Wednesday, June 17, 2015

I would accept that with an open mouth.

In every job I've ever had, at some point, it's totally fair to say that someone was carrying my ass. Usually it's only in the beginning, but there has been a gig or two where I've been woefully inept at the task at hand the entire time (I was the worst server in the history of time [or waiter, to you assholes out there]). And when I take the time to actually think about these gracious people, littered throughout my adult life, it's readily apparent that they all have one thing in common:

Vaginas. They're all women. And I'm okay with that.

Fully atoning for Tammy [review], last summer's shit-show deluxe, Mellissa McCarthy returns to form in director Paul Feig's Spy. While maybe not the most inspired comedy, it routinely does exactly what you want it to do: Make you laugh your ass off.

Susan Cooper is a spy for the United States government. Technically, anyway. But as the years have gone on she has settled into a role that she not only excels at, but on the surface really likes, supporting the James Bond-like Bradley Fine (Jude Law). Fine is the dashing and debonair lead, while Cooper is simply the voice in his ear. They really are the perfect team.

After Fine is killed, however, it's apparent that the entire covert operation is in jeopardy. The quick solution? Shut it down. But instead, Cooper and her team, led by the bitchy Elaine Crocker (a consistently disgusted Allison Janney) decide to go rogue and take of business their way. But what agent could they possibly find that no one would ever suspect? Who could be so plain, so f--king boring, that they could infiltrate the bad guys completely unnoticed? Hmm. I have no idea. Maybe Mike Myers? Rowan Atkinson?

Despite the uninspired title and essentially pointless action and adventure! sequences, the film allows McCarthy to do her thing early and often. Combine that with a f--king hilarious cast of co-stars and some confidence-shattering gadgetry, Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema and I had a solid night at the movies. I don't know what's left this summer in terms of comedies, but I'd be surprised if any other film is consistently this funny.

Consistently unfunny, are the Yay and Boos. I'm taking them to New England for a week on Friday (um, and my entire family, too), so maybe they'll come back with some better material. Or at least Boston accents.

Because of Ford, I now know the best Secret Santa present ever.
  • That Jude Law. So dreamy. His little dinner scene with McCarthy was hysterical. You love cakes!
  • Karen Walker, super Agent. While the way they spoke to her (and the bartender) cracked me up...the bit at the end almost killed me. Ah, fart sounds. I love you so.
  • There's some old training footage of a younger Cooper laying around and trust me, it's nothing short of stellar. I wonder how many weeks the CIA spends on nutpunches.
  • It's one of the better running gags, but Cooper's secret identities just keep getting better (as they get worse).
  • Miranda Hart. She doesn't land them all the time, but when she does? It's fantastic.
  • I don't want to ruin it, but what Cooper does after her first kill is pretty f--king funny. And disgusting.
  • Rose Byrne, slutty dolphin trainer! Her character may not be as sexy as I (pathetically) dreamed of, but holy shit is she funny as Rayna Boyanov. She is so routinely disgusted with McCarthy's Cooper that you can't help but wince while you laugh. (Oh, and what about her mom?)
  • Sounds like a pen for dirty animals.
  • Cagney and Lacey! That whole bit where she makes that kid cry was sooo good. 
  • I mentioned that the action is kind of weak, right? Well it is. Outside of a pretty gnarly kitchen fight, that is. Oh, and grabbing that one guy by his jaw!
  • And finally, the real star of the show, Jason Statham as agent Rick Ford. Initially it's his quick temper and his insistence on using the Face/Off machine that won me over, but the verbal wars he engages with against McCarthy are hands-down the best moments of the film. The fact that he reattached his right arm with his f--king left arm still destroys me.
  • Thundercunt. A bit harsh, no?
  • What the Hell was with that weird German concert? That probably could have been...funny.
  • Look, it's hard to mention this without sounding like a huge dick, but anytime we're treated to a foot's, um...bad. Really bad.
  • On that note, McCarthy's stunt double? About that...
  • Dick pics. I guess taking a selfie with your giant wiener front-and-center is funny, but they appear onscreen too quickly to really have any impact. Seriously, it's poorly done. Yes, I realize I'm booing the fact that we don't get to see the some dude's wang enough, but trust me...something is off about this scene. It's like PG-13 dong, if that's possible.
  • Aldo. Initially I didn't like this character nor the fact that he drives like an asshole. But when he gets Cooper's neck wet? Well...he kind of redeemed himself.
  • Apparently private jets are like f--king unicorns or centaurs, because I swear Spy features a CGI airplane. Not a CGI exploding airplane or, I don't know, a f--king transforming airplane...but just a regular flight. Clearly this is something that must be created in a computer!
  • Gabe from The Office shows up. But...when he leaves...yikes.
  • It's pretty obvious that I'm a moron, but damn do I hate being treated like one. At least two times we are treated to the most unnecessary flashback ever. I mean, the movie is only two hours long, we can remember something from twenty minutes ago...
  • Oh, and for the record, two hours is too long for this. Especially when Statham disappears for a quarter of it.
  • And finally, as much as I loved McCarthy and her crew of f--k-ups, I simply can't get behind 50 Cent's role in this one. It's not majorly offensive or just ain't funny. Yay for his agent, though, as Mr. Jackson has carved out a decent filmography over the years.

