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Sunday, April 12, 2020

COVID-19 Cinema: He's PISSED. (4)

The children have abandoned me.

The brightly-colored muttering goofballs from Animal Crossing have politely taken Violet. The basketball hoop, the PS4, and unfinished school-work have consumed Matthew. There is no longer any time to sit with Dad and watch a movie. So as a father, I press on. Alone.

What about your wife? She's gone. Long gone, in fact. In the daytime, she's glued to a monitor. At night, she's glued to a pillow. I'd love to watch something with her, but she can't (or won't) stay awake. So I press play. Alone. 

Without a wife and kids, what's a man have to live for? Two things, actually.

1. Death.
2. Destruction.

Top: the Black Skulls...Mid: The worst dick ever
Bot: Cage's Driver License Photo
Regrettably not picturedNic v. Voldo at the flaming car level
Film: Mandy
Runtime: 121 minutes   Rating: R
Audience: Dad, Cheddar Goblin
Status: Delirious

You exude a cosmic darkness.

Well, what in the exact f--k do we have here? Not only do I not remember putting on the old-school 3D glasses, it's a damn shame that both f--king lenses were RED. Fine, that probably didn't really happen, but at this point, I don't know what the f--k did.

Nic Cage stars in what I can only assume is a limited mini-series documenting two days in his actual life. He's trying to go about it quietly, till some Jesus freaks (and obvious future MAGA a-holes) kidnap and horribly execute his wife. In front of him. He (rightfully) snaps, builds a Final Fantasy-style giant axe, does some coke, and absolutely annihilates them. All of them. It's actually pretty goddamned straightforward, but I took some bad acid before pressing play and it looked trippy and borderline incomprehensible as f--k. Oh, that was just a little bit of paper you ripped out of your notebook? Well, it's probably this weed I'm smoking... 

Yay: I was going to go with Bill Duke, but in this film, we need revenge, and oh boy do we get it.
Boo: The final showdown! We had peaked way earlier on, right? Final bosses should be tougher.
Homeschool Lesson of the Day: Sometimes, a man's gotta have a drink and a scream before he puts his pants on.



Top: The ol' 'island prison handshake'... Mid: Arrival gear.
Bottom: Mom v. 'Handsome Mid-Level Boss'
Not pictured: Awesome man-kissing (dumb, but I laughed)
Film: Revenger
Runtime: 101 minutes   Rating: R
Audience: Dad
Status: Pumped

Why always me?!?

You know those damn the best movie on Netflix you've never seen lists? Well, Revenger was on one, and that was just a day after seeing some bananas fight clip from it on Twitter. Whether that constitutes divine intervention, serendipity, or quarantine-induced madness, turned out I was in the mood to see some dudes get kicked in the face, and they f--king did. 

Seems there's some sort of island for criminals, and every so often an even more murderous f--ker washes ashore. Sometimes, he's killed right away, but other times, he's there on a (moderately) honorable mission. I guess when you kill some cop's loving family directly in front of him (feels like a lot of that going around lately), you shouldn't be too surprised when he walks into your compound and kicks the f--k out of everyone. I sure as Hell wasn't (I mean, it's called Revenger for f--k's sake). The action is top-shelf, the story is weird as Hell, but it's on Netflix and you've got the time. 

Yay: The camera never cheats. Especially in the finale, which is beyond (the good kind of) absurd.
Boo: That hunchback legit scared me. Like, I'm pretty sure he knows where I live.
Common Thread (Adult Lesson of the Day): I'm not really good at math, but I ran the numbers: - one wife equals you + your whole crew. Bad guys lie. But numbers don't.

8 comments:

  1. Mandy is so weird. I fell asleep watching it (not because it was boring, I was just really tired) and it was during the scene where that guy had his dick out for an extended period of time and I made my husband rewind it so I could see it 🤣

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    1. Mandy is SOOOOOO weird. I powered through the whole thing though it was so f--ked up, I thought I might succumb to the safety of sleep.

      I wish I didn't know what scene you were talking about. But I do. MY GOD, I DO.

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  2. You should check out Color Out of Space it may actually be weirded than Mandy

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  3. I wasn't crazy about Mandy but it sure was an experience lol

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    1. IT SURE WAS. I actually own it digitally, but can't fathom a day where I go back and take another look. *shudder* And I'm pretty sure I've seen enough of that guy's schlong. Pretty sure.

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  4. I didn't understand one thing going on Mandy except that it was wild as hell. Great production design and cool performances, but I have no idea what the story would be if someone paid me to describe it. lol

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    1. Considering the amount of films we all see, I guess even unfathomable chaos qualifies as a good time, being it's as memorable as it is. Cage is also so awesome, which I will always be on board for.

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