He wasn't terrible, I just felt that he took me out of the movie for a second.
• I actually almost screamed during this movie. Not out of fear or anything, but out of desperation. RUN, NICK! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNN.
• And finally, I don't drink, but I'm pretty sure that's not how you open a bottle of bubbly.

Whoa. It's getting late. Let me wrap this entire review up in just four simple words: Go see this movie.

Or...

I love my wife.