I got the cure to el everything.

Sitting in the theater last Thursday night, I got to rub elbows with some die-hard comic book fans. Literally, mind you, as the f--king place was sold out and I had to sit next to another human being that wasn't my wife. Bullshit, right? Of course it was.

And while I'm there, alone in a sea of red and black, enjoying the final bits of a montage of dirty sex, another patron made that awkward shuffle in front of us, likely headed for the restroom. The guy two seats to my left, loudly whispers to his friend sitting next to me, he's probably going to go jerk off.

I did all I could not to crack the f--k up at that dude's comment.

Crude? Yes. Immature? Definitely. But also kind of hilarious. And perfectly timed, too.

All of which apply to the R-rated juggernaut currently tea-bagging movie-goers everywhere, director Tim Miller's debut feature, Deadpool. Starring that handsome Canadian devil Ryan Reynolds, the origin story of the merc with a mouth is killing it at box-offices world wide. Shit. Imagine if it was really good. 

Ryan Reynold's is f--king perfect playing Wade Wilson, the low-rent mercenary hired to shake down f--k ups. And after Wade finds out he has late-stage cancer and undergoes an experimental procedure, Reynold's is even better at the fourth-wall breaking Deadpool, Wade's alter-ego anti hero. Frankly, this is some top-shelf, pitch-perfect casting, that fanboys should (and did) cream their pants over. Myself included.

But outside of Reynolds (and the majority of the cast, to be fair), lots of profanity and violence, and a killer opening car chase, their isn't that much to Deadpool. Sure, that's the price we all pay for origin stories, but for f--k's sake, the baby geniuses that marketed this film made for damn sure that we knew Wade's story before we got there. They absolutely f--king nailed it. Which made sitting there and slogging through it again...kind of feel like being shot. In the butthole.


While I totally appreciate the middle finger that Deadpool exuberantly waves at the endless drove of serious comic book films that have come before it, never has 58 million dollars seemed so incredibly low-budget. Outside of a few fantastic bits, it all felt so...small. Yes, clearly I've (we've?) been spoiled by the polish that most Marvel movies are heavily-slathered in, but even if Deadpool kept pointing it out, the lack of funds was all too apparent.

He's about to call me a joyless, cock-gobbling asshat, I know it.

The minuscule budget can be overlooked however, but the story, and most importantly, the conflict cannot. And for me, the biggest offender in everyone's favorite movie ever has to be the main bad guy, A British Villain. See, Ajax, the aforementioned baddie, (through little fault of star Ed Skrein) is f--king terrible. I'm not even entirely sure what his ultimate plan is (or was), but I found it impossible to give a f--k about it. I'm all for Deadpool dancing around and verbally shitting on everyone, but while the jokes are the pulse of this flick, the dearth of meaningful action damn near buries it.

Hopefully this will be remedied in the already announced sequel. With a budget of eleventy-billion dollars.

Also low-budget, but the opposite of funny and charming, are the Yays and Boos. If we were in high school, this movie would have likely been the best thing in the history of time. But, if we were in high school, well, we wouldn't have been able to blog out our adoration. Yeah...back then connecting to the internet still sounded like two robotic birds f--king each other senseless...kind of kills the mood, you know?

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Literal Credits. Yeah, I was super-psyched that Overpaid Tool signed off on these.
• Motherf--king Juice Newton in the house! Holy shit is that the best worst song ever!
• I've already mentioned it, but that f--king highway chase/crash was dope as Hell.
• If I had to tattoo a scene from this movie on my ass and/or balls, I'm totally opting for a still of Colossus eating cereal. Oh, sorry if you were actually eating cereal when you read that, as that visual will likely make you put down your bowl. And pick up a gun.
• Negasonic Teenage Warhead? I don't even know what that is, but I love it. Her. I love her.
• Fat Gandalf.
• I love putting balls in holes, even if I'm not really that good at it. Way too obsessed with that tiny hole in the upper corner. Can you blame me? I mean...that shit's worth 100 points!
• So...Neil Sedaka's Calendar Girl is a fantastic song...even before you throw in the visual of a year worth of banging. Though...not all of that was a Yay...uh, exactly.
• Who throws a shoe? I don't know. But who throws a hubcap? Mr. NeverDie does. 
• Deadpool breaks his hands punching Colossus in the nuts. Like, that has happened. And I got to see it.
• McAvoy or Stuart? That might have been one of my favorite lines in the whole movie. Though Have fun at your midnight showing of Blade II is a close second.
• Even though it was a little derivative from a joke from the first Austin Powers flick, I liked the steamroller bit. 
• I'm not a big fan of clapping at the (movie) theater, but I was all smiles when Stan Lee's cameo made people put their hands together.
• Not gonna lie, I'd go see a Dopinder movie.
• Animated end credits? Fantastic. Almost as cool as the scene that came after them. Almost.
• And finally, the soundtrack. While many of the other choices were inspired, heavily featuring Shoop and X Gonna Give it to Ya are strokes of brilliance. Honestly, if you put DMX barking ill rhymes over footage of sleeping puppies, it would probably be in my personal top three of most badass things I've ever seen. Combining it with Deadpool killing bitches? Yep. Top two.

See this action shot? More of this, please.

Booooooooo!

• Two hobos f--king in a shoe filled with piss. Great line...awful visual.
• An Adventure Time watch? Weak. Now if it had been Regular Show, I probably would have touched myself.
• Speaking of...with a stuffed unicorn? I guess that's better than that creepy little baby hand. Eww.
• A nipple-free titty? Not cool. Especially considering...
• ...we get some dong footage. And not just like, happy dick, but like, in-peril dick! You probably shouldn't suplex anyone, but a naked guy? Party foul.
• Man, Hugh Jackman takes a couple of shots, doesn't he? [okay, fine...I kind of love this]
• Colossus, I feel you brother. See, I have a few regrets in my life, okay, a lot of them. But when I was in high school, I was...uh, horsing around with this completely gorgeous girl I had a thing for...and well, one of her [perfect] boobs, like, completely flew out of her tank top. Out of respect...or whatever, I totally looked away as she got her affairs in order. And I think at that moment...she lost all respect for me as a person.  She didn't punch me in the face or anything...at least not literally.
• Okay, where the Hell was the final battle? Do they really have an Aircraft Carrier Repair Center nearby? What the f--k was that place?
• And finally, what kind of really, really bummed me out? The fact that Deadpool's whole quest, the thing that's been keeping him from the love of his life...is...his...face? What the shit is this? For f--k's sake guys, even when Reynold's mug looks like Ted Cruz' ballsack, he's still more handsome than 75% of the population. This is the level of conflict I'd expect from an episode of The Facts of Life (ooh...Blair has a zit on prom night...or Natalie's bush is out of control [or something]), not a f--king hardcore super hero who, along with X, is gonna give it to ya.

I understand that this is the movie that Deadpool fans have been waiting for, and I hate to do anything other than praise it endlessly, but it's not like there's never been another hard-R rated comic book movie before. Did you ever see Punisher: War Zone [review]? It was way more violent than Deadpool. How about the first two Blade movies? They're f--king amazing, and each actually tells a fairly decent story (and has a pretty cool villain, if I remember correctly).

My point? As exciting as it is to see a bloddy, R-rated comic book movie full of naughty words and rake in the money...


...it's nothing to jerk off about.