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Sunday, May 10, 2020

I'm having a birthday party, but you're not invited, but you can come if you want.

I did it. Well, we did it.

Today is Two Dollar Cinema's ninth birthday, and as is the time-honored tradition, it's time to look back on the year that was. Prior to the world-crippling pandemic we currently find ourselves in, this past year was, to put it mildly, an absolute f--king shit show. Wait, what?  Did you just say prior?


Me, recycling the same jokes for almost a decade.
In the past twelve months, my grandmother passed away, my aunt passed away, my wife's grandmother passed away, and what really broke my f--king heart, was the death of my loyal pup, Dodger (his passing came out of nowhere). Writing dumb shit about even dumber movies had been getting harder over the years, and with the constant barrage of grief, it became damn near impossible.

But with the unwavering support of a select group of people (and a little help from my kids, shockingly), I was able to go from hanging it up to hanging in, and managed to keep this train on the tracks. And once again, this post is dedicated to them. But more on that in a bit...

In the last twelve months, I managed seventy new films, which comes out to about every five days. While those numbers may seem slight to some of you, that's actually eleven more than the previous year. Forty three were in the theaters (remember them?), ten were Netflix exclusives, with the rest being a disc I bought or some other streaming service. And whatever the Hell Trolls: World Tour counts as, I'm not really sure (I'll check with Brittani, being that she loved it so much).

For brevity reasons, here are my top ten films from the last year in an order I would best describe as...flexible, followed by my bottom ten films. The word I would use to describe them? Competive.




1. Parasite - Wait. The best movie won Best Picture?
2. Knives Out - The only mystery is how RJ will top this.
3. Avengers: Endgame - I saw it 69 movies ago. Really.
4. 1917 - I thought it might kill my dad. Turns out, he wanted me dead after he saw it.
5. Doctor Sleep - I still haven't watched the Director's Cut, but isn't there some warning about erections that last longer than four hours?
6. Peanut Butter Falcon - Ugly crying would have been something to strive for, as I think my entire face became something unholy by the end of this film.
7. Yesterday - Sure, everyone else hated it, but I've rewatched this f--ker six or seven times and it gets better each time. Jack is my absolute hero (his voice!)
8. Crawl - A legit roller-coaster ride. Short, loud and non-stop describes not only this monster movie, but the dump in my pants I took during it.
9. Ready or Not - Or, when I learned that Samara Weaving is my favorite person on the planet.
10. Midsommar - You're on this list, Aster, but I'm not too happy about it, f--ker. *shudder*
Honorable Mentions: Jojo Rabbit (subject to skyrocket upon re-watch) Uncut Gems, Birds of Prey, Zombieland: Double Tap, Toy Story 4


1. The Lion King - I would never violently hurt an animal. Never. But an CGI abomination of an animal...
2. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker - I have given this one more than a chance or two at redemption and it never fails to disappoint. It's so unrelentingly bad, I actually wish Chewie was on that first transport for his own sake.
3. The Kitchen - I don't remember anything about this film other than hating the absolute shit out of it.
4. Charlie's Angels - What the Hell, Angels? Really?
5. Jumanji 2 - The sequel actually made me not love The Rock for a couple of minutes. Seriously. I came to my senses later, but still.
6. Ugly Dolls - My daughter still mentions this film just to irritate me because she knows how much I hate it.
7. Freaky Friday - Holy shit, how did Disney even make it this far, if this is the shit they used to turn out?
8. The Cat From Outerspace - [see above]
9. Addams Family - You'd think you can't have a sucky movie with Charlize Theron and Oscar Isaac, but you'd be wrong. (it was Pugsley's fault though, all of it)
10. Rambo: Last Blood - This movie is so f--king ridiculous, I might actually love it. But, uh, it's also terrible. And I definitely love it.

Honorable Mentions: In the Tall Grass, Peppermint, MIB International (this actually should have been like #3, but f--k it, too late now), Last Christmas (it's charmingly bad, so...no) and Tusk (on concept[/Long's mustache] alone!)

Shit, I've only got eleven minutes left!

An incredible, Watermelon Sugar flavored shout-out to Margaret at the borderline pornographic cinematic corner. Okay, it's not really that bad, unless you're a straight dude, who's not entirely into sexy men of varying ages, other than it might be considered...bulgey, if that's a word (please God, let it not be). She has been, um, coming here for years and I absolutely love her for it. Speaking of love, an impossibly regimented and refined shout out to Brittani over at Rambling Film, who has also defied all logic, and managed to not only post damn near every single day, but read entirely too much of my ramblings. If baseball ever comes back, I'm rooting for the Twins every day just for her, well, other when they play the Sox. A bearded shout-out to Getter, who I'm offering up my guest room when she hits the states for the Harry Styles abduction that is planned for sometime later this year. Oh, and major love also goes across to pond to Allie who has been kind enough to drop by with a nice word, when she gets the chance.

And to everyone else, I love you too. But they're playing me off!

15 comments:

  1. HAPPY BLOGIVERSARY!!

    I'm glad you checked with me, Trolls World Tour is classified as a parenting test. If you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.

    I'm glad Yesterday worked for you, it landed on my worst list and I actually felt bad about that. 100% agree with The Lion King being one of the worst...lawd.

    Thank you for the lovely shout out <3 you're wonderful and I enjoy coming here and reading your posts. Go Twins!

