I've heard terrible things about you.

I think I like the old Ghostbusters movies more than the new one.

This wasn't really a swerve-from-the-left-lane-across-three-lanes-of-traffic type of moment, but it was pretty damn close. How could my son, my son, utter such nonsense? Have I failed him, and the world, as his father? Sure, you're allowed to like what you like (and hate what you hate)...that's totally fine. Especially when you haven't even had your seventh birthday.

But when you haven't even seen the new Ghostbusters movie yet? We've got a problem. But even more concerning?

He hadn't seen the old ones yet, either.

While I'm not (really) afraid of ghosts where I live, I'm deathly terrified of finding a troll in my house. So the easiest solution? Last Tuesday, along with my wife, we headed to the irrationally-divisive Ghostbusters remake to see a movie. 

Directed by Paul Feig, this updated version of the apparently f--king sacred eighties film plays it surprisingly (for me, anyway) close to the original. 

Three scientists, risking different levels of credibility, discover paranormal activity all over New York City. Behind the technical wizardry of Jillian Holtzmann (an awesome Kate McKinnon), and the leadership of Abby Yates and Erin Gilbert (Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig, respectively), our new Ghostbusters set out to prevent, you guessed it, the opening of a portal from another dimension. 

Seems some sketchy guy/deranged lunatic has discovered the means to summoning an army of ghosts and plans to take over the city...and one can only assume...the world.  Joined by NYC transit worker Patty Tolan (Leslie Jones, not quote dialed up to eleven) and their newly-hired secretary, Kevin (the best kind of ridiculous Chris Hemsworth), Yates and her crew must defy all the non-believers and save the day from a variety of misogynistic a-holes apparitions and abominations.

Ghosts sure love ballrooms, don't they?

Setting aside any feelings I have for the first one, which, because I'm an adult, is pretty easy to do, Feig's all-lady Ghostbusters is a solid (though ultimately unspectacular) summer action-comedy. Not the resounding failure many had hoped for, nor the incessantly hilarious Feig/McCarthy team-up I was expecting, this film ends up somewhere in the middle. Sure, each member of the cast delivers your standard crowd-pleasing performance (with McKinnon taking home the gold) and the film is sound technically (the effects and such), the real culprit here is the script. The outline was already there, the story laid out thirty years ago. All they had to do was focus on the jokes. And in that regard, Ghostbusters disappoints. 

Plain and simple, it needed a lot more laughs. 

On that note...here are the Yays and Boos. 

The floating hot dog implies a ghost is holding it.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Even though it made me uncomfortable (because my wife was there to judge me), the opening sequence with Gabe from The Office was very effective. Big fan of the face bidets and the anti-Irish fences.
• Ed Begley Jr.'s few jokes were pretty solid.
• Goodbye, Pringles. Hello, salty parabolas.
• I liked all the little 'fictitious' digs about how people flatly reject our female Ghostbusting crew. Ain't no bitches gonna hunt no ghosts.
• My favorite cameo? The old building...and its $21,000 a month rental fee. Just narrowly edges out that extremely tall drink of water, Ms. Sigourney Weaver. Rowr.
• Like a random SNL skit that goes on too long (and goes from funny, to unfunny, back to funny), sign me up for more of McKinnon dancing to DeBarge's Rhythm of the Night.
• Oh, and speaking of soundtrack goodness? DMX's Party Up, which should be included in every movie ever, makes yet another welcome appearance. 
• That mannequin ghost thing was pretty f--king cool. I thought it would terrify my son, but he was cool with it.
• I couldn't catch all of them, but their Patrick Swayze remembrance cracked me up for a second.
• While the current SNL cast members were certainly welcome, I was overjoyed with the two dudes from Veep that showed up, too (Sam Richardson!).
• All the ghosts...for the most part (Pilgrim Guy?)...were pretty cool, but I especially liked all those red-eyed bastards in the picture frames. I'm sure they looked extra rad in 3D. Same goes for the parade-balloon ghosts, too.
• Hahaha...don't ever suggest that any mayor could potentially be like the mayor from Jaws.
• Let's go. 
• And finally, even though it strokes the balls of millions of laptop toughguys across the world, the best part of this movie, yes, the girl Ghostbuster movie, is easily Chris Hemsworth. Even if half of the jokes don't quite land, his impossibly clueless/handsome receptionist Kevin may be worth the price of admission alone. From his glasses to Mike Hat, I found it rather difficult to not laugh out loud at the reactions the ladies have to Kevin's idiocy. Throw this guy in a Feig movie with Jason Statham's character from Spy [review] and I'll line up right now. 

This is one second before the best action scene in the film.

Booooooooooo!

• Being a somewhat responsible parent, I check out the content of the movie before I drag my son along. But the wildcard in my (mostly inadvertent) attempts to scar him for life? The trailers.
• Ah, queef jokes. I hate you so.
• Were they trying to set a record for scientific vocabulary? Like, it was funny the first 19,000 times...
• F--k you, product placement. C'mon, now. These chicks are in f--king New York and they order Papa John's? Ghosts driving cars? Totally logical. But ordering shitty pizza in the Big Apple? No f--king way.
• Between you and me, Bill Murray's cameo sucked the biggest of Stay Puft marshmallows. If they remake Zombieland...f--k Garfield, this should be his number one regret.
• So...that metal show they went to...that was at like 2:30 in the afternoon? Hmm. Seems kind of stupid, right?
• As is the thought that including Ozzy Osbourne in anything would still be considered funny.
• Look, I never liked Slimer as a kid, okay? I thought he was f--king stupid. And gross. Anyway, the updated version? Makes me want to cover whoever included him in the movie with my own personal brand of sticky goo, you know? [I'm sorry...however you imagine that...it's f--king disgusting...my bad].
• But even worse than Slimer? Mrs. Slimer. I'm not sure what the f--k goes on the supernatural world, but having the exact same ghost with a wig and bow, makes Ms. Pac Man look like the peak of imaginative character design. Is there a lady dragon, too? Mrs. Pilgrim, perhaps? I'm all for including the ladies in every way shape or form...except this. This offends me.
• Uh...that was quite a bit of rope, huh?
• And finally, I can't fathom that this was the movie that divided so many of us. The only reason these sorry turds have the ability to wake up in the morning and posts stupid misogynistic shit all over the place is because a (likely disappointed) woman brought them into this world in the first place. I don't give a f--k, honestly, about how they feel about the movie one way or the other. Liked it? Great. Thought it sucked? Also great. But treating people like shit for not agreeing with you? Not great. Not even close. In fact, that shit's pathetic. And embarrassing...for all of us. 

Whether or not the remake of Ghostbusters is ultimately deemed a success or not, isn't quite clear yet, nor is it any of my concern, really. I'm done taking any of this reboot nonsense personally. It's not my work they made a slightly-lamer version of (haha...good luck making this site worse) and getting bent out of shape about it is ridiculous.

But if they do make a sequel? You can bet I'd go see it. Probably opening weekend, too. But, I guess that's not exactly saying much as I'll see anything.

I mean, how else could you form a logical opinion about it?