Life? What life?

I don't even recall having HBO at the time, but somehow, I feel as if my older brother and I watched every single episode of Tales from the Crypt. While the ten-year-old version of m.brown was in it purely for the violence, I can imagine that my then sixteen-year-old brother was more likely in it for the titties. But before either of us got what we wanted, we each got what we needed: a minute or two with the Crypt Keeper.

When Bubbawheat (@bubbawheat) contacted me to participate in Channel: Superhero's 31 Days of Tales From the Crypt, I just about did a f--king backflip. Well, I'm old, so that loosely translates to standing up quickly...without sighing afterward. Anyway, the task was simple: revisit an episode from the classic series and post your thoughts. If only I could have called my older brother. And only if he knew how to use actually use a computer (for something other than porn).

According to the Internet, which didn't exist when 'For Cryin' Out Loud' originally aired, this twenty-seven minute romp was the eighth episode of the second season. Lee Arenberg stars as Marty Slash, a convict we meet walking the Green Mile. Slash isn't the least bit upset about this, as he is actually begging to be executed. After strapping himself in, ol' Sparky is fired up and Slash is sent to his maker. So...why's he smiling?

That number two almost made me number two.

Two years earlier, Slash was promoting a charity concert featuring the actual Iggy Pop (dressed like every mannequin in a Hot Topic outlet) performing a variety of songs that aren't Lust for Life. But mid gig, instead of jamming off-stage, Slash is upstairs taking the million dollars raised and getting the Hell out of Dodge. Or he would be, if Peg Bundy and her leather-clad cleavage weren't standing in the way. Yep, it seems his banker (the ageless Katey Sagal) sensed some shenanigans and came down to the club to take her cut. Leela, you bitch. So, Slash does what any constantly sweating scumbag would do: he kills her with a guitar and stuffs her in Donny Osmond's drum case. And that's when things take that patented Tales' turn.

Some guy working on our house pointed to a guitar in my room and said:
You swing that axe or just stare it?
I had no idea what the Hell he was talking about.

It wouldn't be a Tales from the Crpyt episode without a twist, and here the late, great Sam Kinison is the one to provide it. See, Marty Slash has been going to the doctor to take care of these weird muffled sounds in his ear, and it turns out that that noise is actually his conscience. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Yeah, you too would be begging for 2,000 volts if you were cursed with Kinison screaming in your ear every second of the day.

And once Slash starts down that awful path of thievery (then murder), that little voice is in his head won't shut the Hell up. And even though I'm thirty-six, and have seen all kinds of disgusting stuff in my day, I can honestly tell you that Slash's solution to rid himself of his inner monologue actually made me look away. *shudder* I wonder what if the ten-year-old version of me was such a pussy. Probably.

Overall, while there's an undeniable charm to revisiting a TV show from your youth, I'm not sure you youngsters out there would be that into this particular episode. For me? It was a welcome trip back to a simpler time. A time where boils and ghouls watched weird stuff on TV all night, instead of going online all night...and watching really, really weird stuff. 

And if you'd like to watch this episode, well...it's totally on YouTube. [insert Crypt Keeper cackle here] You've been warned.