In & Out [post]: The Meg

So far nothing new, my friend. It just keeps getting worse.

Rating: PG-13            Year: 2018            Runtime: 113 minutes      

What's it about? It's a giant shark movie, right? But as much as you want it to be about a giant shark doing giant shark things, it's also a story about redemption. The best deep-sea rescue guy in the world (Statham, as jacked as ever) is forced out of a life of drinking and sleeping in the sun to, perhaps unsurprisingly, lead one last deep sea underwater rescue. Turns out some billion dollar research lab led by Dwight Schrute has inadvertently unleashed a ninety-foot shark from below the bottom of the ocean floor, and that f--ker, gifted with the new freedom of open waters, is pissed. If it's not eating whales and being the biggest dick in the sea, this damn shark is destroying everything, including any and all sea craft in its vicinity. I think because it hates shiny things?

What works: I somehow found myself in the middle of a Transporter marathon on HBO the other day, and it seems for whatever reason, I stopped always thinking about Jason Statham. This guy is as charming and handsome as ever (even all these years later), and he elevates The Meg to something beyond Giant Jaws. The rest of the cast is also entertaining enough, too, with the crew intermittently giving off an Anaconda vibe (that's a compliment), minus the coke-fueled Jon Voight performance (unfortunately).

What doesn't: We spend a lot of time without the shark, which is rather unfortunate. And when we do get to suckle its massive shark wang, it's over before it even got started. Less is more, sure, and everyone knows that, but not when you're talking about giant f--king sharks.

Yays: Maybe it's the Covid talking (yeah, pretty sure I am currently positive), but this film looked utterly gorgeous - maybe my favorite 4K disc so far. Speaking of beauty, er, adorable-ness, the little girl in this one is peak cute movie kid. Loved her. I also kind of love Ruby Dee, though I'm unsure if she'd ever love me back (I have made this shitty joke before, I'm positive). The black dude cracked me up a couple of times, too, even if his one-trick wore thin by the end. Ooh, the finishing move that Statham throws on the shark near the end? The right kind of nasty.

Boos: I don't know how much money this movie made, but the fact that it was rated PG-13 hurt my feelings tremendously. If I remember correctly, Statham wasn't pleased about that either (and who am I to disagree with Turkish?). But look, if we're seriously going to cut things, can't believe they went with gore and nudity over countless subplots and all non-essential dialogue. This f--ker is almost two hours long, and even if I enjoyed myself (enough) that's borderline unacceptable. Ladies (and gentlemen), we do get some gratuitously shirtless fresh-out-of-the-shower Statham, but nothing on the other end of the scale. Weak.

Fun fact: Last time I got some mysterious illness and felt like I was going to die (I would find out it was West Nile Virus days later), I rented Piranha DD [review]. This time, without really connecting the dots, my first Covid/quarantine movie was about a giant shark? What an odd/sad coincidence. So, if you find yourself deciding to watch Deep Blue Sea for the first time, be careful, you've probably got the plague. Or something.