It's very important that I have Watchers.

I've never been to a rooftop party. I stopped wearing a backpack in fifth grade. And I totally don't have a (possibly gay) friend from every ethnicity on the planet. Though that sounds lovely.

And the people I do know? None of them have fancy mustaches. Or impeccably groomed beards. So who the f--k am I supposed to hit up the food truck with? Who's going to drink all these craft beers with me and eat these mason jars full of honeysuckle flavored bacon. And even if I could find these people...and do all these things? What would I do with all the great pictures we would take, print them out?

Like, I'm not even on Facebook, for f--k's sake. Assuming that's still a thing...

Clearly, I'm not a f--king teenager, or even one of those mega-sized versions known as someone in their late-twenties, so it's safe to say Nerve wasn't exactly made for me. But, unlike the three high school girls sitting in front of us who took selfies during the previews (after some terror alert: red level of incident before that made them file out of the theater for thirty seconds), I stayed off my phone and watched the entire f--king movie. And you know what? Even if it's actually really shitty, it moves so f--king fast I didn't even notice.

Venus (Emma Roberts, all twenty-six years of her) is a 12th grade yearbook photographer stuck in the shadow of her friend Sydney, the head cheerleader at their Staten Island high school. Venus is probably a cool chick, but you'd never know it with Sydney literally flashing her sweet ass all over school. Turns out, ol' Syd isn't simply a giant slut, but instead a coveted player of the hottest underground game around, Nerve. Like many revolutionary cell phone games!, Nerve is simply an electronic rip-off of something that came out years prior. Here? It's truth or dare. Minus the truth. Because no one cares if you've ever looked at your butthole in the mirror, okay? Jesus.


Oh, shit. You actually clicked 'read more'? Well...f--k. I guess I gotta keep going, huh?

The only thing I ever wanted to do in a diner?
Re-enact that scene from Swingers.

Anyway, after a boy-related falling out, Venus decides to sign up for Nerve, not only to prove she ain't Sydney's little bitch, but as these flicks always go, also to make some cash for a struggling single mom back home. Initially the dares are pretty simple (kiss a guy for, like, your entire attention span), but quickly elevate to some life-or-death shit. Luckily Vee meets up with Ian, a mysterious guy who looks a lot like James Franco, and the two of them team up, together, to win the winner-take-all game of Nerve. Wait, what?

Look, asking questions is only going to lead to problems with Nerve, so why don't I dare you to read the Yays and Boos instead. The prize? Hold on let me check my pockets. I didn't find any money. But what I did find? You're totally welcome to it.

No offense, but Franco's tits are waaaay nicer.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Okay, the Nerve sign up video is 900% amazing, especially because it includes a three second loop of Chris Farley and Adam Sandler from that f--king brilliant Schmitt's Gay commercial.
• Dave Franco, solid in more than one way (dude), belts out a pretty sweet version of Roy Orbison's You Got It (potential soundtrack HOF candidate, by the way).
• Man, Platonic Friend Guy, who could have been just awful, kind of embraces the whole thing and f--king rules.
• I guess it's sort of a Boo, but f--k it, the whole entirety of New York, according to this movie, is equal parts Tron and a cell phone commercial. Stupid? Yes. But, beautiful? Also yes.
• Somewhat related, I dug the little different-colored overlays of where all the players were throughout the city. 
• Man, Hospital Guy gets one line...and nails it. 
• It's totally f--king ridiculous in every single way imaginable, but that motorcycle stunt was rad as f--k. Though, I don't know, maybe we hit the throttle a little faster, huh? I mean, I think I could run to sixty miles an hour faster. Regardless...still awesome.
• We Don't Need Another Hero, sure, but Sketchy Nerve Guy might just be mine.
• I've never been a fan of teenage girls fighting (mainly because it's my job to break it up), but the verbal battle these two bitches get into? I think I covered my mouth like oh damn more than once. Rowr!
• Uh, ladder dare? Awesome. Chuck not shutting the f--k up at the most crucial moment ever? Even better!
• Man, Fail/Bail montage was nuts! That subway jump still hurts my sternum.
• That final vote sequence was awesome. It was basically like our upcoming presidential election. You have two options: be a human being...or be total f--king asshole. I know, right? Get me a quarter. Heads!
• And finally, the initial ass flash for cash was sort of awkward, as my friend and I are both teachers...and those damn HS girls were right in front of us. Whatever. But what made it great? He immediately stepped out to go the bathroom after it happened. In my mind, he either held it until he thought he'd seen a good part...or something even more hysterical. Oh, and if those girls noticed and said something to each other? Priceless. #perv

Okay, kids. Two things:
Your life is never going to be like this, so f--k you.
Or,  your life is actually like this. Anddd...f--k you.

Boooooooooooooo!

• So...Vee gets an e-mail letting her know she got into the, you guessed it, fancy art school on the other side of the country. Sure, lack of originality...gets a Boo. But my real problem? In the e-mail it says 'click ACCEPT' to like, get accepted. Into college. Tell me that's not how it is. Please.
• In my day, Juliette Lewis was a young girl afraid of the big, bad wolf. Or a co-captain of a murderous twosome known as Mickey and Mallory. Now? Juliette Lewis is Disappointed Mom. F--k me I'm old.
• Okay, Sydney (a name I can't say without doing everything I can not to sound like the guys in Scream), you're a cool chick we get it. But, trust me...you're future ain't that bright. Lose the f--king shades.
• The comments section when Vee tries on that fancy dress was pretty sweet. The Boo? Yet again, even though I know better, I'm reading the comments section.
• I was like sooooo bored, that one time they went more than forty seconds without cranking up the kind of music a classy stripper works out to.
• That Wu-Tang shit was beyond laughable. Aww...Vee is in some really bad pain, huh? You know what will soothe her? Singing along to C.R.E.A.M. of course. Oh, f--k everything.
• Also, what the f--k was with Tattoo Guy? A strange bird if there ever one....
• Good thing when they finally got a break from all the intense dares...they were right next to an all-night, super romantic carousel. Honestly, it's totally fitting they ended up at something that spins in circles, because I instantly felt like vomiting all over my myself.
• Dave Franco's Ian, like, the Batman of their Nerve team, says this to Vee with a straight face: It's funny, you don't seem like anyone's side-kick. 
• At one point, someone is told to use a payphone. First, no one even knows what those are. And second, this is NYC, right? If you happen to find one, Kiefer Sutherland's voice is totally going to kill you.
• Unless I'm really, really f--king dumb (which is entirely possible), I think it was implied that final battle took place at an abandoned gladiator arena on Ellis Island. *pushes glasses back off of bridge of nose* Really, Nerve? Really?
• And while we're at it, are you telling me that all their phone screens showed the images backwards?
• Uh...this is a morality tale? Uh...why? It's about teenagers. It's not that they don't have morals...it's just they don't know what they are.
• And finally, the high school girl in front of us just had to let us know (me and Grunden were the only other two people in the theater): I'm not afraid to be obnoxious in public...it's part of who I am. Enjoy it now, sweetheart. But here's a tip. No one gives a f--k about you. Shut the Hell up when adults are around, okay? Oh, I'm sorry, was that rude? That's part of who I am.

You know what's strange? Is the fact that the more I write about all the things that are stupid about this movie...honestly, the more I like it. At least it wasn't a sequel...or a remake. And it really does move quickly.

It's like Run Lola Run fast...except without being really clever. Or German.

By the way, did you ever see that film? Probably not, huh? I mean...it came out in 1998. Back when the only game cool kids played on their cell phones was this:

And, truthfully, I played the shit out of that f--king game.

You didn't even have to dare me.