If you do end up seeing this one, make sure you stay all the way the through to the end of the credits. It's a small scene, but it ends everything on the right note. We would have left the theater already if it had been up to me, but my wife sort of innately knew that there was more to come. Sigh.

It used to just be business, but it now seems I need a woman to help me with pleasure.

Oh, and any way you're going to take that last line?

I'm okay with that, too.


  1. I can't wait to see this one! It looks SO FUNNY!!!

    And I send dick pics to my bestie all the time. LOL...and they're not PG-13 either.


    1. Okay....deep breath.

      First, you should check it out. I think you'll have a good time with it.

      And second...well, um. No. I'm going to go with no. No one wants dick pics. Like, no one.


    2. No one?


      That can't be right...


    3. They haven't made a selfie stick long enough.

  2. I couldn't stay at the end credits, could you tell me what happened? I cannot wait for DVD to see it ^^ I actually loved everything even the stuff you had in boos, the dick pics bit was very short and man do I wish it was Statham :D He was so goddamn funny his perverted bus driver disguise, him in bed in the end, the bit with the coat and the doorknob and him looking like he is in the cast of Newsies just killed me. I really hope he does more comedies, he has serious talent and I'm overjoyed he did this since the last one he was in is my #3 fav movie of all time Snatch and it was 15 years ago

    1. It was another take of that quick one of Ford and Cooper in bed. But McCarthy says something like, we can do it again...but don't do that thumb thing again. Statham bursts out (genuinely) laughing. It's like two seconds long, but pretty funny.

      C'mon! Those dick pics were so weird. They showed them for like a fraction of a second. It woulf have been funnier had we actually got to see them. Or...maybe I just blacked out for a second.

      For real, though, Statham was the best part of this movie. The back-and-forth with MM was routinely HYSTERICAL. I totally forgot about that Newsies comment...and his grand entrance (during the climax) was hilarious.

      Shit...Snatch is probably in my top 10, too. He's f--king great in that movie.

    2. Oh wow, cannot wait to see that, Jason laughing sounds cute! Kudos to him and Melissa if they didn't blew too many takes, they didn't even look like they were about to crack in their scenes and their lines were so funny.

      Really, Statham should totally do more comedies, he is so natural and his facial expressions are awesome (like the one where she told him his gun looks like a second dick :D)

      Yeah that fraction of a second was weirdly short fraction :) I still saw them, though :) Maybe the editing guy is a prude and didn't think it was necessary to show them longer than that.

    3. Yeah, it was surprising how well they kept their shit together. I bet the outtakes are hysterical (most with MM are).

      His what the f--k? is about as good as they come.

      Hahahaha. You are ridiculous. I would never be so excited for such a quick flash of the female form. I'd be much worse.

  3. I hate McCarthy but your Yays and Boos are making me laugh. Maybe I will check this out on DVD or something.

    1. You hate McCarthy? Hmm. This one might change your mind...but she does veer into her usual routine at times, so maybe not.

      Stay the f--k away from Tammy though. And maybe even Identity Thief. I like her and I wanted to punch myself in the junk for even bothering.

  4. "Does he realize he's on a lake?" Sorry the scene where Statham steals the boat thinking he's on the ocean was the funniest I've ever seen him in...I think it's because he was off screen. Seriously this guy needs to stick with action movies, his comedy just isn't going to work for me.

    Anyway I loved this movie, and I totally agree with you on Tammy AND Identity Thief, by far the worst comedies ever made.

    1. That send off for him was pretty funny. He was so excited to be jet skiing out there. Poor bastard.

      You're being way too hard on the guy. He's got comedic chops. Did you ever see Snatch? Um, the movie? He's awesome in that.

      Holy crap Tammy was bad. Baaaaaaaad.