Well done, lad.

Every year, my dad travels from Hawai'i to spend his Christmas Break with my family in Pennsylvania. And every year, him and I carve out two hours or so to go to exactly one film. Typically we leave it up to chance, but this year I knew exactly what the film was going to be.

Two weeks before he was supposed to board the plane, he suffered a major tear in his aorta. Something called an aortic dissection. Not only weren't we going to see a movie, but it felt like we weren't going to see each other. Uh, ever again. It got to the point where I was terrified of my phone, because any chirp, buzz or alarm was going to signal something terrible had happened. Living in a heightened state...ain't really living at all.

Somehow though, he made it. Though he's not likely ever to be out of the woods, this slight progress? Well, we're gonna classify as pure f--king bonus. Because, frankly?

The whole situation is totally f--ked.

1917 is a very simple story, told in the most [technically] complex way possible. Set on April 6th (the day America joined the war), director Sam Mendes' masterclass in film-making is essentially a two-hour journey from point A to point B. And it's un-effing believable.

Given the vague orders of grab a mate and go see the general, young Lance Corporal Blake enlists his friend, the slightly more battle-hardened Lance Corporal Schofield to join him.

What could have been a meeting about something minor, turns out to be one that will have major consequences for both. Their orders are to deliver a message to the Western front, where 1,600 men are heading into a trap laid by the allegedly retreating Germans. If Blake and Schofield don't make it, or are too late, the entire battalion will be killed, with Blake's older brother among the casualties.

From there, like, immediately from that moment, Blake and Schofield are off at an absolute breakneck pace. While there are moments where these two get to discuss the validity of recognition or perhaps share a funny story, otherwise they are, rightfully so, on high alert at all times. But they weren't the only ones. Despite not much happening, I'm convinced that if they had been placed in further peril, World War might have claimed another naive soul.

Mine.

While some have said the movie is essentially a beautiful gimmick, the technical wizardry would mean nothing if we didn't care so much about these two young men. And while I was absolutely astounded by the seamless (and relentless) nature of the camera work and visuals, they weren't what kept me so painfully clenched for two hours. 

Though we've known them just a couple of minutes, seeing ourselves in Blake and Schofield is effortless. Obviously, they're in the absolute thick of it, but war is so easily a symbol for all conflicts we face, it's impossible to not identify with one (or both) of these men. In over our heads, along for the ride, thrust into something we've no say in, Hell, trying to help a friend? Whatever crisis you've ever found yourself in - it's all here. And that's if you've time to step back for a second. But as anyone who has seen this film knows, you're not given that second. 

Ever. And that's the absolute beauty/f--k of it all, you know?

Speaking of time you don't have, here are the Yays and Boos. I've no choice but to load them up with spoilers, so unlike Blake and Schofield, consider yourself...warned.

I'm convinced this dude is a long-lost Weasly.
(translation: I will forever love George Mackay)

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• So, everything Hell, war is awful and I hate everythi-- but there's a dog! Aww.
• Nothing like a strip of ribbon to cheer up a widow.
• The dude in charge at the front was the right kind of intense (even though his attitude was [rightfully] shit, I still loved this guy). Cross at the dead horses. Don't get shot. Let us know you're not dead. 
• The plane crash scene was f--king incredible. They're just kind of casually watching a dogfight and then -like that- they're part of it.
• Mark Strong shows up and, for a minute, everything was going to be okay. 
• Even if it was only a minute, I very much appreciated what Gabriel Akuwudike brought at Private Buchanan. 
• My God, never in my life did I consider the fact that some gung-ho general would be like f--k all that when given orders to fall back. The tip to make sure people are around is wild, but appreciated.
• How stunning were those shots with the flares?
• Yes, I was nervous the entire time they were talking, sure, but also yes did I absolutely love the scene where Schofield meets that young French woman with the baby. It was so sobering, but also kind of lovely in a way, too. (it also makes the ending much more of a gut punch [which I always appreciate])
• I don't think there's a more harrowingly beautiful scene in recent than that soldier singing Wayfaring Stranger in the woods. Pretty sure I held my breath the entire time.
• I realize that a lot of war films are staunchly anti-war, but the way Colonel Mackenzie handles the orders that Schofield has risked everything for was a flawless summation of how f--ked up all of this is. We've spent two-plus hours living and dying with/for Scholfield and this f--king guy is basically like you've done shit, none of this will matter in the morning, and it would be great if you could immediately f--k off.
• The ending was perfect.
• And finally, I can't honestly fathom how they did this. Not in the least. As a visual experience, few films have ever left my overwhelmingly amazed. It may not sound like a compliment, but the entire production was distracting it was so f--king stellar.

Boooooooooo!

• That initial climb up the ladder was so f--king intense. Like, I didn't want them to go. At all.
• F--k me, not only does Schofield cut his hand, what he does with it next? F--k. That.
• Friends, that was the biggest jump of my entire film-going life. I know my body recoiled to the left. I'm not sure what my arms did. Those f--kers were on their own.
• Oh, and then we're going to follow up that with a blind jump. I legit almost called for a time-out.
• I haven't seen all the Best Picture films (screw you, I've got...three days), but no way is there a bigger villain than that f--king German pilot. I hate him 3000.
• While I was a bit relieved that those dudes showed up to help Schofield, there was a part of me that was kind of pissed that they didn't give him a minute, you know?
• They shoot the cows? The f--k?
• It wasn't as big as the first incident, but there was definitely another moment that had my heart firmly entrenched in my throat. Let's just say it started at the bridge crossing...and then just kept getting worse.
• How do you say, no, seriously...shut the f--k up in German? Because that kid was a proper asshole...
• And finally, the whole river bit was almost too much to handle, if I'm being honest. Our guy jumps in the river, nearly drowns, heads over the falls, smashes into a rock, sees something beautiful moments before seeing the worst thing ever. They all float down there.

In a bit of a twist ending, I ended up flying across the country (and the Pacific) to spend some time with my dad after all. And as we've always done, after a few days together (and a few doctor appointments), of course we headed to the movies. 

Even though I had already seen it with my wife, I figured the old man would be thrilled with 1917. 

But then I started to think about what I was doing. My dad's heart is bad. Like, real bad. And I'm taking him to a movie with two HUGE scares in it. Holy shit...what if it kills him? 

So...I give him a heads up. Nothing too specific. Just a warning. And it turns out, according to my dad, he did almost die during the film.

Of boredom.