Nothing gets a guy's attention like violence.

You probably shouldn't get mad, like, genuinely upset over a film you have no financial stake in (and if you think the cost of your admission counts, you need to re-evaluate every aspect of your life), but apparently we've all lost our damn minds, and announcing your outrage publicly seems to be, quite literally, all the rage.

I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but, please, the prettiest of pleases, when you decide to lose your mind and publicly denounce a movie (and everyone involved in its creation)... do us all a favor...

...and see the f--king movie first.

I need to uninstall Twitter in the worst way, because according to that dumpster fire (the one I can't seem to stop staring at, mind you), Birds of Prey is a monumental failure that should be avoided at all costs. But, being the a-hole I so clearly am, I left [not] my mom's basement to see it on the big screen, rather than take the collective word of a bunch of douchebags. Turns out? It's not the worst thing ever. Between you and me, *whispers* I thought it was pretty f--king awesome.

While shacked up with the Joker, Harley Quinn was afforded the ultimate get-out-of-jail free card. Arm and arm with The Clown Prince of Crime, Quinn could basically do whatever the Hell she wanted. But when they split, the seedy underbelly of Gotham places a giant target on the back of Ms. Quinn, and it's basically open f--king season. Not, F--king Season, which sounds like something I'd watch while my house burned down, but more of a...uh...invitation. To kill.

Leading the charge against the mallet-toting vixen is some dude named Black Mask (not the Jet Li one, thank f--king Christ). This loveable goofball, when not singing about love on top of an elephant or having the faces of his enemies sliced the f--k off, is one of Gotham's biggest crime bosses. He was fairly pissed at HQ before, but after she breaks the legs of one of his henchmen (in spectacular fashion, by the way), welp, she's gotta go. Now.



Harley, mostly inadvertently, assembles a crew of people who have been or one day will be f--ked over by Black Mask. Actually it's not that simple, as there just under nine-hundred subplots bouncing around, many of which require a break in the action to flashback for a history lesson (or ten). It's not unmanageable by any stretch, but even though I dug the film, there were a few points where it felt a bit laborious. But I'm old now, so there isn't much that falls outside of absolutely daunting.

There isn't a (forty year-old) guy alive who isn't still  in love with Rosie Perez.
Gloria, I too know what it feels like to be thirsty. I too have had a dry mouth.

Luckily, it seems like every ten minutes or so, beautiful women are beating the shit out of dudes left and right, and it's shockingly some of the best choreographed fight scenes Hollywood has thrown or way in some time. Think of a Deadpool-style vibe, but more colorful and less...fourth wall-y. Obviously, we were in for some action, but had no idea it was going to be so f--king good. And absolutely brutal. 

Speaking of brutality, why don't we roller-skate over to the Yays and Boos right quick and hit 'em square in the nuts with a baseball bat? They probably wouldn't mind in the least.

Kind of like an edgier young Mariah, no?
(translation: she has me feelin' emotions, higher than the heavens above)

Yaaaaaaaaa...

...aaaaaaaaay!

• The film is book-ended by two kick-ass sequences: a cool animated intro and some killer end credits.
• Behind every successful man, there's a badass broad.
• It's a big yes to all-things roller derby. (except actual roller-derby)
• Even if it was in the trailer (rightfully so), that plant explosion was so f--king rad.
• So, uh, this means we're getting Rosie Perez back, right? RIGHT?
• No disrespect to the ladies, but uh, the sexiest thing here...might have been that f--king breakfast sandwich. My God, I'm drooling over myself just thinking about it.
• Totally here for all of Harley's dumb luck. The van hitting that wheelchair dude being the peak example.
• I SHAVED MY BALLS FOR THIS is easily the best t-shirt ever (and probably what gets me fired next dress-down day).
• That big-ass glitter gun better find it's way into every video game ever.
• Mine wouldn't be nearly as cool, but I'm thinking I now need a business card, too.
• Black Canary might just be my MVP. And by might clearly I mean is totally. Huntress is awesome, too...but not quite BC-level, ya know?
• I mean, I like crossbows.
• I loved that Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend video. Did I, ahem, ever mention how talented Robbie is?
• I hope upon re-watch, that the jail-break scene holds up. Right now, in my mind, that f--ker was the stuff of legend. The water, the bat bounce, the coke-fueled ass-kicking, THE KNEE CAPS! Movie boners abound (and that's before she lights a dude's beard on fire, for f--k's sake).
• re: the Joker - Sounds like a dick. So much yes, right there.
• Dude, that's a f--king epic cover of Hit Me With Your Best Shot. Pat Benatar should be stoked.
• As much as I loved some of the previous scenes, the finale is pretty f--king bonkers in a good way. We've got motorcycles, roller-skates, grenades blowing guys in half - I mean, what more could you ask for, really?
• And finally, Margot Robbie. Without her, there simply is no Harley Quinn. Considering all the other films she's been in in the last few years, it's f--king nuts she's even in this film, let alone absolutely carrying it. The fact that anyone could see this and not love her is beyond me, but, well, when it comes to Robbie, I guess we all make mistakes sometime.

Love is a many-splendored thing.

Boooooo...

...ooooooo!

• All the trailers were for horror movies? Huh? Well, except for Tenet (though I'm already terrified about trying to understand that one).
• No bullshit, I'm honestly not even sure what the name of this film is.
• I'm still haven't recovered from HQ jumping on that guy's legs. Still.
• Why are dude's always pissing in the street? It's so gross. Does Gotham have no sinks?
• Faces? Really? We're going faces!?!
• That main hench dude was mad sketchy. Like, that didn't even feel like a performance. More like...evidence, honestly.
• This almost never happens (I'm sure every guy says that), but...uh...I had to pee during the grocery store scene! What'd I miss?
• That whole Dance, Erica scene was f--king terrible. Mostly her hideous dress, sure, but also it was just so f--king awful, yikes.
• F--k you, Doc. You all-too kind f--king sell-out.
• Aw, no guns in the closet? Really?
• Um, Founder's Pier looked like an absolute nightmare/Mortal Kombat level and I never want to think about it again.
• Like this post, did it ever feel a bit...long? If someone told me this one clocked in just under Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, I wouldn't be surprised.
• And finally, people. All of them. I know we all live for irrelevant pissing matches, sure, but imagine not seeing this movie to make some kind of point? My God, that's pathetic. I know that no one cares about Birds of Prey now (I started writing this post in the distant past known as two weeks ago), but for a minute there, I was so f--king irritated with all the bullshit surrounding this movie. And yes, that's pathetic too.

I'm not even sure if I see a lot of movies anymore, but with the summer allegedly approaching, the deluge of big-budget movies is certainly coming. Wonder Woman, Ghostbusters, Black Widow, TENET *shudder* are just a few off the top of my head that I'm really looking forward to. (did I mention Wonder Woman?)

Will they all be great movies? I couldn't tell you. And more importantly, I wouldn't tell you.
BECAUSE I HAVEN'T F--KING SEEN THEM.



(yet)