Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski?

Don't let the Disney inspired logo fool you...

There's only one way to end this.

Five years ago, I wanted to honor my blogging friends, and I did, with the Mt. Rushmore of Clutch Neighbors.

Apparently, that little spark of (non-perverted) creativity was rather taxing, so I took two years off to gather myself and come back with something legitimately important to say.

Of course, it was a monument to boobs, because, as they say, write what you know/obsessively think about when you should be PAYING ATTENTION TO THE ROAD. From there, in 2018, I decided to enshrine the biggest dicks in the history of cinema. But not the kind you're probably thinking about. 

What started with Fisti's monument to wanking it, has blossomed into a blogathon, more or less, mostly about sex. And while I'm more than all for it, for me, in what will likely be the last time I ever create a Mt. Rushmore of anything, I think it's about time I just straight-up bottom out. And while I wish that was code for the Mt. Rushmore of Great Asses, though heavily (/desperately) considered, it isn't. Instead, I'm going to fight all the sexy, with something decidedly unsexy.

May I present to you, dear reader(s?), with the Mt. Rushmore of Horrible Sex Scenes.

(and if you haven't figured it out by now, well, this one ain't exactly for the wee ones)


As a kid, movies were a sneak peek into the supposed adult world of sex. Initially, like many of you, these scenes were the time when uh, I'm gonna get a drink (watching with my parents), or a bit later on, yo, pause it right there (watching with my older brothers, friends). But then, as I got older, they were equal parts titillating and educational, you know? Oh, so that's what it's like.

Ladies, let's be honest. Hairy guys, for real?

No. Unless I've been doing it very wrong all these years (likely), it's not. The following films are the absolute worst of the worst sex scenes, for a variety of all-encompassing reasons. While the competition for most horrible sex scene was vigorous (and set to some inexpensive-to-license music), good thing the whole things was over quickly, and nobody lost their shirt.

Honorable Mention: This side section of the monument goes to MacGruber, which actually has two, yes, two, increasingly awful sex scenes. The one pictured is rather unfortunate, as like many a roll in the hay, it primarily takes place solely in the head of some pathetic dude. Sure, we should all foster using your imagination, just, uh, only when your pants are on. File this one under Intentionally Horrible Sex Scenes. See Also: Team America: World Police (2004), Naked Gun (1988) and that one scene in Harold and Kumar when he f--ks a giant bag of weed.

Are we, uh, warmed up? Good. Let's break out the hammer and chisels and carve this motherf--ker.

Not even the Bell could save her.

1. Showgirls (1995) While I wasn't old enough to see this one theatrically (I was 16, dammit), it turns out I dodged a giant Elizabeth Berkely-sized bullet. When I finally managed to catch this f--ker on VHS, it was so impossibly bad, it was almost impressive. While the above flicks in the Honorable Mention category were in on the joke, I'm not entirely sure Jessie Spano was. And obviously, the sex scene to end all sex (scenes) was whatever the Hell happened in that Las Vegas pool. File this one under That's Not How It's Supposed to Look. See Also: any movie where the woman keeps her bra on.

Dammit, Jim! It's exactly what it looks like.

2. American Pie (1998)  Obviously, this one is played for laughs, but ol' Jim's sexual awakening represents all the horrible sex scenes in movies... that weren't with other people. And yes, I know this is from the uncut version, but it's only marginally worse than what we saw in theaters. File this one under That Doesn't Go There (Does it?). See Also: guy vs. bear suit in The Shining (1980), some inexplicable scene I couldn't track down in Crash (1996) (an open leg wound? are you f--king kidding me?) and just about any sex scene in a Lars von Trier film.

No lie, they even released a Director's Cut...

3. The Getaway (1994) While actually not a bad scene (compared to the rest of this list), what has always rubbed me the wrong (/totally right) way about this scene (or any in this film), is that supposedly Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, married at the time, were actually having sex. Like, they closed the set, removed the crew, and filmed doing the deed with remote cameras. Wait, what? They didn't want anybody watching ... as they filmed themselves having sex ... for a movie...THAT WAS GOING TO BE RELEASED THEATRICALLY??? What the f--king f--k is this? And honestly, between you and me (not the crew - f--k those guys), everything about this makes me increasingly perplexed. I'm sure there had to be a time when they went to a screening, right? And then they watched people watching them have sex. Gross. Yeah, but at least the crew wasn't there that day. File this under, I Was Hoping You Faked It. See Also: (supposedly) Don't Look Now (1973), The Brown Bunny (2003) and just about every porno ever.

Let's just say... there's a lot to digest in this GIF selection.

4. Oldboy (2003) There's not much (I want) to say about this scene, but just know that if there was ever an actual monument to Horrible Movie Sex, Oldboy might be on it all four times. The scene that most haunts me (and everyone, let's be honest) is such a dick punch, I'm not even sure I've ever fully gotten over it. And while I really, really loved this movie (it utterly wrecked me) despite the aforementioned awfulness, the next few people I insisted needed to see it, well, they basically never spoke to me again (and one of them was my younger brother). File this under Not Only Do I Never Want to Have Sex Again, But I Also Quit Life. See Also: Pink Flamingos (1972) and Nymphomaniac vol. 1 (2013).

While this post may have (hopefully) finally cooled your incessant lusting for all things...cinematic, obviously, all this boner-killing was by design. Because tomorrow, when I post the links to the other monuments?

You might want to be under the covers when you open your lap...top.