Your father will always protect you.

I have been a father for almost nine years.

And outside of the rad homemade cards from the kids (and the fact that I'm, quite literally, a motherf--ker), the best part about being a dad is I'm now qualified to give advice at anytime to new fathers. Even if they didn't ask for it. And even if I don't know what I'm talking about. For example...

Always park closest to 'cart return', even if it's a mile away from the entrance. You'll thank me on the way home.

Mom is outworking you - always. You might think because the kids are sleeping, she might actually let her guard down. She doesn't. She's just worrying less. 

But most importantly, when buying your kids toys, their enjoyment is secondary. I don't care how happy they were in the store when they saw it. Ask yourself, how will this feel to step on? How long will it take to put away? And if that toy emits any sounds...are they something that could potentially drive you insane?

Oh, and one last bit of advice?Ditch your kids and go see A Quiet Place in a crowded theater. Just don't bring my mom with you.

Set in a near-future where our planet has been ravaged by deadly monsters, the story centers around the everyday struggles of a singular family comprised of mom, dad and three kids. When the film opens, even a quick trip to (what's left of) town, is a life-and-death chess game of us. versus them. Apparently noise triggers these vicious creatures, and one false step, er, sound, will result in the grisly death of whoever made it. Simple? Sure. But effective, Hell yes.

This f--ker could easily be the most tense film I have ever seen in my entire movie-going life. Few films have sucked the air out of me as quickly John Krasinki's latest, but absolutely zero have ever sustained such breathlessness throughout their entire duration. If not for the emotional break that comes from wanting to straight-up murder the person sitting to my right (oddly enough, the woman who gave me life), I might have actually died during this one. Meaning? I absolutely f--king loved it.


I've caught wind that some of you f--kers out there didn't adore this movie, and I can only assume it's because you too are a childless monster from another planet hell-bent on destroying life on what's left of Earth. But instead of an irrational rage when you hear the slightest sound, you instead relentlessly stalk things that people enjoy, only to point out how stupid they are. That's fine. I'm sure, logically, some bits of this movie don't make any sense. But neither does being a parent. 

If you gave me the rest of my life, I can't think of a worse scary movie scenario. 
This shit is terrifying enough in a f--king hospital full of trained professionals.

Without getting anywhere near spoilers (though, the Hell is wrong with you...it's been over two weeks), all I want to say is I get it. Perhaps the biggest what the f--k? bit about this movie is potentially a decision the parents made months prior, that might have you scratching your head and/or balls. But this move? Oh, I totally f--king get it. You might be sitting there on your fancy motorized bicycle, muttering something along the lines of, what were they thinking would happen? And just like everybody in this movie, you should probably just shut the f--k up, you know? You can't question what they did. Ever.

Honestly, I'm just f--king with the naysayers (mostly), but I am surprised that there are people out there who didn't enjoy the shit out of this movie. For me, it absolutely came out of nowhere (which always intensifies my nerd boner) and combined with the legit fact that Jim from The Office is largely responsible, I was damn near giddy when I left the theater. I know, I tend to overreact when something is not shitty, but this film, for me, was nothing short of an experience. I don't know how it will play at home, but in the theater? A Quiet Place was a goddamn barnburner.

Not burning much of anything, except the occasional mule, are the Yays and Boos. My mom was going to get her own special category for this one, but out of respect, I'll honor/trash her with both finales. You know, because if there's anyone in this world that deserves the ol' passive aggressive treatment...

Blunt's actually looking off camera to my mom.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

• The cast is nothing short of amazing.
• And so is the silence. (You don't even know the thrill a middle-school teacher feels to be in a large room of quiet people [that isn't a funeral])
• Was it just me, or did they cut ALL sound on any isolated shot of the daughter? 
• But when there was noise? My heart nearly fell out of my ass.
• The waterfall. Aw.
• Remember when Marv in Home Alone stepped on that nail? Times that by infinity and you're close to what we get here. Oooooohhhh, shhhhhiiiiittt (that's what my face looked like during all of this). 
• On that note, there is a point, where quite frankly, it was just too f--king much. All of it. Like, what else can this lady (and her family) have to take on? And then you know what happened? More bad shit.
• (Not so) Fun fact: I hate fireworks. They bum me out tremendously. Hold on. I used to hate fireworks. Here, they brought me infinite joy. And momentary relief.
• In a very, very small way...I want another one. A sequel. Bring that shit to me, man. 
• Didn't think I would, but I dug the creature design, as ugly as those f--kers were.
• And finally, as promised, my mom. My wife was steadfast in her refusal to see this film, so I thought it might be fun to take my mom. Oh, she initially said 'no thanks', implying that hanging out with her son ranked lower than her fifteenth straight hour of CNN, but upon a little prodding she accepted the invitation. Aw, so nice...of me.

This is how I imagined I'd finally get my other quiet.

Boooooooooooo!

• Okay, I was pretty f--king shocked to see her stomach on day 472. That little wooden box terrified me.
• I hate when people dance happily in scary movies. Like, dance now, f--kers. We know it's coming.
• What the f--k was that old guy's problem? Dude, we get it - you're f--ked. How about we cut down on the collateral damage, Sea Captain?
• Where are they? Where are they? F--k. This is a question Dad always makes up the answer to. I mean, we know where they are. Well, where they were, anyway.
• And my hands were free. F--k me.
• Did I misunderstand those flame calls, or is the world totally f--ked at that point? Either way, it's bad news, right?
• Are you f--king kidding me with this whole grain silo scene? For f--k's sake, guys.
• Pops, you're taking an axe? I'm thinking pitchfork was where it was at.
• Okay, that final gesture was totally heartbreaking. But, if I'm going to be totally honest, I kind of smirked a little bit during it. He kind of sounded like Colossus in that old X-Men arcade game. Buuuuuuuuuurrrruh!
• I f--king hate the sound of humans, too, but good God, those f--king things are relentless. And they f--king swim, too?
• Speaking of, uh...did I miss why the massive flood started? I didn't really need an answer, but we probably could have been given one without much effort, you know?
• And finally, as also promised, my mom. My sixty-eight year old mother. I told her very clearly: you're going to have to be quiet. The first thing she shows me when we meet in the lobby? Her giant f--king bag of pistachios. Turns out rummaging through a plastic bag full of shells, cracking open a nut, and then f--king MUNCHING ON IT is anything but quiet. There was one point, I swear, she was sifting through the bag as if she was going to turn its contents into a f--king paste or something. I lost my f--king mind at one point. LET. IT. GO. I whispered like a total asshole. Her response? She just laughed. OUT LOUD.

Obviously, A Quiet Place is a film about family. It's not only about all the responsibility that comes with being a parent, but also about those moments when your children no longer need you. That ever changing dynamic is hard enough under normal circumstances, damn near impossible when everyone is doing their best to survive.

So my last bit of advice as a dad? Take care of mom. 

My mom.

Please.