In & Out [post]: Jackass Forever

It ain't a bunch of NASA scientists writing this shit.

Title: Jackass Forever Rating: R Runtime: 96 mins

Where: Regal West Manchester With: My sister, old people???

Number of times the screen was mostly somebody's dick: 900

What's it about? Someone might tell you it's about a lot more, and they might be right, but the short version is a bunch of dudes get together to hurt each other's dicks. Repeatedly. 

What works: Even if you're the most miserable f--ker on the planet, I'd bet good money that something in this movie is going to make you laugh in spite of yourself. And even if you somehow manage to defy the odds and find none of this shit funny, there's a certain undeniable charm in seeing these assholes all grown up, still doing the same dumb shit they did as kids. Oh, and old-man Knoxville is kinda sexy, right? (I'm more of a Steve-O man, myself).

What doesn't: There are some stunts in here that are so f--king awful, you might want to throw up directly into the face of the person closest to you (or projectile vomit into the face of someone not so close to you), and that's fine. That just means you're a decent person. But there's some weird shit in here, like super weird, where Knoxville or the director guy are basically forcing someone to do something they really don't want to do. If you find your self enjoying that shit...uh, maybe you should take a break. From living.

F--k the Yays, screw the Boos, let's take a look at ten of the stunts, as best as I can remember them.

1. The Opening: Who knew Godzilla was such a dick? And his attack? Pretty gnarly.
2. Human Ramp: Just what the f--k, really? Let's break each other's ribs. For fun.
3. Queen Bee thing: You'd think it would be enough to put bees on your naked body, but specifically your dick? Just...no. No. Nope. NO.
4. Kissing a snake: Just as f--king terrible as you would imagine.
5. Cactus Jump: For about eight seconds of film, a very large man jumps into a pile of cacti...naked.
6. Let's Kill That One Guy's Dick: Holy f--king shit, right? The softball? Awful. The slapshot? F--king terrible. The hardest punch? Makes me want to jump off a bridge. But quite possibly/most definitely the WORST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN????? *whispers* The f--king pogo stick.
7. Spider Helmet: I'm with Dark Shark. F--k all this shit.
8. Marching Band: I think I actually exhaled during this one. It was painful, but if I remember correctly, male reproductive organs were not the main focus of the life-altering trauma, so I could unclench my buttcheeks for twenty seconds which was nice.
9. Plastic Surgery/Scorpion Thing: F--k me, that lady is a champ. Oh, and I'm also terrified by how calm she is. Terrified.
10. The Vomitron: For real for real, this f--ker hurt me the most. I get motion-sickness very easily, and just the thought of spinning around (before getting shot with paintballs, no less) made me want to die. Which is fine. As long as no one mashes my balls with a pogo stick.

You know what I almost did? I almost tricked my 71 year-old father into seeing this with me. I thought it would have been funny to see his reaction to the Jackass phenomenon. And then the movie started and I'm convinced that one of us would have died in that theater.