What is wrong with me?

Honestly, I liked it better the first time.
In June.
When it was called Upgrade.
And I wasn't a miserable prick.

Even though the, uh, modifications weren't as cool, and the voice in his head wasn't as routinely hysterical, I had a better time with Leigh Whannell's flick. The violence was more visceral and the love interest was more, well...lovelier.

Hell, even if the Tom Hardy wasn't actually Tom Hardy, for whatever reason, I still had more fun with Upgrade [review] than I did with its cinematic cousin...

...Venom. Even if early word (at the time) had suggested it was a hot mess, I still went in hoping Sony's latest Marvel flick would defy odds and kick so much ass.

But as the audience around me seemed to be enjoying themselves more and more (including my sister, an enthusiastic moviegoer, to say the least), I felt myself drifting in the opposite direction. This is what you guys came to see? This? People were damned near falling out of their seats they were laughing so hard, and even more bewildering, it wasn't at the movie, but with it.

All I can think of at this point, is that I'm incapable of joy, because this Venom flick, while being thankfully Topher-free, rubbed me the wrong way. Tom Hardy is great in everything, so despite his performance being the best part of Ruben Fleischer's latest (dude did Zombieland and Gangster Squad), he's also why I was so let down.

See, once Hardy was announced as Eddie Brock, it only seemed logical that this new version of Venom would be a hard-R, impossibly creepy look at the famous villain/anti-hero. I imagined something along the lines of what Heath Ledger (and Nolan) did with the Joker in The Dark Knight, and began to count the days until Venom hit theaters. Hardy is going to literally eat someone.

Quickly, the film establishes that it ain't so serious, as Hardy's Brock is a lovable loser, doing honest journalism and looking out for the little guy. When he finally has his chance to make some money doing a puff piece, ol' Eddie can't resist and sticks it to some dude named Carlton Drake, who is conspiring to create something nefarious with some goop his company discovered in outer-space. And yes, I feel like an asshole as I type this, because of course this should be played as comedy.

I haven't been this uncomfortable in a convenience store since that dude said something about O-dog's mom.

Anyway, instead of an R-rated horror film with Hardy eating the faces off of prostitutes while his symbiotic schlong impales their pimps, we're left with a legitimate screwball comedy. Eddie, rather hilariously (at times), has to constantly battle the flesh-cravings of the alien that inhabits him, all while trying to keep his own personal shit together. It's honestly goofy fun, I'll admit, it just wasn't what I had hoped for in the least. Before writing this review I wanted to see the film again, but alas, like seeing a faceless hooker being punted into a dumpster by a space monster, it just wasn't in the cards.

What is in the cards, but belongs in a trash receptacle, are the Yays and Boos. Despite the aforementioned hate, we're actually looking forward to the sequel. At least, that's what the voice in my head keeps telling me to say.

Even for me, that's a lot of tongue.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Even before it becomes the suit, the symbiote stuff looks pretty f--king cool.
• Holy shit, Dan from Veep shows up. As, well, Dan. From Veep. 
• While I guess it's pretty hardcore to eat raw human flesh, I was way more impressed with the consumption of frozen Tater-Tots. Damn, Eddie. You're a wild man.
• Though chowing down on the freshest of fresh lobsters is also pretty epic. (this bit actually wiped the Did someone just fart? look from my face for a minute...which was a plus)
• In fact, the level of physical comedy is easily one of the films biggest highlights. Uh, assuming that's what you've signed up for.
• Okay, I gotta be straight with you. I'd totally do Lady Venom. Even if in post-coital bliss, she'd devour my f--king skull like a praying mantis, I'm fairly certain it would have been worth it.
• Venom vs. Riot, though an absolute CGI clusterf--k, still managed to be pretty f--king cool. 
• Ugh, this one kind of hurts now...but, another awesome Stan Lee cameo, right? Always love(d) those. *sobs*
• Whoa...whoa....whoa. That end-credits scene was the right kind of bonkers. Why couldn't that have been how they opened the movie, you know? That little clip gave me quite the Woody, if I can be fully honest with you.
• And finally, regardless of whatever wizardry went in to it, Tom Hardy's Venom voice is f--king hysterical, and hands down my favorite part of the film. Hardy has made a few....uh...interesting vocal choices throughout the years (I'll never ever get over Bane. Ever.), but what he does (/they do) here is impeccable. Brock is basically a nice guy. And Venom? Well, he's a giant condescending d-hole making Eddie's life a constant Hell. But when you hear that booming voice? It's pure heaven.

Ususally I don't take selfies during the movie, but...

Boooooooo...

...oooooooo!

• I like Michelle Williams, I do, but she's not in Venom. I'm pretty sure all her lines and scenes are re-purposed from a Legally Blonde reboot that got shelved back in 2006. 
• Obviously, I know a lot about awful writing, and this film has some of the worst. The dialogues is pretty f--king terrible at times. Less talking, more kissing level of terrible.
• Dude, that lady was still walking? I half expected her to invent the smiley-face she was out on the road for so damn long. At least when she finished eating raw eels, anyway...
• Of course he has a neon sign right next to his window. I mean, how else would we know he's down on his luck?
• Oh, right. A neighbor wailing some generic guitar riffs at all hours across the hall - that did the trick. (all we needed was the scene where, after trudging home in a rainstorm, Eddie finally gets his keys in the door, and upon turning on the light...zzzz....there goes the light-bulb!)
• Poor Isaac. Probably not the first time he got rejected.
• As high tech as that facility is, it's a shame they didn't invest in F--KING SECURITY CAMERAS.
• What's worse, the fact that they're using a bunch of homeless people to conduct a life-threatening study...or the fact that all of your friends are downtrodden drifters? *flips coin* Call it in the air...
• Um, that was quite the stable of dune buggies to have at the ready...
• Jenny Slate is the least convincing whatever the f--k she is in the history of cinema. They should have given her a helmet made out of a ping-pong ball she's so f--king mousey.
• Man, that chase scene hurt. Bad. Not only are Eddie and Venom basically recreating the climax of Rad, but not a single police car enters the fray at all. And worse? These high-tech drones that are following them? They defense measures are set to kamikaze. Seems a bit...wasteful? And stupid. I was half expecting a homeless lady pushing a stroller full of empty beer cans across the street, but obviously, she was already at the lab.
• Wow, I haven't heard anybody laugh so hard at the word pussy since Billy Bush rode the bus with the guy from Home Alone 2.
• Full disclosure, but I don't really remember what Venom was like in the comic books. Sure, I haven't really read them since I was 12, but was he really a bit of a loser prone to doling out relationship advice? Really?
• I wrote the words Venom Dog and I'm assuming I hated it. Thoughts?
• Nah, you know what? A hasty rocket launch sounds like a good idea. Who needs to plan those?
• And finally, it's abundantly clear that I'm an a-hole, that's fine. But I shit you not, when this film ended, the crowd, the sold out, biggest-theater-we've-got crowd, burst into thunderous applause. The f--k? a) it's a movie, dickwads, Tom Hardy isn't going to come out and curtsy while the ticket guy hands him flowers  b) are you f--king kidding me? and c) no, for real - are you f--king kidding me?

Goodness, this post is a f--king mess. The tone is all over the place, and when you really step back, it's trying way too hard to be funny, you know? Cut the bullshit already and stop f--king around. Keep this nonsense up...

...and you might set a box-office record.