He didn't steal Christmas. He stole stuff.

I'l let you in on a little secret: I hate the Fourth of July. The fireworks are the main culprit (how are adults still impressed by this?) with a dash of the absurdity of celebrating the current United States in there too. Also, and this is a bitter teacher talking, because the day signals the beginning of the end. Of summer. The back-to-school sales will start soon, and the carefree nature of June has officially given way to the impending doom of August.

But all the other holidays? Nothing but love from me. Fine, Valentine's Day I could take or leave, and New Year's Eve ain't ever been my scene, but Halloween? Thanksgiving? I couldn't enjoy them more.

And Christmas? Goodness. I mean, everyone loves Christmas.

Even the Grinch.

Violet liked my idea of sprinting by the poster, instead of posing like a normal kid.

Yep, in The Grinch, brought to us by the good (but never truly great) folks at Illumination, even that salty green curmudgeon doesn't seem to outright loathe the holiday like he once did. Nah, this time, as voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, ol' Grinchy seems more generally irritated with Christmas versus his borderline psychotic let's burn this mutha to the ground stance seen in previous outings.


And that's not necessarily a bad thing, frankly, as there's no real reason this story needs to be any edgier that what Jim Carey and Ron Howard did with it back in 2000. Outdoing that, would probably make little kids lose their flippin' minds.

He's made fourteen million, six hundred and five cups of coffee. But he's only finished one.

While the Grinch's grinchiness is certainly dialed back this time, luckily the cheerfulness of Whoville is not. The adorable level of holiday insanity is cranked to eleven and I couldn't have been happier. While I totally could go the rest of my life never partaking in anything featuring that hairy, green bastard, I truly look forward to seeing this one again - just to marvel at the endlessly charming holiday insanity. Oh, and Max, too. Max is admirably adorable in this go round.

What isn't admirable, are the Yays and Boos for a Christmas movie we saw before Thanksgiving. Hey, Thanksgiving, I'm rooting for you, but we all know you're just holding the door for the fat guy in the red suit. And he's not even giving you the courtesy hand on the glass as he walks through.

Like, I love my dog, Dodger. But I might love Max more.

Yaaaaaaa...

...aaaaaay!

• Pharrell drops some killer narration. Almost like it's hot.
• The soundtrack, while rather familiar, was pretty clutch. Who knew that hip-hop would compliment the Grinch so well?
• Hopefully, this Christmas, the kids get me some Mold Spice Cologne.
• Speaking of holidays and children, how awesome was that emotional eating montage? I've been eating spaghetti the wrong way for years.
• Those overzealous carolers were brilliant. Side note: do people still do this? 
• That pickle maneuver at the grocery store was peak Grinch. 
• Mr. Bricklebaum, as voiced by Kenan Thompson, is perhaps shockingly, one of my favorite characters of all-time. I kid you not, dude is essentially the human (?) embodiment of happiness, and I loved every second this fuzzball appeared on screen. 
• Since I didn't see the Minion one, I can still say with confidence that the giant ornaments the people of Whoville adorn the town tree with are nothing short of exquisite.  
• As was the criminally underused holiday light maze. I don't care if it's irrelevant to the plot, can we just gaze at it for a couple of minutes? The kids won't mind.
• Wow, give it up for the Ginch's mad tailoring skills. For real, his heart may be three-sizes too small, but his edge stitching game is humongous. And yes, I Googled 'sewing terms'...shut up about it.
• There's a brief scene featuring the kids of Whoville trying to sleep on Christmas Eve that instantly brought me back to my childhood. Shoot, as an adult? All I want to do is go to bed.
• The heist, or whatever you want to call it, is top-shelf. At one point, after using some fairly rad criminal doohickery, the Grinch basically katamaris all of Whoville. I'm not sure how the King of All Cosmos feels, but I was impressed.
• And finally, the Grinch learns the error of his ways like that. And you know what? I'm more than okay with it. This entire flick is something like eighty-six minutes long, so why drag out the life lessons? Person: Christmas is kinda cool, Mr. Grinch. Grinch: You're right. CREDITS.

Eat it, Mr. Grinch.

Boooooooooooo!

• Wait - they have dogs in Whoville? I thought the Whos were, like, part dog? This is unacceptable.
• I'm not overly familiar with the original animated version, but, uh, is Cindy-Lou's mom a widow? A divorcee? Here, it's vague...and rather unnecessary...
• ...unless The Grinch becomes her father. Because I think that's the incredibly creepy implication, right?
• If I understood this right, The Grinch hates Christmas...because he's an orphan?? Shouldn't you be lashing out at the Whoville adoption agency and their endless bureaucracy, Mr. Grinch? Seems Christmas is the scapegoat for their broken foster care system, does it not?
• That Screaming Goat thing made me die a little bit every single time it appeared on screen. And the audience roared.
• Okay, eventually, I came around on him, but that fat reindeer the cheapest of cheap gags. 
• Aw, yeah. Christmas in Hollis is my jam. *record scratches* That's it? Ten seconds of the greatest holiday song ever? The Hell is going on around here?
• Oh, and speaking of, who thought that song in the end credits was a good call? They barely edit out the f-bomb that's totally part of the chorus. Guys. Guyssssssssss. We've got six rows of nothing but five year olds...and we're barely bleeping out four-letter words? Not cool.
• I did not need to see Groopert naked. My nightmares were perfectly terrifying as it was...
• Max is a good dog. A really good dog. I can't see how he goes along with all of these delightfully peppy home invasions.
• Thanks for coming to our holiday feast, Mr. Grinch. Aw, it's so nice that you wore a tie. Uh, still no pants though, huh?
• And finally, this movie is a thinly-veiled remake of Despicable Me. Seriously, paint Gru green and cover him in hair and you've got the Grinch. Add in the adorable children that he initially hated, the nefarious plan that he goes back on - it's all there. Even the soundtrack, while enjoyable, reeks of Illumination's earlier work. Who needs innovation, when they're basically printing their own money at this point?

You might be wondering, who writes about Christmas on Thanksgiving day? Or even better, who writes anything on Thanksgiving day? Shouldn't you be with your family eating plate after plate of pumpkin pie? Oh, how I wish that were the case, dear reader. But as much as the Grinch hates Christmas, that exactly how my ass stomach feels about food at the moment. Yeah, let me let you in on another secret: the speed at which I consumed Thanksgiving dinner, was only matched by the speed in which I subsequently destroyed my mother-in-law's bathroom.

And the men's room at the gas station...on my way home.

Imagine that? Being unable to keep anything down on Thanksgiving? Awful, right?

But still better than the Fourth of July.