Keep your tits dry.

The only thing more unlikely than me surviving a zombie apocalypse is getting my wife to see a movie about the zombie apocalypse. First.

Yes, friends, like Bigfoot riding a unicorn on stage at a Rage Against the Machine show, the impossible it turns out, is quite possible. My wife and I, together...but also alone...saw not one, but two movies back-to-back...

...in the theater...

AND SHE STAYED AWAKE THE ENTIRE TIME.

Not that anyone could (or should) comfortably get some shut-eye during Zombieland: Double Tap, but holy shit are audiences sleeping on this kickass sequel. Up first in our double-dip was Ruben Fleischer's follow-up to his debut feature, 2009's Zombieland, and it turns out exploding zombie heads are the
perfect way to kick off the evening. I don't how (or why) they got the band back together, but holy shit, am I glad
they did.

Ten years later, thanks to the Columbus' rules -not to mention a keen zombie classification system- our
fearsome foursome is alive and well. In fact, after a brief re-introduction, we find our crew living a pretty comfortable life in, of all places, the White House. Well, at least the guys are comfortable.

Little Rock/Miss Sunshine (Abigail Breslin) is feeling a bit stifled by Tallahassee (Woody!), who over the
years has morphed into something resembling a father figure. She needs less fake dad,  more real boyfriend. And Wichita (Stone, lovely as ever) can relate, as Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) half-heartedly proposes to her, because...it makes sense. The girls collectively think F--k This, and are gone the next day.



Like other newly-pathetic men, Columbus and Tallahassee end up in an abandoned shopping mall,
where between gathering supplies and killing the occasional member of the undead (if that's possible), they run into Madison, an impressively bubbly blonde who has survived the apocalypse by hiding in a goddamned freezer.

The rest of the movie is great (and lots of fun), sure, but can we talk about Zoey Deutch's Madison for a second/forever? I've read some shit about her character being the downfall of the second flick, but anyone subscribing to that theory is a terrible, terrible person and probably should go check on that noise.

Anybody else hearing Dream Weaver right now? Just me?

See, everything about Madison is the best. We could probably stop just at how adorable she is, but good God, her attitude, her look, and that voice? I. Loved. It. All. So much so, I might even have to lie down for a minute. In an ice cream truck.

Now that the blood is back in my brain, let's check in on those shiftless, undead f--kers known as the Yays and Boos. Any chance we get another one in 2029? Because I'll get in line now if I need to. Hell, we can wait twenty years, maybe I can get a senior ticket...

Probably not a lot of potential for Zombie Kill of the Year.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• If at all possible, all films need to incorporate the opening logo with some component of the film (here, the Columbia Lady kicks some zombie ass!)
• Aw, a Homer. 
• It's sooooo violent, I love it!
• Maybe I'll lose some credibility here (just kidding, you can't lose what you don't have), but I've never been a big Metallica fan. That said, no better song exists to kill zombies to than Master of Puppets.
• Post-acropolis? Well, technically she's right...right?
• There are at least three incredible action sequences that perfectly balance action and comedy (and gratuitous violence). First, the scene atop the Winnebago. F--king loved that. Second, the two-on-two fight later in the film, which may or may not have been in one epic shot. And finally, the insane finale. It actually might have been overkill at that point, but isn't anything featuring a monster truck?
• My mom had this car! (I snorted)
• Like, I love Woody Harrelson, loooove Woody Harrelson, so anything he's in I'd recommend it sight unseen. But to see Woody in Graceland? Or to hear him tell an actual story about Elvis (I'm pretty sure that one bit about high school is a legit fact for young Woodrow)? You can damn near feel the fun he's having.
• Let's kick some dick. Maybe not as catchy as Nut up or shut up, but maybe a close second?
• And finally, outside of the aforementioned Madison, there's something else that fills me with absolute joy whenever I think back to it. I won't mention it, even though the rest of the world probably already knows, but two dudes show up out of nowhere and set the f--king screen on fire. Everything about their interaction with one another and/or their dealings with Tallahassee and Columbus is pure cinematic excellence.

If only they had executed a zombie Paul Blart.
Or, honestly, regular Paul Blart would've done fine, too.

Booooooo!

• A first edition Lord of the Rings...that's been written in. (Eisenberg was born to deliver this exact line)
• F--king Berkley and his original songs...
• As a sometime teacher of verbs, to Murray is appreciated...but regretfully so.
• Rosario Dawson, somehow, keeps getting sexier. How is this even possible? I'm assuming goat blood was needed to secure this.
• Melting guns? Nothing foreshadow-y about that!
• My wife loves Al Roker. But hates vomit. Double Tap really put her in a tough spot, you know?
• And finally, me. And frankly, you. I almost missed this one. Like, it was really, really close to leaving the theater, and I kind of lucked into catching it a few days before it left. Unacceptable!

You know, a marriage is a lot like a zombie apocalypse. No, not just in the unrelenting hopelessness, but also the idea that you gotta follow the rules...even if (/especially when) they are unwritten.

For marriage, there's Rule #77. Thousand. If you take your wife to a horror movie, you then always follow it up with something romantic. Immediately.
That rule is sandwiched between Always Close (Cabinet) Doors and When Possible, Double Tap (That Aaa---)

Sssoooo what did we see next? Here's a hint: This year, I'll give it to someone special.