Thursday, March 2, 2017

Is this some kind of bust?

A special thanks to my wife (and her boobs) for making this rad banner.
I resurrected The Mt. Rushmore of Movies as a way to once again share something with the fantastic group of bloggers I write with (and frankly, for). Three years ago, I wanted to pay tribute to them with a monument built to being a clutch neighbor. Those fellow bloggers, in my mind, were the cinematic equivalent of people who would undoubtedly lend you a cup of sugar (that sounds waaaaaay dirtier than in should), and I wanted to honor that bond. To this day, I truly value them because they inspire me to keep going when I think I should just pack it in. Hell, sometimes it's feels like I borderline love them.

[insert Happy Days studio-audience style Awwww...]

But while they might be loved, this year's monument is well, erected, for something I have always loved and will always love. 

Boobs.

Wow. You're still here? Well, then. Let's proceed.

While it would have been easy/totall f--king impossible to simply go with the four sweetest racks in movie history, I have decided my monument is truly a monument for everyone. Man, woman and even beast, can all get out of a rusty Winnebago and take a deep breath at the sexy glory that is The Mt. Rushmore of Boobs. Not only are the four cemented figures legends in their own right, but each is representative of an entire genre of jugs, a treasure trove of ta-tas, a menagerie of melons, if you will.

Now, please, watch your step. And also where you point that thing, goodness.


Three hands? I wish I had two faces.
1. Mary, the three-breasted hooker from Total Recall (1990). While maybe an unorthodox selection, this fine lady of the evening is legendary in boob history. Not only was she one of the first topless women I, uh, recall (hi-five, anyone? Anyone?), she also has 50 percent more titties than anyone walking this or any other planet. Her inclusion is an ode to all the boobs we're not sure we should be looking at, but can't seem to turn away from, either. See Also: the hottest dead lady ever in Thir13en Ghosts, or any sexy humanoid girl from galaxies far, far away.

Uh, for you to take your top off. Patiently.
2. Julie, I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997). I graduated high school in 1997, so these are breasts I hold very close to my...pants. I don't really recall much about Julie's plight against that angry longshoreman, but I can vividly remember all the low-cut tops and incessant jiggling that rode shotgun to her struggles. Honestly, it's hard to care about yet another senseless death of one of her good friends, when all I'm thinking about is murdering my wiener as soon as the movie's over. Julie, and to a great extent the actress who played her, Jennifer Love Hewitt, is to be enshrined in my mountain to represent all the boobs you hope to actually see, but never are given the chance toSee Also: Megan Fox, Jessica Alba, Jessica Simpson, and other 'classy' ladies.


No argument here.
3. Isabelle, The Dreamers (2003). I actually have little memory of anything about this film (though I promised my then-girlfriend, It's supposed to be good!), other than the fact that this French woman I'd never seen before was seemingly naked all the time. And while some of the nude scenes were less than savory, Eva Green's amazing body was the direct opposite. Her impressive (and all-natural) breasts, are quite literally top shelf and deserve their place on this, or frankly any monument. Green is the pinnacle of mainstream boobage, and seems damn near determined to unleash the hounds. Her inclusion is a nod to the actresses who seem to enjoy showing their boobs in film. I know, I know, it's essential to the story - right. Yeah, and my pants fell off on their own accord. See Also: Anne Hathaway, Angelina Jolie, Kate Winslet and for you old-schoolers, Shannon Tweed.


They're called boobs, Ed.
4. Robert 'Bob' Paulson, Fight Club (1999). Since I know some of you ladies like an ample chest as much as the next guy, I figured you lovely individuals should have a better reason to step outside at the Mt. Rushmore of Boobs, other than to stretch your legs. Now, look, I understand you'd probably like a little more muscle, a little less mammory, than Big Bob's bitch-tits, but these hooters are truly legendary. Sure, I could have went with that time when Chris Evans came out of the machine as Captain America, or Daniel Craig skulking about in those blue nut-huggers in Casino Royale, but I feel like Bob's sweet bosom should be preserved forever. I mean, he had a name! for f--k's sake. Bob represents (man) boobs we can all admire (in public!) in something other than a rated-R movie. See Also: Hugh Jackman, that one time Jake Gyllenhaal got all roided up, and Mark Wahlberg.

Thank you so much for reading, and an even bigger, sweatier thanks to all those great blogs/writers who participated! I hope we're still friends, ladies (I'm going to assume Dell and I are still cool). Be sure to come back tomorrow, to see what intelligent people wrote. We've got some really great entries, like the aforementioned boobs, to celebrate. - m.brown

18 comments:

  1. Nothing bettee to start the morning than reading this hilarious yet insightful post of yours.. boobs.. I do appriciate them, I appriciate mine the most but I do not shy away from looking at others. Though I must admit, Dakota's in Fifty Shades are annoying the hell out of me.... stupid franchise.

