Single advantage of being me? I'm hard to surprise.

In my illustrious career as a server (despite being referred to as waitress on more than one occasion) I made a killing on drinks. Alcoholic drinks at night, oh yeah, but during the day - it was all about the smoothie. That f--ker was $4.50 and some little shits would have/demand more than one in a sitting. Combine that with a burger and fries and you were looking at dropping twenty bucks easily. And no one ever ate alone.

If you look closely, you can probably see me totally f--king up someone's order.

As for those delicious smoothies, we served the standard flavors: banana, strawberry, pineapple, coconut, peach and mango. And if you pressed me (or were super hot), I'd let you know about the hush-hush flavors of peanut butter, oreo or chocolate. The bartenders hated making those as they basically shat all over the blender.

Anyway, as was often the case, someone would get what they thought was a unique and potentially brilliant idea: what if we go ahead and combine all the flavors? I mean, sure one or two is probably enough, but being that I clearly hate myself, and you, naturally, I'm going to throw caution to the wind and cram as much good things together, ultimately making something horrible and unsatisfying. 

Between you and me, I hated just about every single minute of last fall's This is Where I Leave You. Rented by Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema this past weekend, this movie lands just north of those awful holiday movies that feature 900 celebrities all getting stuck in an elevator. But instead of cashing in on New Year's Eve or Valentine's Day, here the reason for the half-baked hilarity is the, get this, death of their father! Let the party begin!

I wasn't overly familiar with sitting shiva, but according to this movie, it's where a bunch of people who don't look at all related look irritated for a couple of minutes before they go do something hilarious! And while there might have been a decent family dramedy (is that something only assholes say?) tucked under that yarmulke, instead we are left with capable actors acting like idiots. It's like one of those new-school Adam Sandler movies for adults.

Look, I wasn't expecting brilliance, but I was, at the very least, looking for honesty. Unfortunately, anything even remotely bordering something an adult would do was nixed in favor of a moment that would play well in the preview.

I'm convinced that This is Where I Leave You would have been better served as the first three or four episodes in a television show. Maybe it could have been one of those random two-season shows buried deep on Netflix. One of those shows that my mom watches in a day and tells me about for weeks. Sure, you can only mourn for so long, so that angle might have been tough, but this movie isn't really about that anyway. It's about a slew of side stories mixed together to ultimately create an unholy concoction, which I found entirely undrinkable.

Speaking of something you shouldn't consume, with or without alcohol, here are the Yays and Boos. Keep an eye on those two, as I'm not sure they're really guests here.

I can't think of anything more romantic than freezing my balls off.
It might cool off the massive boner though.

Yaaay!

• Jason Bateman. No matter how bad things get, Bateman manages to still bring a certain level of credibility to everything. In smoothie terms? He's the chocolate, basically able to compliment anything (and you can never really have too much Bateman, you know?).
• Equally delicious, my imaginary wife Rose Byrne. Yes, everything about her character is awful, but did you see Neighbors? She could show up in This is Where I Still Leave You Last Summer and I would still adore her. That's kind of how I feel about strawberries, too.
• And finally, Timothy Olyphant. I have no idea why he even showed up in this one (or what the f--k was with his character's subplot), but I really enjoy seeing this guy in just about anything. I don't know what ingredient he'd be, but I do know that the juice is worth the squeeze.

Yep. It's the kind of movie where people go and sit on the roof. 

Boooo!

• Dax Shepard. I bet he's a nice guy in real life, but he is the worst part of an awful movie. His appearance two minutes in should have prompted an immediate disc ejection, but we pressed on regardless. He is the coconut. I f--king hate coconut.
• What the Hell was with the younger brother? First, he's a super dick, right? And kind of odd-looking, too. But, obviously, he's got a hot older woman (Connie Britton) who's not a f--king idiot. Does any of this make sense? Smoothie ingredient? Broken glass.
• Okay, I'm think I'm out of pointless analogies (thank God), but Tina Fey also manages to be quietly awful here, too. Her accent ranges from awful to would anybody miss me if I killed myself? Worse, her whole story is just so unbelievably terrible. Her husband might not even have a name, as he is simply Dickhead on a Phone throughout every precious minute of his time on screen. Consequently,  it appears her marriage is falling apart. Good thing she loves Olyphant, who's playing the guy across the street, Massive Head-wound Horry. But worse, dear reader? Worse? She has a kid who randomly shits anywhere. Kick that one around for a second. Want to punch something, yet? Well...hold on. One time? That little shit actually throws his shit. Because that's what kids do. In bad movies, at least.
• And finally, Jane Fonda, playing the mother of this awful brood. From her unrelenting openness to discuss all things sexual to her boobs that keep making an (implied!) appearance, I hope she made a lot of money for this role. I can't even type what happens at the end for her character, but let me tell you: It may have been the worst thing I have ever seen. It actually almost bested Mama [review] for the most mind-blowingly terrible ending in cinematic history. But as no one turned into a f--king moth, Mama can sleep peacefully. In Hell.

Trust me, there are a lot more things I could drone on and on about in terms of how much I hated this movie, but there is a lesson to be learned here. Sometimes, no matter how much fun it may be, it's best to not just list everything and hope it works. Whether you're ordering a smoothie, writing This is Where I Leave You, or.creating this post, short and sweet works, too.

And yes, I'm aware that this post was neither.