It's the burning rain of death!

The Halloween of 1993 was probably the last time I went trick-or-treating. I think.

I would have been fourteen (and a high school freshman), so I might be a year off, but for the sake of this post (and the fact that it doesn't matter in the least), let's just go with it.

I wore a San Jose Sharks jersey (um, it was '93 - the Sharks teal road jersey was issued to wannabe a-holes by the federal government) and a glow-in-the-dark Jason Voorhees mask. If it had come in a package, once could assume it would have been titled murderous hockey player and/or timid dickbag desperate for Skittles. Either way, I knew right away, from the slight frowns of the candy-givers, that I had made a huge mistake. Simply put?

I was too old to be participating in this annual tradition. 

Which brings us to Hocus Pocus, yet another Halloween-related activity that I shouldn't have partaken in. You'd think I'd have learned something in the ensuing quarter century since 1993, but here I am, still ruining a perfectly good holiday with a bad decision.

In my defense, at least this time I wasn't an awkward virgin, knocking my sweaty hands on the doors of my apathetic Hawaiian neighbors. Instead, I was an awkward adult, gathering my children around the television, insisting they watch this 'classic' with me and my wife. I'm emphasizing they're mine, my kids, just so we can be clear that unlike that kid back in 1993, the 2018 model of m.brown has had sex. More than once, in fact.

Blogger Guy, what the f--k? No one needs to know all that. Oh, but they do Italicized Voice of Reason, because in a silly kids' movie about Halloween, whether or not the main character has ever gone for a ride on the wild bologna pony is paramount. Trust me - it matters. So much so, in fact, we should probably talk about his virginity as much as possible. Just so the little ones can really understand that having sex is like, super important, if witches be all up in your shit.

Truth be told, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with this movie, but if there's anything that my lovely wife loves more than a good holiday, it's a good holiday movie. To watch together. As a family. And as much I'd have loved to just watch The Nightmare Before Christmas for the zillionth time, instead me and the kids ended up doing our best for mom. I mean...it's the least we could do.

You close your eyes...and hope that this is just imagination.

While we're doing the minimum, here's the basic plot as I can figure it: three witches suck the life out of kids, till they're caught and killed. Many years later, ol' Victor the Virgin comes along, lights a candle, and the witches come back to eat his f--king sister. Oh, and there's a zombie guy. And a cat...possibly? They do things. Sarah Jessica Parker plays one of the witches, and looks like Courtney Love's way sexier younger sister and seemingly wants to f--k everyone she meets. You know, typical family fun.

What's not fun, nor designed for families, are the Yays and Boos. I would bet by the time you (don't) read this, I will have already seen the latest Grinch movie. Why, you may ask? Why would you go to the theater and see that instead of the 900 other movies I haven't seen lately? Remember that lovely wife I mentioned earlier? Bingo.

Any guess why I chose this picture?

Yaaaaaaaaaay?

• The kid gets turned into a cat. And I think it's supposed to be a punishment. Or something. Anyway, my daughter Violet, who's a few months into being five, let out the most sincere Awwwwww and that's an automatic Yay. Rules are rules.
• Wow, the Fall Machine is cranked to eleven. Honestly, it was so incredibly FALL, I half expected fresh-baked apple pies to fall out of picturesque trees into neatly raked piles along the sidewalk.
• The old days are dead. Well, thank God. 
• The talking cat is pretty rad, sure, but he reminded of that f--ker on Sabrina, the Teenage Witch and f--k that show. (Except for the cat. Oh, and everything that wasn't Melissa Joan Hart)
• Okay, so Bus Driver Guy makes my top-three (all-time)cinematic bus drivers. First, obviously is the guy from Quick Change. Second, well, you kinda have to go with Sandra Bullock in that movie about the bus that has to go fast or will it explode. Not sure what it's called. And third? This dude. Not only is he obviously steering the bus with his massive boner, but totally thinks it's cool to have a passenger sit on his lap while the bus in in motion.
• As soon as I could ask my wife Is that Laverne's Dad?, sure as shit Penny Marshall enters the frame to confirm it. Well, she doesn't, like look into the camera and announce that that's her father, but I feel like anytime there's one Marshall, the other one isn't too far behind. Why is this a Yay, exactly? Uh....witchcraft?
• Running into your parents at a Halloween party? Frightening. Especially when Mom's dressed as missile-tits Madonna. But just as fast as my wife and I could exchange raised eyebrows about her cone bra, Violet squealed I LOVE THE MOM'S COSTUME!!
• When the town d-bag returns, my wife, in her 'cool' voice mind you, announced, Ohhhh, Ice is back! And my brain immediately screamed WITH A BRAND NEW INVENTION. And, well, between you and me, I've never felt so proud. Of anything.
• Dude, sleeping with Allison/Vinessa Shaw...basically on the first night you met her? Even if it was literally sleeping with her, this is easily the most heroic thing Max in his entire life. 
• And finally, I know I've already mentioned it, but let's make some room on our broomsticks for a twenty-eight year old SJP, shall we? My goodness, she's sexy here. Honestly, I'm not looking for a sequel, so I guess I'll settle for a Hot Topic employee training video or something. 

