Are we ever gonna be better than this?

Quik.
Kool.
Tanner.
The one that be Warren G.

I don't have a lot of interest in DJs, outside of hiring one for my wedding (he's in jail for murder, by the way), so it's not like I'd purposely seek out a movie about Pauly D when scouring Netflix a couple of nights back. But when I, perhaps desperately (uh, it was overwhelmingly desperate), searched the name of one of my favorite actresses like the pathetic hermit I've become (well, further become), a movie about a guy vigorously pushing buttons on his laptop seemed like quality cinema. I mean, as long as the impossibly sexy (and, if I'm honest, impossibly curvy) woman was featured?

Push those buttons, good sir. Oh, and if you could, do it with your head on your shoulder. So dope. Cool, cool. Now, with two hands bring the slider down, then up. Bro, you're killing it.

Look, I 'teach' (or used to teach?) f--king ultra-uninterested children for a living, so believe me, there isn't a job I'd ever really shit on. That said, I headed into We Are Your Friends thinking the whole idea of being a DJ was silly at best, unrelentingly pretentious at worst. And while I still think it's all kind of ridiculous, there's way more skill than I ever gave it credit for. And boobs. Boobs also seem to be a part of the profession.

Just not the ones I was expecting.

Zac Efron, also not slacking in the chest department, plays Cole, a young dude trying to make it as a DJ in the party-scene of southern California (back in the glory days when people were allowed to leave their homes and gather). Cole is actually a pretty good dude, but he may or may not be fully held back by his trio of friends, Bald Guy, Hat Guy and Other Hat Guy. These bros are close as f--k, and have formed some sort of Volton-like creature, that when assembled, might impact the periphery of an exclusive club or two. They dream big, but it's beyond obvious that only Cole has a chance of making something of himself. If only he could meet some kind of Mr. Miyagi type, who could take him under his self-important wing, and show him the way. Cue DJ Bootleg Wolverine.

Fine, that's not Wes Bentley's name in this, but his James certainly gave off a homemade Weapon X vibe, assuming you replace the ability to regenerate with infinite douchery. For whatever reason, James sees something in Cole, perhaps even a vision of his younger self (before he was a f--king sellout creeper), and invites the aspiring DJ into his posh recording studio to have passionate sex with his uber-hot girlfriend Sophie. Fine, O.P.P might not have been on the invitation, but Cole's clearly down with it.

Three people awkwardly sitting too close together? This movie was clearly ahead of its time.

There might be a reason to feel bad for James, or root for Cole, or actually listen to the dialogue, but being that Emily Ratajkowski, playing the aforementioned Sophie, was dancing around with her shirt wide open, I had a hard time concentrating on pretty much anything. No lie. For me, the only word that comes to mind when describing Ratajkowki is unfair, as is my assessment of the movie, in all honesty. I mean, if I was run over by a car she was driving, I'd probably be stoked that, for a second, she was on top of me.

Anyway, we were talking about a movie or something? I don't even know any more. Here are the Yays and Boos. I'm sure they'll straighten out everything. Or nothing. I'm sorry, you were saying...? I'm gonna get some water.

In the history of finding/stealing pics for my posts...
...never have I had to scroll through so many GIFs first.
(all of which I clicked on)

Yaaaaaaaay!

• Stylistically, there are a lot of rad touches here. All of play-by-play type stuff, the diagrams, the breakdowns? Dug 'em all.
• Didn't expect Jon Bernthal to show up...even if he plays an actual snake.
• James, that painting is alive. Hahaha...that whole PCP trip was awesome. Ends up being a way more psychedelic version of the Family Ties opening credits and I'm all for it. 
• Oh, so that's how you rock a party. I sound like I'm being a sarcastic prick, but no lie, I actually thought that was cool (and goofy) as f--k. The science, if that's true, is kickass. The accompanying posing is not.
• Okay, so that dance scene, pictured above (/etched in my mind forever), might just be the stuff of legend. I'm kidding, of course. It's the best two minutes in the history of motion pictures. I heard Spielberg watched it and punched a hole in the nearest wall when it was over. With his dick.
• Once again, no whole boob is featured, which is...fine...but we get a lot of underboob, which in some cultures equates to seeing a rainbow, or a child's first steps.
• The way he creates it, well, it might be a bit much for you cynical types (not me, no sir), but even if it's f--king absurd, I really dug Cole's life-changing EDM track. Yeah, I said it. Life-changing e...d...m track. 
• And finally, maybe I'm secretly a nineteen year-old woman, but I have always enjoyed Zac Efron in pretty much whatever. Yeah, he probably peaked in The Greatest Showman [review], and relies way too much on that staring intently thing (like he's trying to remember the alphabet backwards), but he holds it down in We Are Your Friends.

Big fan of those melons.

Boooooo...

...ooooooo!

• I never had a friend that was that bad, but Bald Guy perfectly encapsulates the why are we friends again? vibe that is all too familiar, you know? He literally fights a dude over sushi recommendations. The Hell?
• F--k me, Berthal's business is the worst. Like, everything about is just the worst.
• Can you play Drunk in Love? I don't know if it's that this recurring joke is the Boo, or the fact that I don't get it is the Boo. Either way? Boo.
• Nothing made me more nervous than that shoebox full of cash. But worse? It never became the problem that worried me so damn much.
• You ever watch a movie at your house and you have to work the volume like a pretentious twenty year-old kid and his f--king iMac? Yeah, me too. Up for dialogue, way the f--k down for everything else.
• Aw, they're doing it finally. It's so romantic. Now, can we see something, please? Hell, I'll trade you Zac's ass for Emily's boobs. Fine. FINE. You can have his balls, too.
• Who just hands somebody cake? That's a dick move, bruh.
• I get it, I do, but was it really a good call saving her picture to your contacts? Rookie mistake, holmes.
• This heavy scene, well, it ain't that heavy. 
• I'm trying to buy a house as we speak, and let me tell you, there's no f--king way those dudes get that house. Absolutely no way. I'd buy them moving to f--king Narnia before believing four unemployed a-holes could close on that place.
• Aw, poor Hat Guy. Or Other Hat Guy. Either way, I'm....sad, right? Nope. I'm not.
• For someone making EDM, the pivotal moment is kind of...laughable. Turns out, when Cole's phone dies, he livesssssssssssss!
• And finally, I clicked on this movie after searching for someone else. Now, I'm basically blind at this point (unrelated, jerk), so I can't read the little Netflix summary from the other side of my living room. You'd just assume the third movie in the results is going to feature them, uh, her, but surprise! It doesn't. And after spending an hour and forty minutes with Ratajkowski, I'm beyond okay with that. Not only are my eye's failing, but so is my honor.

This just in, the governor has closed schools for another two weeks, so it looks like I won't be headed back to work until at least mid April. Since I won't be seeing any of my friends any time soon (or my enemies, let's be honest), might as well watch Cole and his a couple of more times, right? Even if I still don't have any interest in DJs...


...their girlfriends are pretty fascinating.