We are rejects.

I'd like to introduce you to the newest member of the Two Dollar Cinema review team, v. brown. 

Pitbull and Wanda Sykes? Is this some sort of dare?

While she's been to a couple of movies without me, our viewing of STX Entertainment's UglyDolls marked our first trip to the theater without any one else. I passed on a second date with Avengers: Endgame, so that I could take her to this brightly-colored, pop-song induced nightmare. On the car ride on the way, I recall her saying that she was sooo excited to go with just me. Aw. Seriously, I almost had to pull over it was so adorable. But as I gathered myself (and likely ran a red light) I realized something: even at almost six years old, she was playing me. And I was all for it. 

What follows is a recent conversation we had about the film in our kitchen, minutes before dashing out to her swimming class (almost a month after seeing the film, no less). Even though this reeks of poor parenting, she was very excited to be lending her opinions to this website. Which, let's be honest, is basically a first around here.

Maybe this will be the post that she references as the genesis for her successful career as a writer, or maybe this post will be what she references when she tells the judge she'd rather live with her mother. Either way, it sounds like the beginning of something magical.

Was this the first movie we ever saw together?

Yeah. But it wasn’t the first movie I saw with just an adult. I’ve sometimes gone with mom.

What was the movie about?

I have no idea.

Did you like it?

Um, yeah.

But you don’t know what it’s about?

I know what it’s about, but I just don’t know how to explain it.

It was about Ugly Dolls, right? And how they wanted to be like other dolls…

Oh, yeah. It was about ugly dolls that wanted to be like other dolls.

I just said that.

*laughs*

Who was your favorite character?

Um…Lou.

Who’s Lou?

The guy that got thrown in the washer. Remember?

No. Not really.

Do you remember any of the songs. It had a lot of songs, didn't it? (like waaay too many)

Oh, gosh. I think the only thing that would help me is if I could see it one more time.

How long ago did we see it?

We saw it like, in, like, May…I think. May or June? I have no idea.

Do you remember the score you gave it?

Yes. A ten.

That’s not true. You gave it a two.

Which is good.

A two is good?

Yes. And a ten is very bad. *laughs* And I do remember a song actually.

Do you want to sing it?

NO! It’s called Today’s the Day or something. When the pink girl sings in the morning, and marks it off on her calendar or something. She just starts singing. Can I have a fig bar, please?

Not yet. Do you remember why she was marking things off of her calendar?

Because it could be the day that she gets to be with a kid.

Like a doll wants to?

Yeah.

Was this your favorite movie of all time?

Um, I mean, it was not the best movie I’ve ever seen, but it was pretty good.

What is the best movie you’ve ever seen?

Spider-Man. [I think she's talking about Spider-Verse]

Really?

Yeah. Because it’s like…just…really cool. And my favorite superhero is Spider-Man.

What would you rate Spider-Man?

A two. *leans forward and whispers* Which is very good.

Have you ever seen a movie that’s a one?

Um, yes!

Do you know the name of it?

Yes.

Will you tell me the name of it?

Yes. It is Ant-Man.

The first one or the second one?

The one that I saw with [uncle] Bryan. The one that I almost fell asleep in. *sings* I was about to doze off to dreamland.

I think this is a good place to stop. Do you ever want to review another movie on Dad’s website?

Yes.

Why?

Because it’s really fun.

Do you think anyone will ever read this?

Yes.

Who?

No idea.

Do you want that fig bar now?

Yeah.

She's all smiles till I call her Ms. Beauregarde.

As you can see, rambling, nonsensical movie reviews, like webbed toes, can be passed down from father to child. My daughter's review (loosely defined, sure) is probably more coherent than anything I could have come up with, even though this is probably the fewest words she's ever said about anything (do little girls ever stop talking?). Maybe I should have asked her days after seeing UglyDolls, rather than weeks...or maybe I should have given her that fig bar before we got started.

While my kids are partially responsible for my lack of watching (and posting about) movies, they know that I will take them to see, as clearly evidenced here, just about anything. I occasionally hesitate, because I know I won't want to post about it after the fact. But if I can get them involved? Well, maybe they can just write the reviews for me.

With. I mean with me.

(Better load up on the fig bars now...)