I fear I'm not meant for greatness.

As this may be my final feature-length posts for awhile/ever, I really wanted to open strong one last time. You may have noticed over the last ten years or so (or not, it's fine) that I tend to kick things off with a vague personal connection to the film at hand (like, super-vague), but this time...I've really got nothing. Like, really really.

I thought about just writing WTF once for every minute of the film's run-time, but nine hundred what the f--k's seemed excessive.

I thought about the curse of talking foxes striking again, but that's a pretty obscure personal reference, as half the attendees to the OG event are currently/presumably in (dog) heaven.

So, uh...I guess I'm just going to do...nothing...at all, really. Maybe I'll come back in a year or so...when I've actually got a story to tell.

It's been a long and lonely time since I caught an August showing of The Green Knight with my sister, so frankly, this review is going to beyond f--king worthless. But between you and me, if one of the ushers had thrust a working laptop into my sternum immediately upon exiting the theater that day, well, that's probably what I would have typed over and over: beyond f--king worthless.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...before you cut off my head with little to no effort in front of a room full of unimpressed cosplayers, let me explain myself a bit. First, let me blame the registrar's office, because whatever prerequisite course I should have taken prior, I did not, and the whole time felt like this f--ker was in a language I was only passingly familiar with (like English). We're talking string theory and I just conquered mixed numbers. Second, my sister, of f--king course, f--king loved it, and comes out of the theater bellowing that was so f--king awesome a split-second before I got out who just shit in both my eyes for seventeen hours? Oh, so now I'm the asshole here? Yes, and for the people in the back, YES. Third, you know what else I did (months) after this movie? I fucking bought a 4K copy on Black Friday. To watch. Again. Like a goddamn moron.

Ani? My goodness, you've grown...

Whether that happens or not remains to be seen, but if I do, I'll come back and edit the shit out of this post...one way or another. All kidding aside, there is no way a second viewing could be worse, unless during the flick some weird couple asks me to have sex with each of them and someone wipes jizz on my arm (did that happen in the movie? Or am currently having a stroke?). Anyway, in regard to the Yays and Boos, let's f--king do this.

Look at this, man. No wait. Look at this man.

Yaaaaaaaaay!

• What the Hell was that Lamb trailer? Yes, thank you. I'll have some of that.
• First things first about The Green Knight: I f--king love Dev Patel. The guy is perfect in everything and I'm pretty sure I like him more than a friend. I'd say I'd be willing to watch this guy do anything for two hours...but I think I just did.
• Any movie that starts in a whorehouse can't be that bad, can it?
• I wish all anybody in my house wanted for Christmas was a good f--king story. 
• I don't remember it at this point, but apparently, there was a dope puppet show?
• His 'laydee' was lovely, was she not?
• A book for a kiss? Deal.
• For whatever did or didn't happen, I can't argue that I wasn't absolutely riveted to the screen. Sure, you can read that I was leaning forward thinking, this! this is moment something finally f--king happens, but to keep things on a more positive tip, let's just say this f--ker was, um, oddly compelling.
• And finally, The Green Knight might just be the most visually stunning film of the year (not that I saw much). Whether you know what the f--k is going on (and/or why it's happening) is debatable, but the top-tier cinematography is not. 

And you thought teenage Groot was a prick...

Boo!

• Trust me, there's nothing worse than not having a story to tell (I'm ten years in...still nothing).
• I don't know what was more natural - the pacing or the lighting, but the two of them working together? I'm just going to rest my left eye...and my right.
• Whose f--king kid is this? This unimpressed jerk-off sucked hard enough initially then absolutely doubles down on being a f--king wanker.
• Not being a fan of mushrooms, I probably would have dodged that monstrous bullet.
• So, uh, the giants, eh? That was...something.
• Hey, alright, it's Joel Edgerton - good news. Erp, wait. Nevermind. I think he wants me to have sex with him. And his wife. Or his wife? I'm confused and scared. Totally cancelling Boner Jams 1395 C.E. I mean, I want to help y'all out and all...
• And finally, as it's more than readily apparent I had like the slightest of clues as to what the f--k was happening during this one, I think the end left me even more befuddled than the rest of it. Like, what the f--k even happened? I've read some shit like 'this isn't for people who want everything spelled out' but no lie, it was like I couldn't even read the letters, let alone make words out of them.

For f--k's sake, I can't believe I've made it to the end of this post. Days and days have gone by, months even, and all I genuinely thought I'd never make it the this moment, the f--king end, you know?

A lot of that going around, apparently. 

[note: in exactly one year's time (or a day early, I forget), I will come back to this post and, holy f--k will I have a story to tell. But in the meantime, feel free to walk around and talk to an animal or two]