COVID-19 Cinema: Killer Kids (9)

If theaters don't come back, or come back in a way that violently fondles your baggage TSA-style, I'm sure as Hell going to miss them. Though, that's probably utterly f--king obvious as your reading this on my movie blog. 

I'll miss the popcorn and the soda (even though I gave it up), I'll miss the same shitty M&M's commercial from the late 90s, Hell, I'll even miss the guy that haphazardly tears my ticket and then struggles to tell me what side of the hallway theater 9 is on (it's okay, my guy, I'll figure it out). But what I will miss most of all? That screen and those speakers. And the fact that every release...

...will basically be direct-to-video.

Film: The Willoughbys
Runtime: 90 minutes    Rating: PG
Audience: Whole Fam (but only the cool kids finished it)
Status: Initially indifferent

Mother's balls!

I gotta say, I wasn't really feelin' this one from the beginning. I know the times they have a changed, but even the best Netflix stuff still feels like direct-to-video entertainment, you know? And if you're a forty-year old jerk, that ain't exactly a compliment.

But in the case of The Willoughbys, the real drag isn't that it's sucky, second-tier flick animation. Actually, my real gripe is that it was never available to see in theaters, because I'd imagine it would have been a sight to see.

If you don't know, and I sure as Hell didn't, The Willoughbys is a pretty twisted story. There's this family of red-headed oddballs, where the kids are absolutely loathed by their parents. In order for a better life, the kids actually want to be orphaned, and send their parents on an epic vacation that will hopefully kill them. Shocking no one, the plan doesn't exactly work, and ten minutes into the flick, you can pretty much lock down exactly how it'll end. It's all incredibly weird, but fun. And even though it's state-of-the-art visually, The Willoughbys has a very Roald Dahl/Shel Silverstein throwback vibe.

Yay: The Nanny (Rudolph) turns out to be the absolute best character ever, and I didn't see it coming.
Boo: Man, not only is Dad (Martin Short) a giant a-hole, but his throat thing is super unsettling.
Homeschool Lesson of the Day: Sometimes you actually find everything when you lose it all.

Film: In the Tall Grass
Runtime: 101 mins Rating: TV-MA
Audience: Me?
Status: Hanging in...

This is never gonna stop.

If Netflix Exclusive isn't enough of a red flag, the mention that the film your about to watch is also 'based on a Stephen King story', basically lets you know straight away there's a good chance you're totally f--ked. If your life were a (DTV) movie, this is the point where the guy watching in his basement says to himself, I can't believe they just did that.

Which was the same thing I said to myself, in my basement, when Becky and Cal enter a mysterious field off the side of the highway. Oh sure, some little kid sounded like he needed help in the tall grass, but also, f--k that kid. Turns out Becky's got enough to worry about in her own life, the last thing she needs (at six months pregnant) is to try and save somebody else's. Send Cal in solo, right? No one's gonna miss that a-hole.

Like so many King adaptations, I think the idea was there, or at least, most of an idea, but the overall execution falls short. The fear of being lost in some creepy ass grass is portrayed well, but the supernatural force keeping them there is not. Yes, you can't keep the audience in the dark the whole time, but once it's clear what were up against, you should turn the lights on so everyone immediately can leave the theater safely. Awwww, remember leaving theatersssss????

Yay: Even though I hated Cal (Avery Whitted) two seconds in, he does provide a solid WTF moment.
Boo: Shit, Russ, unless you're playing Mortal Kombat, I think you've got finishing your wife all wrong.
Common Thread (Adult Lesson of the Day): Inadvertently or intentionally, kids will be the death of us all.