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Tuesday, April 30, 2019

I'm a snake.

There's room at the top. Just not enough to sit down.

I'm not sure if my dad stole that line, but of all the advice he's ever given me - that's the bit that stuck. I was probably seventeen at the time, and even at peak I KNOW EVERYTHING, OLD MAN those words not only penetrated, but they actually made sense. You can make it - you just have to work hard. Always.

I wish I could tell you that in the two-plus decades since that conversation, I have proven his words true, but I think I'd be lying on both fronts. I'm not sure I've ever worked that hard, and the payoff...uh...I do okay? (He was talking about money, right?)

While I wish I had that type-A fire, I simply don't and likely never will. Honestly, I'm about as relaxed a guy as you'd ever meet. Not like, Dude-level, but pretty close. Never too high, never too low. Hell, I rarely get upset about anything...

...even shit that's entirely stupid and unfair.

Oh, Laggies, how you've put my in an uncomfortable spot. Typically I'm okay with young people trying to figure it out (though my thoughts here might suggest otherwise), and generally speaking I love Keira Knightley doing just about anything, but good God, f--k all this noise. My dad told me I couldn't sit at the top, fine, but I didn't know it was because there's all these a-holes just laying the f--k around.

Foolishly stripped of her accent, Knightley plays Megan, a woman in her late twenties still hanging out, playing Nintendo. Her (awful) friends have grown up (represented here by being married and/or pregnant [lame]) and seems like ol' Meg should probably follow suit. But even with a shockingly supportive boyfriend (of the high-school sweetheart variety, naturally), she can't seem to find any footing whatsoever in adulthood. So, she concocts a plan (plan might be overstating it, more like if bracing yourself before going through a windshield could be considered planning) to turn her life around: she volunteers at a local orphanage and teaches parent-less children how to express themselves through cooking.

Oh, wait - sometimes my notes are hard to read. *adjusts imaginary glasses* My mistake, she actually just DISAPPEARS FROM SOCIETY AND MOVES IN WITH A HIGH SCHOOL GIRL SHE MET A F--KING GROCERY STORE.


Truthfully, Megan isn't a bad person, but what obviously drove me out of my skull is how no matter the size of the f--k-up, she just keeps...winning. And not even by design! She does something no adult should ever do, it blows up in her face, and one furrowed brow and bit lip later it's raining Skittles on a basket full of puppies. Pretty sure if I got caught driving drunk with a car full of high school kids the only thing raining down on me would be urine from my cellmate's bunk.

Mark Webber needs to man the f--k up.
Anyway, while repeated good fortune shouldn't necessarily be a punishable offense, I'm finding myself increasingly irritated with these new-school coming-of-age stories. Fine, it's not like I toiled away in a factory for years on my good leg, but for f--k's sake, people - can't we at least break a sweat? Sure, Megan's dad has enabled her for years - but what's her real excuse? She never fit in? Here's a tip, sweetheart, most of us don't. The sooner you learn that the better, as most adults are f--king weirdos. Take it from a guy who literally just typed that on his movie blog.

Speaking of things I've also reluctantly typed, maybe we should have a secret sleepover with the Yays and Boos. I'll warm some water, you bring the Sharpies.

It's pretty much impossible to hate Knightley in anything.
Even a kitchen.
Yaaaaaaaaaay!
  • Even if she's uptight and borderline awful, I'll take Ellie Kemper any way I can get her.
  • Same for Mark Webber, though here he's making Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.
  • Okay, I kind of wanted to hate it, but screw it. That was a helluva first dance.
  • As someone who has been in an inner-city classroom for over a decade, I've come across some wild names. But Jupiter...with two Ps? Top shelf lunacy, right there (I'm still giving the gold to the girl who had three apostrophes in her name [including two that surrounded an L]).
  • I think anyone who tries to pay their bar tab with a Blockbuster card should basically get drinks on the house. Forever.
  • For a cheating a-hole, I kind of liked Megan's dad, you know? He's a giant f--k up, who has basically created another giant f--k up...but he's also pretty chill. I mean, my dad is kind of cool, but I'm not sure he's pick you up at jail cool.
  • I'm not sure if it was a prom dress or a wedding dress, but regardless, I was a fan. I think my lap is bending like Beckham.
  • As much as I have been dunking on Megan, I will give her infinite respect for taking the blame during the car crash. That took some stones, you know? 
  • You guys, Junior's prom date is totally gonna shoot someone in Laggies 2: Hunting Season.
  • And finally, thank all that is holy for Sam f--king Rockwell showing up in this one. Not only does Mr. Rockwell own in everything ever, but his turn as Cool Dad damn near saved this entire endeavor. Even though I wish he'd tossed Megan out into the street upon discovering her ruse, I respect the fact that he instantly peppered her with what we were all thinking. Why are you here? Why are you hanging out with my kid? Where did your beautiful accent go? (okay, that last one was me). Anyway, at the very least, this dude seemed to be familiar with the concept of adulthood, so that's a plus.
I'm not even getting in the car, but I'm still calling shotgun.
Boooooooooooo!
  • Even if would have made zero sense, you gotta keep the accent. You just have to.
  • While she symbolically ripped his dick off by pulling him up from proposing, I think graphically portraying an actual severed penis would have been less cringe-worthy.
  • F--k this plan, man. I'd rather lay low under moving traffic than hang out with high school kids for more than twenty consecutive minutes. Yeah, some of them are actually pretty f--king cool, but Hit-Girl and her crew? Uh, not so much.
  • What the f--k, that the nicest Grocery Outlet ever. Ours looks like the place you'd drive to blindfolded to by parrots.
  • Sam, you're my man and all, but how the f--k you gonna let this grown woman move into your guest room and your life? You're divorced, sure. But this ain't it.
  • I'm not sure I can overstate how unrelentingly terrible the scene with the turtle is. But trust me, you'd be better off sticking something adorable and quirky in your eyes instead. Honestly, whoever said we should leave that in! needs to have both Leonardo and Donatello beat them into a coma.
  • The only thing worse than actually dropping out of society to hang with some high school kids is telling everyone you're at career camp instead. 
  • Goodness, Bad Mom. How about we hand out the thongs after the rekindling, maybe not during?
  • Being that I run in some pretty fancy circles, this alleged romantic gesture that Sam Rockwell pulls off had been shared my way on more than one occasion. And between you and me, that shit was terrifying. Unless you're a pepper spray salesman looking to meet your quarterly, I'd bury that video as soon as possible. Guh-ross.
  • Still not sure about Misty, honestly. Cool chick...or total d-hole? Thoughts?
  • Just so we're clear, Megan might just be the least likable protagonist in the history of modern cinema. That shit at the airport was cold as f--k. At least turn him loose before you're at the gate. No way he's getting that ticket refunded that late in the game.
  • And finally, we were supposed to be happy with this ending? Because (clearly) I sure wasn't. Megan has basically destroyed the lives of just about everyone she meets...and it all works out in the end? The f--k is this? Was I supposed to clap when Thanos got his farm, too? She was a selfish f--king monster who shattered countless lives on the way to living her dream. F--k her.

