COVID-19 Cinema: Animal Planet (7)

Shocking no one, there's not a lot of planning taking place at Two Dollar Cinema. Not a lot of coherence, either. During quarantine, the only thing I've done is to shorten and combine posts. Watch two movies, write one post. Simple enough, right? Right.

So, to try and challenge myself in some small way, I've told myself, see if you can connect the two films. Completely on accident, and without the slightest hint of calculated thought, I present you to the ultimate double-feature of...people turned into animals. Uh, unwillingly turned into animals, that is.

Film: Spies in Disguise
Runtime: 102 min   Rating: PG
Audience: Four began, two finished
Status: Giddy

I'm gonna science all over your face.

My younger brother, when he was a kid, would have readily told you Will Smith was his movie hero. My son, currently a little kid, would say the same thing about Tom Holland. Even if it's just their voices, having these two icons together in the same movie is nothing short of fantastic. Especially when the movie is so unrelentingly silly. 

Checking all the boxes of modern animated flicks, we've got a misunderstood kid with a heart of gold and, you guessed it, a dead parent. Walter's wicked smaht, and grows up to be the guy (way) behind the guy at a top-secret spy facility. Inadvertently paired with ace agent Lance Sterling, Walter's predilection for non-violence doesn't jive with Lance's fighting fire with fire approach, so the two were already at odds, um, before Walter turns Lance into an adorable pigeon.

Together they have to stop Ben Mendelsohn's Killian, a one-handed cyborg-ish dude determined to wipe out all undercover agents across the globe. Nothing in the script is all that unique until the pigeons enter the fray, and the movie takes off into a ridiculous romp, that should crack you up on more than one occasion. I found myself laughing consistently, and was stoked at how perfectly stupid some of the gags were. Oh, and that Jason Bourne reference? *chef's kiss*

Yay: The fat, naked boneless guy bit was a frickin' hilarious. Hahaha...jeez...I'm still laughing, in fact.
Boo: Yeah, I might be playing myself, but for some reason, I hate that DJ Khaled has a role here.
Homeschool Lesson of the Day: Yeah, bullets and explosions might get the job done, but have you tried kittens and glitter?

I'm not sure what's creepier, Michael Park's performance
 or Long's mustache...

Film: Tusk
Runtime: 102 min   Rating: R
Audience: Just me (and my dread)
Status: Flabbergasted

Sadness was made by the U.S.A.

I knew, but I didn't know. It was late, I needed something short, and the little Netflix summary thing was intriguing enough, so screw it, let's watch Tusk. It's written by Kevin Smith, I mean, how f'd up could it be. Oh.

Ohhhhhhhh.

Apparently, there's some history to this film's existence/creation, but I haven't read any of that yet, because that would require my eyeballs, and they haven't quite recovered yet. Ears, too.

For the pleasantly unaware, Tusk is aboot a douchey podcaster who heads to Canada in an attempt to interview the latest viral sensation. Unfortunately, the kid in question killed himself and that's probably the nicest thing going in this flick. From there, said podcaster finds himself interviewing some weirdo in a haunted house and let's just say things go from zero to arrh arrh arrh real fast.

Those were walrus noises, by the way. Just in case you were...nevermind...

Yay: Though it seems impossible on paper, Genesis Rodriguez extreme loveliness balances out all the awful taking place (though she should have dumped Wallace's ass faster than Walt Flanagan's dog).
Boo: For almost forty one years, I never once considered what it would look like if man was haphazardly turned into a walrus. Now? I'm not sure I can think of anything but.
Common Thread (Adult Lesson of the Day): They say if you work hard, you can be anything you want to be. But if you let someone else do all the work? You can be anything they want you to be.