When you finally realize that floating bags aren't that beautiful.

Booooooo...

...ooooooo!

• Even though she warmed up to it, initially Violet was terrified of this film. And like the negligent monsters that we are, we insisted she give it a chance. Wait, what?
• Holy shit, what was the frilly shirt budget? I thought Marty Bryde was running the costume numbers but this shit checks out: $900,000 for pirate wear.
• I didn't know that witches had Raiden/Emperor Palpatine powers.
• How old are these damn school kids? I thought that was the teacher's lounge, these bastards were so old.
• Nothing weird about two hoodlums just bro'ing out in the cemetery during a school day. Nope. Nothing, um, curious about that at all.
• And then they steal Max's cross-trainers. His f--king cross trainers, you guys. I'm surprised they didn't steal his Pogo Ball while they were at it.
• Dude, Max. That's a sweet Obvious Pervert costume you've got there. They sell those at Stop & Shop?
• Allison's family is having quite the Halloween...ball? Seriously, that was a full-on Eyes Wide Shut orgy, wasn't it? Who leaves this to go to some dilapidated sexual assault shack?
• And speaking of the lovely Allison, there was minute (or ten) where I was convinced that she was being played by a young Hilary Swank. Even got the agreement from the Mrs when I finally announced I've got it! But alas, the Next Karate Kid it was not. Instead, twas the aforementioned Vinessa Shaw playing Allison, who as pretty as she was in '93, grew up to run people over. 
• Let me get this straight, the secret to eternal life...is killing kids? I went ahead and put this into my abacus...and I'm telling you. Something ain't adding up quite right.
• Tell me I imagined Bette Midler freestyle rapping. No, you know what. Don't. Let us never speak of it again, regardless.
• Was this entire movie filmed on porno sets? Asking for a friend, as I uh...haven't ever...*looks around nervously*...   .... I'm sorry. You were saying something?
• You know when you hear one of those salacious stories about what the killer did after the murder? And it somehow makes it worse? Gravel-voiced lawyer: And if you can believe it ladies and gentlemen, after Max put three women in the school's kiln...where children make ashtrays and flowerpots, he went out and had the night of his life. He even found the time to go...*holds up Polaroids* DANCING! *jury gasps* Sadly, I know three women who won't be at Salem's next Sadie Hawkins...
• And finally,  in the ultimate nut-punch to my enjoyment of this film, 1993 never felt so much like...1983. Like, guys... I get it. I'm old. But for f--k's sake, this might as well have been shot on a camcorder. By my dad. With the lens cap on.

Maybe the movie selection for Halloween 2018 wasn't the best, but this year's trick-or-treating was exponentially better than that ill-fated night in 1993. The weather was warm (enough), the skies were clear, and my kids had an absolute blast. And afterward, when the little ones went to bed? You know what me and my wife did? Uh huh. We ate way too much of their Halloween candy. But after that? Well, that's when the real annual magic began...


We got a good night's sleep.