Back when movie theaters were an option, occasionally, and this isn't something I'm necessarily proud of, I wouldn't go. No, not in the obvious sense of not going-not going, more the idea of buying a ticket with the specific intention of doing something entirely different. While I'm sure that seems f--king stupid on many fronts (it is), hear me out. Regal Cinemas, my home away from home, often runs a promotion where if you see a certain number of films, you get a certain number of films.
But, of course, you gotta see them all. See 4, Get 4. You see only three? F--k you and the horse you rode in on. Fine, you get a free small popcorn, but still. Anyhow, there were times when catching all four wasn't in the cards, so I'd grab a ticket and the head the f--k home. At least I'll eventually get to see it, right? Right.
Even if it totally sucks ass.
Film: Countdown (2019)
Runtime: 90 min Rating: PG-13
Audience: Just me
Status: Not on my phone
It's just an app.
Countdown, to its credit, doesn't f--k around. We're less than two minutes in, and these college/high-school types are already dowloading the app that tells you the exact moment you're going to die. Now, if this were the eighties, we'd have already had a sex and/or shower scene, but what this film lacks in salaciousness, it makes up in brevity. And shockingly...brutality.
See, it's not really clear how you're going to die, just when, and if you somehow do something you shouldn't (for example, don't drive home with your clearly intoxicated boyfriend), you, and I wish I were kidding, violate the terms and conditions. So not only does the app predict your death, it also assumes you're a total f--king moron, entirely opposed to self-preservation. Though, the way we use our phones, that might not be such a leap.
Shit, speaking of leaps, even if you have zero interest in this movie, let me tell you, the first two deaths are tremendous. It's unclear why one would hit the ledge of their bathtub as if dropped from a f--king plane, but apparently, you can't avoid death...even if you totally did. Think Final Destination, minus all the clever shit that will eventually kill you. Here, you don't slip on the shampoo in the tub. You just get dropped on your head in the bathroom. FROM SPACE.
Yay: Push notifications are accompanied by the best worst sound ever. Like, might want to mute that.
Boo: Peter Facinelli plays Dr. Sullivan, a nice enough guy, until you give him a boner.
Homeschool Lesson of the Day: One way or another, that phone is going to kill you.
Film: Peppermint
Runtime: 101 min Rating: R
Audience: Me (~5 mins of wife)
Status: Baffled, appalled, thrilled
Put that bitch in a box before sunset.
If anyone ever killed my wife and kids, I don't know what I'd do. Well, check that: I didn't know what to do.
According to one of the rottenest tomato'd films I own (digitally, mind you), all I gotta do is flee the hospital after getting shot in the head myself, disappear for five years, show up on some underground cage-fighting videos -and boom - return the scene of the crime and execute every last one of them. Oh, and I have to move to skid row. Hell, if that's the case, way ahead of you.
On Twitter today, someone was discussing the idea of a Miracle Film, something that should't exist but does (they were arguing for Fury Road, I was supporting the mention of Moulin Rouge!), and I think Peppermint might need to make the list. Truth be told, it's more like a miraculous turd. Like, you can't believe how big one piece of shit can be, and you're oddly proud (and relieved) that it got released. Jennifer Garner - who I genuinely like - must have had to pay back the Devil for those dimples, that or she helped Affleck finance that epid back tattoo. Either way, Peppermint is so bad, I almost had to go with the full length post. Almost.
Yay: Garner fully embraces the insanity of the role, and I think it's best captured in an epic head fist dive off the catwalk in a pinata factory. That, of the idea that she's basically playing Mexican Doom.
Boo: Many classic films feature that moment where the good guy threatens the bad guy over a walkie-talkie, phone, or whatever, and it's just the best thing ever. Liam Neeson's speech in Taken comes to mind. But friends, I think Peppermint now holds the record for the best one ever. For real. Jennifer Garner, looking like a homeless combination of Phoebe, Rachel and Monica, tells the crime boss, rather calmly, I'm going to shoot you in your f--king face.
Common Thread (Adult Lesson of the Day): Sometimes good women have to do bad things (in shit movies).