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    1. Thank you, Brittani!!

      I have passed the test then, as I think I saw that movie...three times? Maybe four. Dark days, my friends.

      Nooooooooooooooooooooooo....I loved Yesterday soo much. Just hit me at the right time, and never disappoints me. And as much as I love Lily James, Patel is INCREDIBLE. His voice....it's sooo good.

      F--k the Lion King. Everything about that movie makes me want to punch something.

      Of course! You're the best and I will never not appreciate you reading this slop. Go Twins, go Sox...f--k it, go BASEBALL.

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  2. Happiest Blogiversary! I always love reading your reviews, they make me smile so often!
    I saw a good chunk of your faves you listed and completely agree! As for the worst films, I only saw Skywalker and the longer I think about that one, the more I hate it.

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    1. Thank youuuu soo much. That's so awesome of you to say.

      Poor Skywalker, huh? That movie should have kicked so much ass and left us all feeling better about everything, and instead it's so needlessly stupid, it feels like a giant FU to the whole fandom.

      Ah, at least the Mandalorian was good times!

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  3. So Getter gets a room, where the hell am I supposed to stay? I guess jail, since my ass will fly on stage and land on him the second WM starts playing. No, I'm serious here, I have money, I never take vacay and tbh 550$ is a very reasonable price for THIS experience. Don't I deserve vacay SLASH death? I do.

    I am so glad you keep going, this is my favorite place online and it's like the oasis of peace considering what I turned twitter and letterboxd into. You're the best! :*

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    1. I think you totally deserve the finest vacation/incarceration ever. Just like, hydrate and do some stretching, okay, so the mere sight of that dude doesn't literally remove your soul from your ass (like that girl you showed me on the Today show). Good christ, I bet she's still on that street in NYC, glued to the ground.

      HAhahaha, thank you so much. And uh, yeah, I'm not going to stop anytime soon. Even if I can't churn them out like I used to, I think I'd miss you guys too much.

      Jeez, I don't think I could handle being on letterboxd. It seems...scary.

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    2. She might just be, since the tour she got tickets to got postponed lol

      You are still doing more than me, I think the last proper review I wrote was in February. LB is actually lots of fun!

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  4. Happy 9th!!! You are... a year younger than me, which is almost as being younger in real life! :D
    I'm sorry to hear this last year has been so awful in many ways, but glad you had people who were there for you!

    Love your top 10 list, have seen all but Crawl from that and that's quite a good statistic for me I think. From the bad ones, ironically, I've only seen one and I also think that's a pretty good statistic. We did good.

    Congrats again and thank you for the guest room!

    Here's to another amazing year!

    PS: I just realised your beloved pup was named Dodger... Chris Evans got a dog and he named him Dodger... I feel like the cosmic universe is trying to tell us something!?

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    1. That awesome people call their dogs "Dodger"? :D

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    2. Happy 10th! Your posts were TREMENDOUS! I haven't even made it through all of them, but they're way better than this dumpy list thing I've got going on here.

      Ah, this past year sucked, but oddly, so far anyway, this time stuck at home has been reinvigorating. We got a new dog, are buying a new house (hence the guest room), and generally are doing well...all things considered.

      Crawl is SO MUCH FUN.

      When you posted that picture of Evans in his Patriots shirt with his dog Dodger, I showed my kids and they freaked out! If I could gain 100lbs of solid muscle, I'd be convinced were brothers from another mother, you know?

      Anyway, thanks for the continued support! It means a lot!!

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    3. Aw, I guess Dodger is pretty much the best dog name ever, huh? (and now my dog's name is Marilyn...which is...odd, but I love her so much I'd never change it)

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  5. Happy Blogiversary #9!!!

    My private shame is that Parasite is sitting on my shelf still waiting for me to watch it. I've been promising myself I'll watch it every week for like a month & a half. Sigh. Maybe this weekend? Gotta find a day where I'm not too tired from Zoom meetings with 3rd & 4th graders or trips out to get essentials. Subtitles & sleepiness do not mix. At all. And no, I'm not watching the dubbed version if I can help it.

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    1. Thanks, Dell!

      That's wild that you still haven't cracked Parasite, but trust me, I GET IT. I've been essentially free to watch anything...and still I just watch a bunch of random horror movies and old Disney shit. I don't blame you, but man....Parasite is sooooo f--king good (I know, obvs).

      Hahaha...we don't Zoom with kids. Well, we don't do it often...but when we do? It's an absolute nightmare. Too many homes I don't want to see the inside of.

      The last horror flick I watched was 91 minutes long...and it took 4 attempts!! Again, I hear ya....

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  6. I teach at a private school so we've gone full ahead with the online learning. So I've been watching a lot of movies, but it's mostly just easily digestible crap that can play in the background while I'm...gasp...sitting at the computer grading online assignments. And yeah, I know way too much about a few of these families.

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    1. Wow, sounds like you guys were...prepared? We took so long to actually get started by the time we rolled out our (unnecessarily collaborative) online work...the kids were long gone. I have 43 kids in the two classes I teach (block schedule) and only six or seven routinely do ANYTHING. The assignments are cake...but they ain't having it.

      Yikes. We had a kid on a Zoom and he was just walking around his house in his bathrobe introducing all his half-naked siblings. When I let the other teachers know I was rolling out, the kid started to read my chat message aloud to his family.

      Uh, pretty f--king awkward.

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