    Can I also just take a moment and think about the fact that I went to first grade in 96 while you finished high school in 97.. because I always thought you to be a little younger and then I realised I'm almost 30.. oh well, bummed myself out with that realization.

    Thank you so so much for creating such a lovely blogathon and it was an honor to participate! See you next year.. or in 3 years! :)

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    1. PS: I like Eva Green's boobs the most, though Bob's man boobs have a certain element of comfort to them that no other man-chest has ever managed to portray.

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    2. This was the perfect comment to wake up to! I agree with everything you said in the opening paragraph...well, except the part about your...okay, nevermind.

      Bummer yourself out? Really? What about me? Thanks for the vicious dickpunch that you were just completed SECOND GRADE when I was walking the stage in high school. My son is in second grade!!! I might as well get some bad sunglasses and a van, you know, to better lure young girls into my underground sex-bunker, I feel like such a creep now. Yikes.

      Thank you soooooo much for participating! And your comments today (on the other reviews were fantastic!!!!)! Brilliant!

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    3. PPS: I'm with you entirely. Green's are like a fancy meal at a luxury hotel. Bob's? Bobs are like dinner at grandma's house.

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  2. LOL this is amazing!

    The Dreamers is a very good movie, you should give it another shot.

    Another great boob performance - Kelli Garner in Dreamland (or really, anything she's in because those two are hard to contain)

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    1. Thank you, thank you.

      I really don't remember much about, except that I think I was sweating during it. No lie, I think I was uncomfortable or something, likely because my now-wife was sitting there, like 'what the f--k is this?'. I also think there were some other people watching with us....? But regardless, I think you're right. ANOTHER SHOT IT WILL BE GIVEN.

      But first, the Dreamland thing must be conquered. I don't even know who Kelli Garner is, but I'm sold....[checks Google]...[searching, searching]...GOOD GOD.

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  3. Your kind and loving words had me tearing up a little, and now I'm just full on crying because this is the most amazing blogathon entry, no, POST that I've ever read!

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    1. Oh, dear. It appears I have drastically overshot, as I was aiming for 'not totally sucking ass' and now you say best post ever? Welp, time to shut this site down forever.

      Thank you so much for the kind words and the rad blogathon entry! You are the best!

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  4. This was a great read. Your writing style is quick and witty and pretty hilarious. Your picks are wonderful and I couldn't agree more with the I Know What You Did Last Summer comment, it's a cinematic goldmine for bouncing busts. I enjoyed reading this a lot and I'm really glad I came across this blogathon!

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    1. Hahaha...thanks. I'm very stoked that someone's with me on the inclusion of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Truly a goldmine indeed. But a frustrating one, dang it.

      Super glad you participated and absolutely loved your entry!

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  5. #4 ... I love that so much. I did not see that coming.

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    1. Thank you.

      But trust me, Steph. You'd definitely see those coming.

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  6. Greatest. Post. Ever.

    I mean, you snuck in a Shannon Tweed mention! The only thing(s) that could have made it better was the inclusion of Kate Upton in The Other Woman. The movie is terrible, and so is her...um..."acting." On the other hand, she jiggles and jiggles and jiggles and...you get the picture.

    By the way, I'm thinking of having you charged with attempted murder. After all, I nearly died reading this because I was simultaneously throwing up in my mouth while holding in hysterical laughter once I got to Bob's man-boobs. That was a Nolan Ryan quality curve ball.

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    1. Thank. You. Dell.

      I'm not sure any of the ladies understand the importance of Shannon Tweed in the lives of many, many men, but if anyone deserves a monument (or an acknowledgement), it may just be Ms. Tweed.

      I bailed on The Other Woman....for some reason, and that's surprising...because, uh, I love a good jiggling (take that any way you want).

      I was always a fan of the Ryan Express. Guilty as charged.

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  7. Oh god bless you. Here I was feeling like such a creep after my tweets and RF after seeing Logan and there u go writing about "murdering your wiener" :)

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    1. Hallelujah!

      I think we're both equally creepy in the public admittance of what we'd do to our um, selves in a given post-movie situation...but that's what makes us awesome.

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    2. Get back to me on that "equally" when next RF drops in 2 days :)

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    3. I still have to get over the last RF first.

      And yes, I guess you win the whole perv contest. Fine. I just imagine many more people accept mental images of a lovely lady, uh...enjoying herself, you know? Everyone supports that. But some old dude whacking it? So much less savory.

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