Mom, why did you do this?

I knew this couple in college who seemed to have it all figured out. Smart people, athletic, attractive - just two solid individuals, you know? And while Pete and Michelle basically nailed college, it was after graduation where they reached hero status. I caught up with these delightful bastards at a wedding years later, and between beaming smiles and hand-holding they let me (and my wife) on a little secret: They shared a job. 

Wait, what? This is a f--king thing?

One job. That they each took turns doing. Just not at the same time. And never together. 

Dear (Movie) God, I wish that Ben Falcone and Melissa McCarthy would follow Pete and Michelle's lead, and never, ever work together again. Each of them seem like fine individuals (full disclosure: I adore McCarthy), but when they work the same movie at the same time, moderate to intense failure seems like the only result. Unless you count a trailer full of decent bits as mission accomplished, that is.

Life of the Party may have been one of the most boring/uneventful films I've seen in years. And trust me, that's saying something. Where the concept could/should have worked, for whatever reason (and outside of a few bits of inspired lunacy), it all falls shockingly and desperately flat.

If you somehow missed the trailer (you lucky jerk), here's the setup: Doting mom/loving wife Deanna decides to go back to college after her douchebag husband unceremoniously dumps her sorry ass. As she had to put her life on hold twenty one years ago, ol' Mom fell just a few credits short of a degree, and with all this time on her hands, welp, it's Back to School she goes. But with nary a Triple Lindy in sight.

Look, I really, really, really find McCarthy funny, and there are a few scenes here that almost took my life, but for whatever reason, this flick is shockingly underwhelming. I'm fine with a tired premise, totally okay with a slew of one-note/made-for-TV supporting characters, Hell, I'm even good with the fact that almost zero conflict exists, as long as the f--king movie is consistently/occasionally funny - which it isn't.

Was it just me, or were the old people in class the f--king best? They had so many questions!

And it's not even that the jokes aren't landing, but even more of a f--k you to the audience, is that they aren't even throwing any in the first place. Long stretches go by where Life of the Party meanders into this weird coming of age tale that nobody in their right movie-going mind would ever give a damn about. Deanna, as sweet as she is, consistently/maddeningly toes the line between badass older lady and newborn unicorn in the big city, which makes half of this movie utterly f--king pointless. Switching back-and-forth between killer shark movie and fish-out-water family flick had me not only rolling my eyes and sighing off in the distance, but even worse, checking my phone to see what time it was.

Speaking of something it's borderline offensive to look at, here are the Yays and Boos. Would it be too much to just have McCarthy give us a sequel to Spy [review] or The Heat [review]? I'm even cool if her husband is part of the production. Just uh, a small part. *whispers* In post.

Oh, Debbie. Her character is the worst, but her shirt is the best.

Yaaaaaaaaay!

• Whether it was foreshadowing the quality of the film is debatable, but, uh, I was the youngest person in the auditorium.
• Deanna rides up front when taking an Uber, which is kind of awesome.
• Even if it wasn't nearly as funny as it could have been, the whole drinking while playing racquetball scene was a little bit of silly fun. The old folks in the crowd ate that shit up, too.
• So...that one sorority sister....Adria Arjona, I believe, was incredibly sexy. Um, how about a spin off for this very interesting and fully-developed character. Please?
• Sure as shit, we get a frumpy mom makeover scene, and despite trying to hate it, I still cracked a smile or two, dammit. Don't judge me, motherf--ker.
• In Predator, it was sexual tyrannosaur. Here, it's sexual Dumbledore. Solid reference, sure, but now it looks like I'll have to update my business cards.
• I'm not trying to be a dick, but I'm not buying Jack in the least. Nope. That said, I still kind of liked this goofy bastard.
• Even if contemporary Christina Aguilera looks like Snooki wearing the skin of Genie in the Bottle Christina Aguilera, I'm still rubbing my hands together Mr. Burns-style when I see her. Seriously, she's beautiful. No matter what they say.
• And finally, all unfunny bullshit aside, that presentation scene may have been worth the price of admission. Seriously. I was laughing so f--king hard, I too was sweaty and out of breath (but not that sweaty, my goodness). This scene was probably two minutes long, but it probably should have been ten.

This is one of the best scenes in the film? The Boo?
Is that it's not forty minutes long.

Boooooooo!!!

• Her parents live twenty-two miles away? F--k that noise. I knew one girl in college who lived in the dorm but could walk home and I basically wanted to fight her because of it. [side note: my son told me tonight he wants to go to college really close by... aww/dammit]
• Ladies, do you really have a name for your vaginas? (I think that's poorly written) I refuse to believe this is a thing. But, please. Feel free to prove to me otherwise.
• Ugh, those other sorority girls were f--king lame. What the Hell was with coma girl? Was I supposed to feel bad for her, or desperately want to push her off a cliff? I'm torn on this.
• But winning both the gold and silver for shitty tertiary character, is Goth Roommate chick. Painfully awkward and unrelentingly terrible, I was quietly praying in my seat that there was going to be a surprise crossover scene with Happy Death Day [review] and this chick would get murdered over and over again. 
• As bad as Debbie Ryan's Super Bitch character is (you know this character, and you hate this character), I've always found the chuckling sidekick to be even more offensive. Like, at least being a top-shelf C U Next Tuesday takes some effort, right? But chortling over her shoulder like an asshole? That shit's lazy.
• Old people eat weed bark at a hipster party. Just typing the sentence alone makes me want to throw myself in front of a lawnmower, Happening style, let alone actually witnessing it.
• Um, the class of 2018 had only about 47 people in it, which is odd, you know, considering it only takes about thirty-five seconds to enroll. 
• And finally, if I found out I had only one day to live, I would without a f--king doubt, ask to watch this movie on repeat. I kid you not. Life of the Party. Over and over again. Why, you (didn't) ask? It would make the final twenty four hours of my life feel like a f--king eternity.

Speaking of things that seem to go on forever, after tomorrow, I'll be just two and a half days away from finishing the worst f--king school year of my entire life. Two and a half! The good news? Summer vacation is about nine and a half weeks long. The bad news? Summer vacation's about nine and a half weeks long. 

But I've got an idea to make next year the best one ever. An idea to make my job nothing short of amazing. I'm sorry.


Our job.