It's really important that Cap never finds out about this.

He drives me absolutely crazy at times. He's a total scatterbrain. He looks at you, but he's not really paying attention to what you're saying. He leaves his stuff everywhere. He's way too sensitive. He loves telling the same (bad) joke over and over again. Oh, and he's kind of a gigantic geek. And according to the lady that lives next door to my mom, he looks exactly like me. 

In other words, he's me....just shrunken down.

Not only was Ant-Man my son's first theatrical movie starring people, but it was also his first big-screen viewing of a Marvel flick. And perhaps surprisingly, I can think of no better way to introduce him to the MCU, than with Earth's favorite person, Paul Rudd. Oh, and ants. Lots and lots of ants. 

Director Peyton Reed's Ant-Man is the second annual breath of fresh air for the MCU. Likely trumped by last summer's Guardian's of the Galaxy [review], Reed's film is still impossibly accessible and, wait for it, fun. Turns out these 'obscure' characters have this coveted superpower called enjoying life. Sounds amazing, right?

Anyway, not that you don't know, but I'll give you the quick version (from a moron's perspective). Many years ago, legendary genius Dr. Hank Pym came up with a way to shrink things down. Like, to the size of, oh I don't know, a f --king ant. And as it always goes, the Suits showed up and wanted to weaponize it. So, the good Doc, did what good Doc's do: he buried it. Good or bad, no one would ever be able to use his invention. In the wrong hands, it could end the world.


But, you've heard this one before, yet another genius, he of the evil kind, figures it all out, unearths it, and plans to sell off the technology to the highest bidder. Bummer, right? Well, yeah, except for the fact that Pym recruits the most noble of robbers burglars, Scott Lang to don his Ant-Man suit and blow the whole thing straight to Hell. It's risky, but Lang, fresh out the joint, is looking to do something to warrant his adorable daughter's constant adoration. He wants to be the hero.

Honestly, at this point, I'm surprised he's even wearing pants.
And, um, the bottle? A little suggestive, no?

And with Rudd in (and out of) the suit, he is. Ant-Man, as potentially ridiculous as it all sounds, is a wildly fun ride. The special effects are inspired, the action entertaining and silly, and almost everybody that appears on screen seems to be having a really good time (Michael Pena, for sure). The result, everyone in the audience does, as well. Even a squirrelly five-year-old.

Also unable to sit still and/or face forward, are the Yays and Boos. Though, to be fair, at least they don't eat all the damn popcorn. Crikey.

I don't know why, but this reminds me of Back to the Future.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Skin: First, we were treated to an ultra life-like 1984 version of Arnold via CGI, which was rad. But young Michael Douglas? I think I felt it move.
• Speaking of sexy old people, give it up for Agent Carter! I would totally do any version of her. Young, old, alive...
• I hope I look that handsome the day I'm released from jail.
• Michael Pena's Luis is probably the most positive and likable character ever. Oh, and that whole Luis tells the whole story gag? I will never grow tired of that. Ever.
• And Luis' crew? Fantastic. No, really. I loved those guys.
• You know how I hate product placement, right? I f--king loathe it. But in Ant-Man, it's hilarious. And I'm not just saying that, you know, because they always find out.
• The Yellow Jacket suit is badass. Like, let's go buy some toys immediately, son- level of badassery.
• Speaking of impressive shit, how about making a fingerprint? Even my son was like, DAMN! Okay, he wasn't it. Because I'm not a terrible person. But I think he may have said, Wow, Daddy! Which is pretty much the same thing. (he was also floored by ants spinning a penny)
• The initial Ant-Man shrinkage was all kinds of awesome. I could watch Rudd in a tub all day! Oh, boy. That came out wrong. Well.. not that it came out at all...oh jeez.
• I think we should call the Avengers. Without shitting you for a second, that's my vote for line of the year.
• Early reviews hid it, which I respect, but then one of the final trailers just showed it right there. I'm talking about Falcon's appearance, which was certainly a highlight for me (I love Mackie).
• Ant-Man running through that exploding model was friggin' fantastic, as was that tank exploding out of the building.
• And finally, the scene we've been talking about for days, the Thomas the Tank Engine battle. That was the perfect level of ridiculous, cute and awe-inspiring as Ant-Man and Yellow Jacket kick all kinds of ass on top of Thomas. I never thought I'd say this, but Thomas? You're a really useful engine.

How many days til Halloween? I gotta get started asap.

Booooooooo!

• 'Asshat'. C'mon, guys. Butthat would have been just as funny. Okay, not at all, but still. Think of the children, f--kers! Think of their fragile, little minds.
• Yo, that goo blaster was intense! I had to check in with the little guy on that one (he was cool with it).
• Oh, and that poor little lamb! Couldn't we destroy an ugly animal? Like a rat, maybe?
• Not gonna lie, there was a point or two in this movie where we simply needed more Ant-Man.
• And while we're at it, Wasp, too.
• Dr. Pym: Clear your mind. Think of your daughter. What the f--k, doc?
• Whoa, whoa, whoa. Was that the Winter Soldier? This is all happening too quickly!
• There was one ant I really cared about. Just one. And...well...*sobs* nevermind.
• And finally, after this one, my son decided he wanted to get one of those groovy Pop! Vinyl toys, and of course, he chose Ant-Man. We get in the car, he's excited, tears open the box...and Ant-Man's head falls right off. C'mon, Funko! We went back, and he exchanged it for Anger from Inside Out [review]. Makes sense.

My really had a good time with this one. He's such a good kid, you know? He's got a good heart, a great smile, and is about as laid-back as anyone I know, even in stressful situations. 

Hmm.  I guess he's not a shrunken down version of me. But...

...he did love Ant-Man.

Eh, close enough.