No peaches at our house. It's a forbidden fruit.

F--k the rich. F--k those smug devils in their perfectly bleached buttholes. I hope they all drown doing the backstroke in their f--king money bins. That's how we're supposed to feel, right? Even if they worked hard, they can eat shit and die, those arrogant pricks.

Okay, fine. Not the ones that give back, they're cool. Well, assuming they give enough back.

While we're at it, f--k the poor, too. Those lazy do-nothings, mooching off everyone else. I hope you jobless shitheads choke to death on those lobster dinners that my tax dollars paid for.

Well, not all the poor. You guys out there struggling to get by, but trying to make ends meet? You guys are okay with me. Uh, assuming you're trying your absolute best.

Honestly, rich? Poor? *sniffs the air* The whole f--king thing stinks.

I don't consider myself all that athletic, but I avoided Parasite spoilers like a mother--king ninja. After months in fancy theaters filled with bespectacled gentlemen and ladies in short skirts and long jackets, Saturday, February 1st was the second day that Bong Joon-ho's masterpiece was available to be seen in the hellhole I live in. Frankly, I've never been more excited to go to the theater. Ever.

Making something already tasty even tastier, my wife was able to come with me and knew even less than I did. We went in completely blind, but now, along with the rest of the world, our eyes are open. Wide open.

When we meet the Kim family, they appear to be a likable, though severely downtrodden foursome. Content with stealing wifi during gaps of folding pizza boxes for a living, fortune finally smiles on them when brother/son Ki-woo runs into an old friend, Min-hyuk. This dude, not only offers Ki-woo something called the scholar stone, but also a lucrative position as a tutor for a nearby wealthy family. The catch? Min-hyuk plans on asking the girl out when she turns 18, so hit the books, yeah? Just not the sheets.

Seems like a reasonable enough request...



Being that I knew absolutely nothing, this salacious situation seemed to be where the potential parasite-ing could take place, but holy shit, that wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. Soon Ki-woo, posing as the highly-qualified Kevin, infiltrates not only Min-hyuk's relationship but just about every aspect of the young girl's family. And he doesn't do it alone.

One of these people absolutely sucks at making pizza boxes.

From there, depending on where you're sitting, it's a series of (carefully orchestrated) unfortunate events, each more startling than the one prior. Eventually, you can see it all coming, but the inevitability of what's going to happen only enhances the entire experience. These bumbling loafers we once knew and liked, have morphed into top-tier con artists we love unconditionally. Even if the family they're ruining, ultimately hasn't done anything wrong. *sniff, sniff* Fine, almost nothing wrong.

From the first minute, Parasite is a sublimely killer tale of rich versus poor (I'd say class warfare but I think espionage might be more fitting). Bong Joon-Ho, with one of the greatest scripts of my cinematic lifetime, deftly pushes us into a swamp-like abyss of morality head f--king first, where the bad guys are actually kind of good and the good guys are beyond f--king terrible (I'll let you decide who's who). I'd love to discuss it further, but I'll go ahead and hide my inability to articulate actual thoughts by saying, well, but I'd hate to spoil anything for you.

Speaking of things that will ruin the surprise and the rest of your day, here are the Yays and Boos. I wish I could be one of those a-holes that have been all over Joon-Ho's filmography, but I'm instead one of those a-holes that have never seen any of his other movies. Well, other than The Host. I'll start watching his films in order, immediately. In fact, I'll do it the best way to do just about anything, clockwise.

The symbolism isn't all that subtle here, huh?

Yaaaaaaaaay!

• I've been going back and forth for the last couple of days, but I'm thinking Sister is the family MVP. And it's not just because she's sexy, either. Not only is her hustle top-shelf, but her dope Photoshop skills are also off the charts (Dad might win in a recount)
• That f--king house is bananas. Honestly, it was cool as Hell when I only knew about uh, the main part.
• Oh, and my favorite room? The kids. I mean, it's the least they could do for such a budding artist/bloodhound.
• That panty-drop maneuver was was too slick. Figuratively, perverts. Figuratively.
• Holy shit, that post-party conversation was so awesome.
• Usually, I like my piss fights in regular speed. Usually.
• As much as I enjoy love and happiness and joy and rainbow sprinkles in movies, f--k me, do I love the tension and overwhelming dread. And here, in this movie? They are serving that shit up with a shovel. Toward the end, just when you can't think it can't be any more suffocating, it somehow, magically, gets infinitely worse. And that's before the f--king backyard party...Jeeez.
• Judging by her reaction, I think it was my wife that hit the wall at the base of the stairs, but either way, that body check was f--king epic.
• Has there ever been a worse/better sex scene in cinematic history? I wanted to leave the theater and throw myself in front of a bus, it was so wonderfully uncomfortable....(but, and I will never forget this, I have never forgotten the time back in high school when some poor dude got up during a nude scene and somebody yelled THAT GUY'S GONNA GO JERK OFF! and everybody laughed their asses off)
• And finally, there are just too many moments to list, but that f--king party at the end is truly the stuff of legend, especially considering this film would go on to win Best Picture. Parasite is incredibly f--ked up for the first three-quarters, sure, but the finale is nothing short of pure chaos. I know this f--ker is classified as a thriller (or is it a dark comedy?), but that last bit, for me, files this one directly under Horror.

All she ever wanted...
...was to host an unforgettable party.

Boooooooo!

• I'd love to knock Ki-woo for moving in on his friend's younger girlfriend while he was away, but...high school was a weird time for a lot of us.
• They did everyone (and I do mean everyone) dirty, but I think I felt the most beat up for Driver Guy. Was it just me, or did that guy seem alright?
• That peach-fuzz shit was awful. Clever, yes. But so f--king terrible, too.
• They all smell the same. Well, f--k you, Detective.
• I don't know, guys, maybe you could get a little more comfortable? Is that even possible? This was stressing me out like a motherf--ker as it was, and then...
• ...we'll be there in eight minutes. Like, I started to clean up my theater chair I was so freaked out.
• The way the floods were handled (and referred to) was nothing short of poetic. But the actual ground-level, um, shit of it all was anything but. (guys, what the f--k was coming out of that toilet? Wait, I know this one: actual Hell)
• And finally, it will baffle me for the rest of my life that people still -to this day- refuse to watch a movie with subtitles. How is that, as an adult, even remotely something you'd publicly admit? Yeah, you know that skill that most six-year-olds have mastered? There's no f--king way I could do that for two hours. 

In my experience, it's not how much money you have (or don't have) that makes me f--king hate you, it all comes down to how you treat people. In my forty-plus years, I've been treated like shit by both the rich and the poor, so I'm not really in any position to choose sides or make any blanket statements. And being that I have basically zero sense of smell?

I'll be making no rude gestures, either.