Ugh. My toothbrush stinks.

The shower? That's obvious. The bedroom, too.

Not sure if I'd put one in the pool, but I guess that makes sense. I'm just not sure if my love for bikinis trumps my general aversion to  extra shriveled wieners.

But the kitchen? Lame. The entryway? Who gives a damn? But where I'd never put a hidden camera?

The toilet.

I mean, that's just...shitty.

If you walked into someone's house and this poster framed...

After viewing the fairly awesome horror flick Sweet Home [review] the night before, I returned to the golden well of short-ass cinema by catching the extremely rad 13 Cameras. Written and directed by Victor Zarcoff, this creepy little flick was a helluva good time. Especially considering that moments before I pressed play, my wife and I were scouring the web...looking at new houses.

Claire and Ryan are a young couple with a child on the way. It appears as if Ryan's job has hastily taken them to the West Coast, and they need to find a home to rent quickly. Ryan will be working all hours as a big cog high up in some tech company, while (the exceedingly lovely) Claire will be home looking fine and getting ready for baby. Aww?

Not really.

See, the guy they've rented their nice-ass house from is a weird f--ker to say the least, and when we meet this creep he's grunting and stinking his way through the tour of the place. Momma Bear's instincts immediately think f--k this, but Ryan does that thing us guys so often do and says, Don't worry about it. Where a reasonable person would really consider what's going on, Ryan would rather end the home hunt as quickly as possible. I hear ya, Ry, I do.

But this f--king guy is sketchy as f--k. 

Perhaps obviously, the title of the film comes from the fact that their landlord, Gerald, has secretly installed thirteen cameras all over the house. And it ain't just for safety, or some altruistic reason, f--k to the no. See, ol' Gerry, when he's not beating his dick like it stole something (I guess he's got a thing for pregnant ladies) is obsessing over all the details of Claire and Ryan's unfortunately strained relationship. Like having a movie blog, it's a insanely creepy hobby, sure, but at least Gerald gets to see naked people, instead of just desperately hoping to.

There's a story in my family about some relatives renting a porno one evening...
...only to find their honeymoon night heavily featured (I never dug deeper...for obvious reasons).
This is Claire's version of that moment, without making it a Blockbuster Night.

Being that I'm incredibly out-of-touch and almost too old to function, it's not a surprise that I'd never heard of this movie until luckily/drunkenly stumbling onto it on Netflix. But you? You're hip. You're with it. Couldn't you have said something to grandpa? Outside of some dodgy 'acting' here and there, I had an absolute blast with 13 Cameras. It's a pretty simple story, but told in a very compelling manor. And, no lie, it's so f--king delightfully unsettling...I just might make my wife watch it. You know, just to see her face.

Speaking of making somebody feel uneasy and afraid, here are the Yays and Boos. It might get a little slippery down there with some spoilage (horribly phrased, I know), so proceed with caution, okay? Or, in other words, get the f--k out. Please.

It's not creepy if I stare at this still picture, right?
Not even if I've Photoshopped my head on Ryan's...
...and then tattooed the image on my scrotum.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Man, I don't know how much money Ryan's making, or how big his USB dongle is, but holy shit does he know how to get the ladies. Oh, about that...
• Welp, I feel like, extra bad saying this while watching this film, but the nudity is top shelf. *rubs hands together* Excell- *gets arrested*
• Um, Gerald...he's totally creepy, right? In the worst way. And he's also a dick...in the best way. This stinky a-hole comes by and goes for a swim, for f--k's sake! The balls on this guy!
• Paul, thank God, actually presents men as being not f--king terrible. Fine, maybe Paul's a bit of a jerkface, too (he doesn't exactly let Ryan have it), but at least he's a decent human being.
• He gives me the f--king creeps - Claire, not really mincing her words.
• Ryan's assistant, the lovely Hannah, loses her f--king mind at one point (actually, she loses it a lot...) and it's f--king fantastic.
• Even with the volume turned down to like, 8...I still f--king jumped out of my chair at one point. 
• Maybe I've got a thing for sexy pregnant ladies, too, but man, Claire's my f--king hero. At one point, she's all kinds of rattled, and she still tells Ryan to f--k off and die. Get it, girl.
• But don't exactly think Ryan's all bad, because when he finally mans up, it's absolutely stellar. If I wasn't less than enthusiastic about being axe-murdered, I'd totally be this badass more often. Okay, once. For the first time. Whatever...
• And finally, that last line. It'll probably have half of you throwing your remote through the television, but I laughed in spite of myself. That f--king guy, man. What a dick.

This is a still from 13 Cameras. Not of me watching 13 Cameras.

Boooooooooo!

• According to the opening bit, 30 million surveillance cameras are sold each year. And probably half of them have footage of me scratching my balls.
• Why do pregnant women think they look fat? I will never, ever understand this. 
• That moment your wife asks you to do something - NOW - despite it being the opposite of urgent, is perfectly captured. Claire wants a picture frame on the wall. And she ain't giving in. Again, why ladies? Why the rush?
• Uh, those are some pretty f--king gigantic hidden stairs, right?
• Okay, I almost shut it off when Gerald brushed his gnarly-ass teeth. With Claire's toothbrush.
• Pretty sure 'dog leash salesman' is a fairly sucky job on a typical day. But dealing with Gerald? Yeah, dude. You should probably just use your employee discount to buy a leash...and then go home and hang yourself with it.
• And speaking of (adorable) dogs, what the f--k, Baron? I like bacon cheeseburgers, too. But I'm not gonna sell out my family for one.
• I'd be pretty upset to a) find my landlord in my house b) dumping a bucket of piss and shit out and c) doing it in my kitchen sink. I'm weird that way.
• I almost vocalized the word LIAR on more than one occasion. Yes, m.brown, talking to the screen like an a-hole.
• And finally, I kid you not, but I think this film is home to quite possibly the creepiest moment in cinematic history. I shuddered so f--king hard, if my butthole hadn't been clenched so f--king tight, I'm assuming I would have literally shit in my pants. Dammit, it gives me the willies just thinking about it (I'm assuming this scene would have actually killed my wife).

I can't imagine I'd ever want to spend my life watching real people go about their lives, and cross my fingers that they'd fight, f--k, or whatever. Forget the invasion of privacy, that just sounds like a terrible way to spend all your time, you know? Obsessing about these people you've never met on a little monitor, while you sit in the dark touching your lap like an eighth-grader. Goodness. Get a f--king life, pal. Do something productive with your waking hours. Like...

...watching fictional people fight, f--k, or whatever.

*scratches beard* Huh. Honestly, I didn't see that coming.

(I should probably check the tape)