Today in class, after two hours of state testing, a group of my students asked me how old I was. When I told them thirty-nine, they all snickered together in one of those huddles only middle-school girls would be comfortable in. We thought you were much older, Mr. Brown. 

And when one of them implied that I wore a wedding ring for no reason (we all know you're really single [this girl is funny, so I almost encourage this nonsense]), all I could manage for a comeback was, yeah, well at least I passed sixth grade.

But then I thought about it for a second. Grades don't matter. State tests? Totally irrelevant. Who needs to sit or stand at the top? I heard they don't even get good coverage up there. And besides, no matter how terrible of a person you are...it'll all work out in the end.


(trust me)

8 comments:

  1. You bring up a lot of the reasons I had issues with this film. I couldn't get behind Megan. She IS kind of the worst, and I felt bad for Mark Webber's character. I liked it over all, but I didn't like anyone *in* it, really. They all made so many questionable decisions.

    Great review!

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    1. I'm probably/totally being too hard on it, I get it, but I also just had no love for her. She isn't a bad person, but my goodness, am I supposed to feel bad for her?

      Hahaha...yeah, I didn't really like anyone in it, as everyone seemed like a whatever they were was dialed up to 11. Overbearing best friend? Crank that shit up. Sympathetic Dad? HELL YES. Puppy Dog boyfriend? The puppiest dog ever.

      Thank you, Brittani.

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  2. You really hated this one. Even the yays sound like boos.

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    1. Hahaha...yeah, I was unusually fired up after this one.

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  3. Honestly, I hardly wanted to read this because I love this film. But here I go.. defending it like it would matter. But who knows, maybe it will work out in the end...

    I agree with you that Megan is a bit of a mess, and she's a bad person in many ways. What doesn't really work well for her here is the fact that her character isn't fully developed, she's missing a few pieces. For me, since I connect with her a lot, the pieces are there without having them shown to me. I get her frustration with others around her moving on, finding their place. I get her frustration of having somebody, who seems literally perfect, trying to spend his entire life with you. As somebody who connects a lot with younger people, literally, I fangirl over a show with somebody 10 years younger than me, I don't see a problem with her connecting with high school kids. She feels at home with them because she's not fully accepted the responsibility that comes with being an adult. And yes, we all struggle with that, I'm well aware of the fact that I'm not the only one, but for Megan, she doesn't have weird people like us. She has those who marry and have kids and seem to follow the society's "norms".
    The airport scene is a good example on how she's still a kid inside. She doesn't think like an adult, she thinks like an emotionally unstable teenager. And frankly, she runs from somebody not because she thinks it's wrong for her, she runs because she's fcking scared. I'm sure if Moretz and Rockwell hadn't shown up, she would have eventually given in and gone back to him, but she instead fell into another route that literally pushed her to grow up.

    Unlikable characters are so hard to put on screen because they either fall into the hate category, or they just fall flat. Laggies did the best it could and succeeded where many others have failed. You fault the movie because the connection with the main character isn't there, and her reliability as an adult is a question mark, I say to that, "yay, you're most likely more of an adult than me". And it's not a bad thing. It's the difference between us that makes us view this film differently. Body parts aside, I'm pretty sure you're more capable of adulting than me, trust me. :D


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  4. Wow. Let me take this slowly, so that I can possibly give you a response worthy of what you've written here. *deep breath*

    I'm okay with her being lost, okay with her identifying and feeling belonging with HS kids. And I think you're right, pieces must be missing. The problem, as you alluded, is that I don't think we know why this is. Why she's so lost. There doesn't seem to be a reason, you know? And I get it...you filled them in, but even as a person who doesn't want EVERYTHING spelled out for them (uh, me), what we're left with her doesn't do the character any favors.

    Do you think she matured? Do you think she grew up? I think sticking up for the kids was a step in the right direction, but the fact that she was riding with them in the first place sort of negates that whole thing, you know?

    You make a good point about unlikable characters. I guess I never really considered that was kind of what they were going for. The thing is, I wanted to root for her, and she hardly ever gave me a reason why. So I found myself not being a fan...add that everything keeps working out for her. Yikes. That's frustrating at best...infuriating at worst.

    Hahaha....I'm not an example of an adult at all, trust me. I, like you, do the best with what I have. And having kids make you grow up whether you want to our not, so most adulating I've done is by default.

    Great comment!!!!

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