The guy practically lives in a Clue board.

There are a lot of things that suck about being a teacher. Like, a ton. But depending on the day (of course), one of the worst things that can happen is some seemingly stupid kid handing in something brilliant.

They've sat there for the entire marking period, making fart noises or playing that damn tapping game on their iPad (the goal is to tap the screen...that's it), and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they just absolutely destroy an assignment. A carefully thought-out response that includes relevant evidence and maybe even a dash of dare I say...style? It's as beautiful as it is maddening.

I mean, if this is what you're capable of, what the Hell were you thinking before?

My wife and I actually managed to see an early-screening of Rian Johnson's Knives Out, hoping to avoid any spoilers before it hit everywhere, and in that sense - mission accomplished. The secondary objective of the sneak peak was that I'd get this published before it hit all the screens, but that's a negative, Ghost Rider. But, trust me, that was the only negative.

Maybe it was the buzz of being early, or maybe it's just that this movie is really f--king cool, but I don't think I could have enjoyed Knives Out any more than I did. Quick, clever and just so much fun, this whodunit is easily one of my favorite films of 2019. But it also makes me furious, but more on that in a bit.

In a setting fit for one of his murder mysteries, legendary writer Harlan Thrombey gathers his massive family at his home to celebrate his 85th birthday. Unfortunately (depending on who you ask, of course), ol' Harlan doesn't make it to the next morning, as sometime during the evening, the old man is murdered. Almost immediately, a private investigator named Benoit Blanc shows up to solve the mystery, which is good news, though it might help if anyone knew who hired Blanc in the first place.

Systematically (and hilariously), Blanc makes his way through the suspects, as each of Harlan's children seemingly had something to gain from bumping off the old man. If it was as easy as choosing between A, B or C, the film wouldn't be any/as fun, but luckily the truth unravels spectacularly, and leads to a real crowd-pleasing (if not a bit convoluted) finale.

The only one I never suspected was the dog.

Even if the script wasn't utterly fantastic (which holy shit, it is), the performances alone would make Knives Out a must see. We could argue all day as to who's the MVP here, but it's abundantly clear that everyone involved is having an amazing time, and we'd be wasting ours discussing it any further (it's Chris Evans or Daniel Craig for f--k's sake).

Also wasting time, are the Yays and Boos for Knives Out. Leaving the theater, I was convinced I was going to see this film again - damn near immediately, but that plan was found mysteriously dead in the attic. And to decipher my notes from the first viewing, well, we might need to get Leghorn, Foghorn Leghorn on the phone.

I can't think of a performance that made me happier.
Fine, I can't think, at all, but still. Craig's fantastic.

Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

• As soon as my wife saw Judy Gemstone, er, Edi Patterson, Knives Out was getting her endorsement.
• It doesn't get much better than Michael Shannon, uh, doing anything, but I totally dug him as Walt, the hyper-defensive/supremely insecure eldest son.
• Though, let's be honest, Toni Collette is f--king incredible here, too. Joni's annoying Californian style is hilariously realized and thankfully doesn't have Collette sawing her own head off with piano wire.
• Is there anything better than how Harlan handles...it? I hope I'm that intrigued when I find out.
• Just like every other movie jerk in the theater, I got a bit of a nerd boner at that Ring reference. (I won't even tell you what happened after that Baby Driver nod [gross])
• The fact that everyone in the family seems to pretty much loathe everyone else is just the best f--king thing ever, sure, but my God, the treatment of Walt's son, Jacob (Jaeden Martell from It) was incredible. I'm not sure who says it, but the mention of Jacob joylessly masturbating to pictures of dead deer (and his subsequent non-reaction to this statement) made me cry tears of dysfunctional-family bliss.
• Pretty sure I stopped breathing during Blanc's donut within a donut breakdown, I was smiling so hard. (is there anything better than Craig's accent here? No. No there is not.)
• That damn ----- knife!
• I don't drink coffee, ever, and I know that Christmas just passed, but, uh, feel free to buy me that mug, you know?
• Nice try Joseph Gordon Levitt. I saw you throw that nod.
• And finally, I know I've already said this (poorly) like ten times, but there has to be something said for a movie that's just f--king fun, right? I was stoked walking into Knives Out and I left the theater even happier. I always enjoy going to the movies, sure (though Uncut Gems was not fun by any stretch), but this f--ker made me, like, cheerful.

That looks just like my house, actually.
The bushes part.

Booooooooo!

• Ooooh, early access? I'll get to post my review before any one else *presses Publish as film is released on VHS*
• I can't I believe I discounted Great Nana. Dick move!
• Even though she's too lovely to really do anything wrong, casually destroying the footprints seems beneath you, Marta.
• So. You decided to be a  handsome prick. Initially, this guy was my favorite member of the family, but all of his assistance really was only to help himself. That's very un-American of you, Ransom. Or well, totally American. Either way.
• I probably/definitely have to see it again, but there's no way in Hell she loses the cops in that -high-speed' chase. No, sir. I reject this entirely.
• I feel like the all the vomitus, while hilarious, would have been impossible to hide. Like, even if you manage to get it into a Big Gulp cup, it's still f--king stinks to Hell and uh, the jig would have been up.
• What the Hell was with the spider crawling along her face? That's sooooo gross and uncalled for. 
• When it ended, there was only a smattering of applause. Yes, I hate when people clap at the movies, but guys, if we're going to be idiots and clap at a screen, let's f--king go all out, shall we?
• And finally, though recent events have made me soften my disdain toward The Last Jedi (coughTheRiseofSkywalkercoughcough), the endless wit and overwhelming good time that was Knives Out made me want to honestly throw up in the face of Rian Johnson. Dude, Knives Out has more going for it in any thirty-second stretch than the entirety of The Last Jedi (outside of the still legendary butchering of Snoke and his guards, that is). How is this possible? Clearly, Johnson is a f--king genius, so how I can reconcile the fact that these two films came from the same person? Oh, I know...I can't.

When I started to write this, I was actually in a room full of children, so it was easy to complain about what sucks about being a teacher. But now? Now that I'm finishing? I'm on Holiday Break and haven't seen a student in over a week.

So what currently sucks about being a teacher? Not much.

All the kids are awesome right now. Even the wildly inconsistent ones.