But, of course, you gotta see them all. See 4, Get 4. You see only three? F--k you and the horse you rode in on. Fine, you get a free small popcorn, but still. Anyhow, there were times when catching all four wasn't in the cards, so I'd grab a ticket and the head the f--k home. At least I'll eventually get to see it, right? Right.
Even if it totally sucks ass.
 |
| Okay, fine. That poster is moderately clever. |
Runtime: 90 min Rating: PG-13
Audience: Just me
Status: Not on my phone
It's just an app.
Countdown, to its credit, doesn't f--k around. We're less than two minutes in, and these college/high-school types are already dowloading the app that tells you the exact moment you're going to die. Now, if this were the eighties, we'd have already had a sex and/or shower scene, but what this film lacks in salaciousness, it makes up in brevity. And shockingly...brutality.
See, it's not really clear how you're going to die, just when, and if you somehow do something you shouldn't (for example, don't drive home with your clearly intoxicated boyfriend), you, and I wish I were kidding, violate the terms and conditions. So not only does the app predict your death, it also assumes you're a total f--king moron, entirely opposed to self-preservation. Though, the way we use our phones, that might not be such a leap.
Shit, speaking of leaps, even if you have zero interest in this movie, let me tell you, the first two deaths are tremendous. It's unclear why one would hit the ledge of their bathtub as if dropped from a f--king plane, but apparently, you can't avoid death...even if you totally did. Think Final Destination, minus all the clever shit that will eventually kill you. Here, you don't slip on the shampoo in the tub. You just get dropped on your head in the bathroom. FROM SPACE.
Yay: Push notifications are accompanied by the best worst sound ever. Like, might want to mute that.
Boo: Peter Facinelli plays Dr. Sullivan, a nice enough guy, until you give him a boner.
Homeschool Lesson of the Day: One way or another, that phone is going to kill you.
 |
| The more I look at these pictures, the more I'm convinced... ...this is the best movie ever made. |
Runtime: 101 min Rating: R
Audience: Me (~5 mins of wife)
Status: Baffled, appalled, thrilled
Put that bitch in a box before sunset.
If anyone ever killed my wife and kids, I don't know what I'd do. Well, check that: I didn't know what to do.
According to one of the rottenest tomato'd films I own (digitally, mind you), all I gotta do is flee the hospital after getting shot in the head myself, disappear for five years, show up on some underground cage-fighting videos -and boom - return the scene of the crime and execute every last one of them. Oh, and I have to move to skid row. Hell, if that's the case, way ahead of you.
On Twitter today, someone was discussing the idea of a Miracle Film, something that should't exist but does (they were arguing for Fury Road, I was supporting the mention of Moulin Rouge!), and I think Peppermint might need to make the list. Truth be told, it's more like a miraculous turd. Like, you can't believe how big one piece of shit can be, and you're oddly proud (and relieved) that it got released. Jennifer Garner - who I genuinely like - must have had to pay back the Devil for those dimples, that or she helped Affleck finance that epid back tattoo. Either way, Peppermint is so bad, I almost had to go with the full length post. Almost.
Yay: Garner fully embraces the insanity of the role, and I think it's best captured in an epic head fist dive off the catwalk in a pinata factory. That, of the idea that she's basically playing Mexican Doom.
Boo: Many classic films feature that moment where the good guy threatens the bad guy over a walkie-talkie, phone, or whatever, and it's just the best thing ever. Liam Neeson's speech in Taken comes to mind. But friends, I think Peppermint now holds the record for the best one ever. For real. Jennifer Garner, looking like a homeless combination of Phoebe, Rachel and Monica, tells the crime boss, rather calmly, I'm going to shoot you in your f--king face.
Common Thread (Adult Lesson of the Day): Sometimes good women have to do bad things (in shit movies).
I haven't seen either of these. I'm still recovering from Trolls World Tour.
ReplyDeleteYou aren't missing much. I could be watching quality shit, but I'm just going with the dumbest, shortest junk I can find. Though to be fair, I had *enough* fun with each... so there's that??
DeleteAll that fun really got you, huh? I understand.