I knew you were gonna be a good guy.

I f--ked up my senior internship every possible way I could.

Initially, I turned down ESPN. Brilliant f--king move, that. Then, at the one I actually accepted (at a rock station), I allowed some desperate chick in Promotions, to steer me away from Production. Again, totally f--king genius, assuming you get IQ points for being a f--king moron. 

But, when I actually got on the job? Even worse. I did just about the stupidest f--king thing someone working for free could ever do: I kept my head down and always did what was asked of me.

And that's it. 

It's not like I'm a total failure as a human being however, as last Saturday night I took my mom to the movies (um, for the first time ever...I should[n't] mention) to see Nancy Meyers' latest, The Intern. And while we both agreed that it's a very charming movie, it appears that, a week later, there's one thing we will NEVER agree on...but more on that later.

As the cutesy trailer and the somewhat awkward poster make painfully clear, this is that kind of movie. Old people will do things in that old-fashioned, by the book, but lovable way! and young people will be too busy tits-deep in Apple products and social media to realize they're missing out on the finer things in life. If only they could somehow meet in the middle!

Honestly, the entire setup is somewhat ridiculous and many of the smaller details infinitely are too perfect for their own good, but damned if this wasn't a crowd-pleaser. If you can hate something starring an angelic-tempered Robert De Niro and an impossibly sexy Anne Hathaway then you's a hardcore motherf--ker. Me, I'm a bit of a pussy, so I actually had a pretty good time. Oh, and so did Momma Two Dollar Cinema. (Which is good...because she'd never let me hear the end of it otherwise.)

What's weird is I would totally make out with either of them.

De Niro plays Ben, a 70-year-old widower, who after attending yet another funeral, has decided to apply for a Brooklyn-based 'senior internship' program. For a second I thought the wording of the flyer was part of a larger zany misunderstanding, but luckily for the old woman behind me (whom I was likely to punch first), the actual intention was to indeed, hire seniors. Phew. Anyway, this company, an upstart clothing e-tailer, is run by Jules (the aforementioned Hathaway, rowr), a thirty-something clearly in over her pretty, little head.

When, surprising no one, Bob gets the gig, he is thrust back into office life. Well, Movie Office Life, where people ride bicycles indoors, are generally attractive, where dress codes are non-existent, and where there's a house masseuse going around loosening necks and stiffening dicks. Turns out that ol' Ben is to answer directly to the increasingly aloof Jules, who by all accounts wants nothing to with him. Her main complaint? He's too observant. Yeah, what a dick. Besides...she has real business to tend to, mainly hiring someone to run her company. Someone who gets her, someone that pays attention to the little things...someone like...oh I don't know...Jake LaMotta?

You can see where this is headed, or can you? While I thought Meyers was gracefully walking me down a path that looks like an outdoor shot from a Pottery Barn catalog, little did I know she was really taking me out behind the woodshed to stab me in the brain. Seriously. Where I thought that the cinematic dick-punch that was Mama [review] had the most jarring ending ever, it turns out there might be some magical moths circling The Intern, too. I was absolutely floored by the final thirty-seconds of this film. Was the Meyers, calling the shots, Nancy or f--king Michael?

Also clearly aware that like winter, Halloween is coming (and subsequent 'spooky posts'), are the Yays and Boos. Don't let the high amount of the latter scare you off, as it turns out I have a lot of complaints, you know, because I live, and work, in a little thing known as reality.

Look! They switched sides!

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Um, Robert De Niro. 
• And, well, Anne Hathaway. Of course.
• Formalities complete, put your hands together for blinking practice!
• Rene Russo. Not only is she pretty hot here (uh, in her sixties), but she actually gives her tiny role a proper level of respectability, in a role that may not have required any.
• Jules, as maddening (and pathetic?) as she can be, pulls some pretty awesome boss-moves. The call center thing was a bit much, but ordering her own shit as quality-control? This I liked.
• Davis, the doofy but lovable intern. I liked this guy's face. No, really I did. Especially when he walks in on a hundred and twenty years of blowjob.
• Okay, it was pretty stupid....and awesome...but there's an extended heist scene that killed our entire theater. I'm not going to lie, I was laughing my ass off.
• And when Adam DeVine's character almost ruins everything because he spitting ill rhymes in the getaway car? I laughed even harder.
• So...when I'm old? Totally going on a funeral date. That shit works!
• And finally, though word on the street (coughIMDbcommentsectioncoughcough) was that the scene was 'weird', I adored the hotel bedroom scene. No, not for some lowbrow reason, dick, but Hathaway really delivered for me. Finally, Jules became a person, a genuinely sad person, properly dealing with the shitstorm that is her life. It was very sweet and possibly my favorite moment in the film.

Someone asked him how long it is...
I told him not to tell...
(the movie people, the movie)

Boooooooooooo!

• Totally unrelated, but my dad always, always says extern. Is that even a thing? 
• Yo. That old lady kissed Father Bobby on the mouth. Staying away from the light or not, that shit ain't right.
• When I heard the line, "Dude, I'm on a bike," I almost left the theater.
• Man, the soundtrack is unrelenting canned joy. It's like the music they play at the end of every drug commercial. Like, whatever the soundtrack is for a functioning weiner, that's what we get. ALWAYS.
• So...there's an office junk desk. Not a drawer, which is stupid as f--k as it is, but an entire desk. Why? Well...so someone can clean it perfectly. I'll let you guess who.
• Jules leaves work 19 hours after everyone else does. Except Ben her 70-year-old intern. Does she say goodnight to him/the only person in the building? No. No she does not.
• Which reminds me, did you ever see The Devil Wears Prada? This is the same movie.
• If the theater screen ejected a nickel every time we get to see De Niro's Ben carefully observing, that ShitTown, PA would be home to a fairly solid group of New Money.
• You know how in some movies, there's a character that is routinely always doing the right thing? And everyone comes to rely on them being perfect? Well, generally, at the worst possible time (or maybe even on accident) they are bound to f--k up. Here? Not once. Ever. Ben is a flawless individual start to finish. Horrible, horrible finish.
• Well, except for one thing: He doesn't kill the worst character in any movie ever.
• Yes, as I've already mentioned - the ending. My mom was shockingly okay with it, but I was/am FURIOUS. Not only did it not turn out the way I expected (and felt was essentially guaranteed to us, the audience), but it's so insanely abrupt..it makes No Country For Old Men feel like Return of the King. No, no. Read it again...that makes sense. Right?
• And finally, Jules' husband, Matt. First, this guy just looks like he's lived his entire life checking his e-mail at Starbucks. Second, he turns away some sexy-time from his lovely wife, Jules. Criminal. But third, everything else about him. Including his groan-inducing Big Speech at the End. F--k this guy. F--k him right in the ear.

You know why I ended up turning down my internship at ESPN? Because I was told they treat you like an actual employee. Like, they worked you all kinds of hours and stuff, you know, gave you lots of real-world responsibilities. Bastards! 

Imagine putting all that time into something you don't even get paid for? 

That would be ridiculous.