Who bit your boner?

Gary Maynard was the second film professor I'd ever encountered. And maybe my favorite.

While he looked like the lead singer of The Verve, he moved and sounded like Professor Frink from The Simpsons.  When he would introduce a film, he would almost always describe one of the characters as milquetoast, which perhaps unsurprisingly, was the perfect noun to describe Professor Maynard.

Other students who took the class because Bro, all you do is watch movies made fun of him behind his back, but I f--king adored this dude. You just knew, he was living his dream. And when he casually turned our MC 270 - Techniques of the Cinema class into solely a study of film noir, you could tell it was for no other reason than it was his favorite genre. Quickly, I became a fan. Night of the Hunter was so good, and Double Indemnity was even better. Before long, I knew all the hallmarks of the genre.

Except, you know, f--king puppets.

And the award for Most Apt Title in the history of cinema goes to...

And you can emphasize that either way, frankly, when slogging your way through The Happytime Murders. Because not only is this film about actual f--king puppets, but also about puppets actually f--king. And quite vigorously, at that.

Ah, late summer - you vengeful bitch. Not only was the latter part of August the cruel reminder that I would soon have to go back to work, but it's was also where all the bad movies go to die. And with the clock ticking on time I still had to waste, foolishly, I took my wife to the f--king puppet movie.

Why? Well, I figured as absurd as the whole premise appeared, The Happytime Murders simply wouldn't exist unless the film weren't utterly f--king hysterical. Combining that (horribly misguided) logic with the fact that Melissa McCarthy playing a hard-ass cop in an R-rated comedy (not to mention she needed to atone for the shit-tastic Life of the Party [review]) and the laughs were seemingly guaran-f--king-teed. Yeah, about that.

Instead, the only thing guaranteed was a mostly unfunny tale of murder and revenge starring a grizzled ex-cop named Phil and his estranged human partner, Connie (McCarthy). Of course, their past is decidedly checkered with Phil having inadvertently shot an innocent puppet in a bust gone wrong. And on that fateful day, Connie took a hit and ended up with a, you guessed it, puppet vagina liver. No. Really.

At least someone is having a good time.

While there were a few laughs sprinkled throughout, The Happytime Murders instead plays it way too close to the felt vest. Outside of the fact that it's co-starring a f--king Muppet, it's a pretty straightforward throwback to the gritty detective flicks of long ago. And, sure, maybe that's the big joke, that we should all be taking this so seriously, but if that's the case, everyone involved with this movie can stuff their own f--king hands up their own f--king asses and open their mouths real wide as I take the longest piss ever.

Speaking of something that would leave a bad taste in your mouth, here are the Yays and Boos. As soon as we publish this sumbitch, we will officially be done with Summer 2018. And to celebrate? We'll start counting the days to Summer 2019 immediately (assuming I'm not dead by then).

It's okay, Ms. Banks. I still love you.

Yaaaaaaaay!

• You guys, my wife wore a dress to this one. Even if the movie was ugly, she looked amazing.
• This song has, once again, cemented its place in the soundtrack Hall of Fame. 
• Even if it reminded me of how I was currently feeling, watching puppet Phil stomp on some guys balls for entirely too long was true movie magic.
• Wow. Seeing puppets executed point-blank with a shotgun was oddly...amazing? Shit. Did I just realize something terrible about myself?
• Okay, McCarthy kicks a little bit of ass in this one, and I'm definitely here for it. The scene when they were playing cards was pretty f--king stupid...in the best possible way.
• So, uh...how do I put this? When a Daddy Muppet and a Mommy Muppet really love each other --- f--k it. Phil busts the biggest nut ever and I almost died from equal parts joy and terror. It. Won't. STOP. 
• Not gonna lie, I could watch puppets walk all f--king day. Honestly. It's kind of how I imagine the late (great) Mitch Hedberg looked when he was out for a stroll.
• And finally, as impressively weird/awful as this movie was, the brief glimpse into its creation we're provided with in the end credits kind of made me love the entire production, you know? Seriously, the effort and skill it takes to bring a f--king puppet to life is nothing short of incredible. It's a shame this idea of adult-oriented puppet flicks is likely dead as f--k, though.

Even at terrible strip clubs someone is topless.

Boooooooooo!

• In a world where we co-exists, everyone, like everyone, shits on puppets. Aw.
• I'm all for some weird sex gags (as in jokes...not...), but the whole eight-arm reach around/ cow-milking thing was just f--king bizarre, you know?
• Stanley from The Office is in this, and for a second, I was happy to see him. But then it kind of all sunk in a bit, and then I felt sad for him. 
• I'm pretty sure the Uber Driver lady is the same Uber Driver lady from another Melissa McCarthy movie I've seen. The crossover ain't the Boo, no. The fact that I might be a f--king Jedi when it comes to bad MM movies is.
• First this, then the Emmy bit that wouldn't end? Yeah, Maya Rudolph might want to pull a Gene Hackman, you know? Seems she's already done her Welcome to Mooseport. Twice. In one year.
• Even if he's a puppet, and you're mad at him, dick biting is such a party foul.
• I kind of can't unsee all the heavy puppet tongue. Seriously. It's been a month...and if I close my eyes...it's there. *shudder*
• Uh, what was with those weird ass inbred kids? Twas not a fan of those freaky little bastards.
• Oh, and speaking of weird things I wish I never saw, the Basic Instinct-style vag-shot was thoroughly not appreciated. *double shudder*
• And finally, I actually paid American currency to see this one. Turns out, I had just been informed, arbitrarily, that my once-beloved MoviePass unlimited membership was now severely limited and I would be paying for my next film. And since my wife still had her own membership at the time, this was the only movie she was able to see for free. Crazy Rich Asians? No f--king way. But Puppets jizzing in their own faces? Two tickets, please! We're on a DATE! 

As the end of the semester approached, Prof. Maynard opened the last film up to us. All he wanted, based on what he had shown us, was something contemporary, that could be considered film noir. Even better, would be if he hadn't seen it. Remember, this was probably Fall '99? Maybe Spring 2000? The kid in front of me raised his hand and suggested Dark City. 

Not bad, right? Overwhelming sense of dread and hopelessness? Check. Main character in over his head? Definitely. Someome or something considered milquetoast? Uhhh....maybe?  Puppets. Lots and lots of puppets?

Yeah, about that....